Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

Fremantle (83) v Carlton (78)

Collingwood sleeper agent Cameron Wood seems to be doing a wonderful job at Carlton.

The Blues seemed to have had this one all sowed up, yet a panicked clearance by Wood in the dying moments landed right in Lachie Neale’s arms.

Eddie must have high fived his butler in appreciation of Wood’s effort.

That said, we shouldn’t lay the blame all on Wood.

After all, this season has taught us that Carlton are not very good. They simply made more mistakes than the Dockers.

Fremantle hardly fills you with confidence, these days. Take Nat Fyfe out of this side and this would have been a sizable loss.

Gone is the relentless pressure we saw last season and the majority of the team now seem, well, off.

Perhaps it’s the pressure of having a coach who is like a distant father, disappoint him and you know he’ll go and start a new family.

Sydney (79) v Essendon (57)

A big shock occurred ahead of this one, with Buddy Franklin ruled out at the last minute.

Apparently, Jesinta didn’t realise footy was played every weekend during the season and had scheduled Lance in for a home viewing of The Notebook.

Last week, I said this would be the real test for Essendon after a recent run of form and it was a test they came up short in.

Jake Carlisle struggled against a well-organised defence and the Bombers just couldn’t find that extra gear to trouble Sydney.

Much has been made of the Swans depth and it was all to see in this game with Mike Pyke dominating (he’s Canadian by the way) and Luke Parker getting 35 possessions (he’s not Canadian but is partial to maple syrup and has a fondness for Degrassi Junior High).

We’re getting closer to a potential Sydney Premiership, which could see Victorians rise up and overthrow the AFL, on the basis that the Swans are using the COLA that they are legally allowed to use. Outrageous!

Adelaide (105) v West Coast (136)

Adelaide’s charge to the finals hit a very big snag this round, losing at home to the Eagles in a timid display.

It was so quiet at Adelaide Oval in the final moments, you could hear an unwooded Chardonnay being opened and sculled.

Adelaide should really have won this, but a side that has lost to Melbourne at home can always surprise you.

All signs early on, pointed to a big Crows victory, but the Eagles rallied and the Crows players seemed less and less interested as time went on.

Adelaide even led by two points at the start of the last term, but the Eagles wanted it more than Gina Reinhardt wants a tax-free zone with a workforce based around slavery.

I’ve said all year that the Eagles aren’t that good, this week they proved Adelaide aren’t either.

Richmond (89) v Greater Western Sydney (62)

The UFC outfit that is the Richmond Tigers continued on their merry way this week.

In one of the cruelest displays I’ve ever seen, Richmond’s victory has people writing and talking about them having a ‘mathematical chance to play finals.’

Haven’t Tigers supporters suffered enough without dangling this fools gold in front of them?

It’s cruel to mention finals to a Tigers supporter and even crueler to make them try to do maths.

Richmond showed their working class ethos, with the retired Jake King mixing it with the Richmond cheer squad during the game and even sculling a beer.

I’m told the cheer squad really appreciated it and a few helped Jake fill out some Centerlink paperwork for the next phase of his life.

Reece Conca picked up the Ty Vickery slack by belting Devon Smith across the back of the head with an elbow.

It was a fair and proportional response considering Smith had pulled his jumper over his head a few moments before.

A bad mistake from Conca. Doesn’t he realise Richmond are a mathematical chance to play finals?

GWS continues to travel along with so much talent, but so little impact.

There were several times during the game I had to wonder how so much talent could produce so little.

Gold Coast (117) v St Kilda (64)

No Gary no Gold Coast? Well, that remains true against AFL sides.

St Kilda however is a different story.

The Suns needed to do something after failing to show up against Brisbane last week and luckily the football gods sent them St Kilda.

Gold Coast players tried a new tactic of ‘making an actual effort’ and it paid off.

St Kilda’s skill level was so poor and led to so many turnovers that I thought ‘it will be a very long time till I see worse than this. It wasn’t, it was the next day.

Considering how good the Saints were against Fremantle, Saints fans would have to question their effort here.

I guess you just can’t get Lenny to retire every week. He’s not John Farnham.

North Melbourne (79) v Geelong (111)

North was meant to win this. The script goes, beat a top four side, and then lose to a team that shouldn’t be in the AFL and then beat a top side.

Unfortunately, Geelong didn’t get the memo.

Much has been made of the Brad vs. Chris dynamic, but I think it’s not completely fair.

One has clearly been handed a much bigger advantage over the other. Chris can coach.

North are just an odd team.

Apart from their seesaw form, they have players like Lindsay Thomas, soaring for a courageous mark one minute and then staging for a free with the acting ability of Tara Reid the next.

They’re not good or bad, they’re just North.

Melbourne (51) v Brisbane (74)

As a life long Melbourne supporter, I like to think of myself as a connoisseur of spectacularly terrible football. This game I can tell you was Grange quality bad football.

To watch people whose profession is nominally ‘footballer,’ miss stationary targets a meter away from them is a perplexing experience.

The mind boggles at the thought that these players actually practice handballing and kicking throughout the week.

It’s like a symphony orchestra practicing all week, then in front of an audience, they begin hold their instruments the wrong way.

It wasn’t just one team either; both seemed to think the idea of the game was to pinpoint an opposition player. At this they all excelled.

Brisbane managed to win, but it’s just because they lack Melbourne’s experience of losing from any scenario possible.

The Demon’s ability to manufacture stuff ups can’t be by accident surely. I’d say they were tanking but the idea that they could execute any strategy is laughable.

Paul Roos said some players might never recover from the past eight years of terrible football.

I’m more worried about the fans. This is hell.

Hawthorn (107) v Western Bulldogs (45)

Hawthorn are the anti-Melbourne.

Where Melbourne can turn even the most advantageous situation into a crushing defeat, Hawthorn can manufacture a victory no matter who is playing or coaching.

The Hawks didn’t even get out of second gear for this one and Sam Mitchell and Isaac Smith were out.

The gulf in class was just too wide however. It was like watching a Fiesta race an Audi R8, fun, but hardly a fair competition.

The Bulldogs seemed to be in real trouble in the first quarter, but showed some fight as the game progressed.

They just lack consistency and skill.

Collingwood (76) v Port Adelaide (70)

Nathan Buckley is the greatest coach that ever lived and Port need to fire Ken Hinkley immediately.

This is my view for at least the next hour or so.

Before the game, Nick Maxwell was farewelled by several pigeons and a loudly clapping Eddie McGuire.

The lack of Auskick kids scurrying for safety ahead of a Holden was a disappointing end to his career.

That said, there is something fitting about his farewell being ‘spoiled’.

An early difficulty was stadium staff having to find room for both Eddie and David Koch’s egos. Not an easy task.

If those egos get too close together, the combined gravitational force could cause a black hole.

Luckily it was a 4.40 start so there was no crowd to speak of and plenty of room

This was not exactly a skillful affair, but hard fought. Dane Beams and Scott Pendlebury were the difference makers in the midfield.

With this win, the Pies sent a very clear message that they are ‘totally an 8-10 on the ladder team.’

Unfortunately for Power fans, Port Adelaide sent a clear message that they are fading faster than the ‘career’ of a contestant on The Voice.