The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Fourteen  | Titus O'Reily

You are here

The Monday Knee Jerk Reaction: AFL Round Fourteen 

Footy is a passion, not some cold hearted, spread sheet dominated rational exercise.

On a Monday, you want irrational reaction. You want emotion to trump reason.

What you really want is idiotic hysteria.

You’ve come to the right place.

West Coast (52) v Essendon (80)

Seriously.

Footy tipping is the only test where if you get an answer wrong, it proves you know a lot about football.

At least that’s what I tell myself.

West Coast was and still is the right answer to the question who will win this game? 

I still believe this in the strongest possible manner, even though I watched this game and saw the Eagles dial in a performance so lukewarm it could have been delivered by the catering at the stadium.

Personally, I don’t need a test to tell me I know nothing, the outcomes in my life provide regular feedback about that.

Essendon beat the Eagles in Perth? It makes no sense.

In fairness, the umpires tried their hardest, giving the Eagles a 33-17 free quick count, but unfortunately, the AFL hasn’t yet allowed the umpires to take the shots at goal and the Eagles return of 6-16 undid all the officials’ hard work.

It was the perfect start to a weekend of truly horrendous umpiring, with the addition of a fourth umpire simply increasing the amount of truly weird interpretations.

Umpires are like ‘wellness experts’ more of them is never a good thing.

Not to take away from the Bombers performance, they smashed the Eagles midfield in the first half so brutally the West Coast crowd forgot to boo. 

They looked so miserable I could only assume the Channel Seven commentary was being pumped into the stadium.

Port Adelaide (75) v Melbourne (65)

Friday was a terrible day for me personally. Melbourne lost and Channel Seven announced Michael Slater would be joining their cricket coverage. 

Strangely, they trumpeted this like it was a positive thing, not a national tragedy. 

Since winning the premiership back in May the Demons have gone on a Western Bulldogs style nosedive. 

As a bitter Melbourne supporter, I have to mention the umpiring was horrendous, but it was like that all weekend, so you have to deal with that.

The Power were also cleaner when it mattered. The Demons went into their forward 50 a lot but they kept forgetting to kick goals. 

What was great was playing Jesse Hogan up the ground a lot. When you’re struggling to kick goals despite going forward a lot, the last thing you want is a key forward of his quality up forward.

The Power simply got more bang for their buck, defended well and Ollie Wines reminded the Dees why drafting Jimmy Toumpas ahead of him was the worst decision since Adelaide said “yes, hiring ‘mental skills coaches’ is a great idea.”

Port Adelaide look like they’re setting themselves up for a nice little run. The Demons need to find another gear or imagine them missing out on finals by percentage again. 

Because that’s all I imagine.

Hawthorn (96) v Gold Coast (43)

Gold Coast visited Tasmania and delivered a performance the AFL is hoping will cool the Tasmanians’ desire for a team of their own. 

The Suns didn’t help the cause early though by doing a really good impression of an AFL side. 

Then they remembered they aren’t and kicked 0.5 in the second and third quarters.

The AFL will never move the Suns of course. That would mean they were wrong and the AFL is never wrong, the fans are, because we’re just the idiots who fund the entire exercise.

Hawthorn were as shocked as anyone when the Suns came out strong and took a while to get over it.

Both sides began trading shots and seemed to be trying their best to outdo the other in missing.

If not kicking a goal was the aim of the game, this would have been a cracker.

Instead, the Hawks slowly got on top and ground the Suns into submission, with the only negative being Shaun Burgoyne suffering a slight hamstring strain.

The Hawks’ hopes of September remain alive.

Brisbane (82) v Greater Western Sydney (109) 

So, the Lions lost again but the real talking point was when Jeremy Cameron’s elbow on Harris Andrews in a marking contest.

Well. Sort of a marking contest, more Cameron leapt in the air and delivered a flying forearm smash that Tito Santana would have been proud of.

It left Andrews with a severe concussion and what the club said was "an associated small bleed on the brain".

That’ never a phrase you want to hear, and the only good news was the club said Harris is expected to make a full recovery.

Cameron said he "definitely didn't mean to hurt him," which is an odd thing to say after an elbow like that. 

He also said,"I just saw the ball coming in, I like to go the ball really hard.”

I had never realised Andrew’s head looked like a football. Perhaps Jeremy needs an eye test.

Either way, Cameron will be out for weeks, something the Giants don’t need in this injury plagued season.

Western Bulldogs (75) v North Melbourne (77)

This is why sitting at home alone on a Saturday night is better than anything else.

Sure, you get one good game like this to every fifteen bad ones, but that’s a much better ratio than good-to-terrible nights going out.

My ratio of good nights out to bad nights out is zero-to-four.

Correct, I’ve only been out four nights in my life and they’ve all been awful.

The worst bit about going out is the people. You have to speak to them and pretend to be interested. It’s exhausting. 

People say things like “so I worked at finance at one company and then I moved to another company where I do the same job, but I like the people more,” and you’re meant to not just stare at them wondering how to get out of the conversation but pretend you found that interesting.

I’m not a trained actor.

The injury plagued Bulldogs had been ahead for a lot of the game, but the inevitable North push came, and it seemed all over, only for Billy Gowers to snatch the lead for the Doggies with two minutes to go.

Finally, it seemed like the Bulldogs would have some luck in a cursed year, only for Jack Ziebell to put the Kangaroos back in front with 20 seconds to go.

It was Ben Brown who had got the ball forward to him, capping off a five-goal performance. 

The Bulldogs fans couldn’t believe it. It seems the only highlight of the season will be their coach surfing down a slide into an ice bath. 

Collingwood (79) v Carlton (59)

Who doesn’t love a 3.20pm start? Oh, that’s right, everyone with kids doesn’t. 

I guess the AFL, unfortunately, had to schedule this game at that time because of all the other games that weren’t on Sunday.

Perhaps they did it because it was on free to air? Nope, was only on Foxtel, another week of the AFL having nothing on commercial TV on Sunday.

The only conclusion is that the AFL hates families.

I watched this torn between the comedic value of Carlton winning and the idea of Carlton winning.

Perhaps the biggest sign Carlton might one day get back on the right track is that they didn’t trade Charlie Curnow to Adelaide and instead re-signed him.

Re-signing your best players is a new thing the Blues are trying out, and it seems to be paying off. 

Curnow rewarded them with two of the best marks you’ll see this season and booted three goals in a performance that would have made Blues fans happy for the first time since Chris Judd signed on to save the environment.

Did Carlton win? No of course not, but they now how two good players, Charlie and Patrick Cripps. That’s two more than they’ve had in a while. 

Someone might point out they have some other good players, but that would require me learning their names. 

To do that, I’d have to pay close attention when Carlton play and not just drink heavily and hope it will be over soon. I’m not ready to do that.

Collingwood are now in the top four. 

Yes, the top four in the AFL. It’s bonkers. 

It means atomic war and a Collingwood premiership could both occur this year. I know, the latter is terrifying because we’ll be alive to see the aftermath. 

Any luck we’ll get the atomic war first. Fingers crossed.

Bye: Adelaide, Fremantle, Geelong, Richmond, St Kilda, Sydney

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. 

Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

Comments

Gideon not Haigh 25 June 2018

Reading "but they now how two good players" is giving me an associated small bleed on the brain

BIlly Bob 25 June 2018

Hi Titus, I'm not sure why you are so down on a 3:20pm start for a game. To me it is the perfect time for the start of a game: I can get a round of golf in on Sunday morning (or even Saturday morning for that matter), have enough time to have a decent lunch and get to the game (as you will admit,food at the footy is over priced and not of a very high standard), then leave the game and get home in time for dinner (or eat out should one desire). Regarding the kiddies, in my experience, if they are under 10 their might be an issue in getting them into bed at late as 7:30pm, but the older ones should be able to manage it.

Angelina 26 June 2018

Thanks for the spin Gillon, I mean, Billy... Bob.

mdso 25 June 2018

Love the pun on the catering now you've really put me off going to live games. Think I'll stick to my own tucker and not take any chances.

I don't know where you dig this stuff up from Titus or is it Tightrs but you are one very clever, creative, bloke. BTW that's a compliment.

Wendy 25 June 2018

North Melbourne should consider producing souvenir/tribute Ben Brown headbands. Clearly, keeping his curly locks out of his eyes enables him to regularly save the day for them.

Timmy La 25 June 2018

Invoking Tito Sanatna's MFL forearm is all class

george smith 25 June 2018

(Almost) horror movie
Not there on my TV
(Almost) horror movie
Not on free to air TV
(Almost) horror movie
Nearly blown a fuse,
Horror movie - almost lost to the Blues!

Bloke from the Outer 25 June 2018

Better take your raincoat it could be sticky on the seat.

Brent 25 June 2018

"Friday was a terrible day for me personally. Melbourne lost and Channel Seven announced Michael Slater would be joining their cricket coverage.
Strangely, they trumpeted this like it was a positive thing, not a national tragedy."
-Why oh Why, did they have to sign "Old Prawn Eyes" Shifty Slater to the 7 cricket coverage-I'd rather (can't believe what I'm going to say) They signed Basil (the body snatcher)Zempilas!

Bug 25 June 2018

“They looked so miserable I could only assume the Channel Seven commentary was being pumped into the stadium.” Ha, best line ever!

Mark 25 June 2018

I have to wonder if Titus got rejected for a job at Channel Seven because I think that's the fourth or fifth week in a row he's made a comment about the commentary team, yet I don't think he's ever mentioned just how woeful Dwayne Russell is on Fox Footy.

Bloke from the Outer 25 June 2018

Russell might be woeful but a whole heap of us don't subscribe to Mudrock's evil empire so we're saved from him.

Channel 7 is just awful.

Bloke from the Outer 25 June 2018

28-11 frees half way through the last quarter of the collingwood v blues.

7 free kicks to Carlton in the last 10 minutes to 'even things up'.

And I cannot stand the Blues but something certainly stinks.

Turtle B 25 June 2018

Titus when are u coming to Perth? I love ur stuff ;)

Armchair critic 25 June 2018

Next pre-season the crows could return to "the walking over hot coals"......that went pretty well!!

Donald 26 June 2018

Nigel (not so) Smart, still suffering with burnt feet issues.

Walshy McWalsherson 26 June 2018

If the nuclear holocaust does come in 2018, can Collingwood please bomb out of the finals and Marc Murphy sign with Adelaide first pls?

Vlad 26 June 2018

Different subject:
Here's a thaught for all the footy jernos and such.

How about some insight regarding teams each week instead of a comentry of what I already know.
Stating the bleeding obvious. I already know that Essendon was a shock. Why do i need a jurno to tell me.

Tell me pre hand who's in and who's out , why the team will or wont win, whats the latest news coming out of your club regarding selection and any other relevent information heading into the game.And any other useful information.

The chanel 9 footy once uppon a time had all that information.
But they seem to think the public prefer to watch that insipid vireity cabaret drivel thats dished up nowdays. Chanel 7 front bar want to turn a footbal show into a comedy skit.

Insight insight insight please.
Leave the hindsight for the peoply that missed out and need to catch up. Heres a thaught you could call it afl weekend of hindsight.

You never know you may get a following from the tipping crew each week. Oh and leave the odds to the bookies.

Grannies4Rampe 26 June 2018

You should be dealing with the big issues. Why does nobody care that Geelong is trying to colonise the Swans?

You must have Javascript enabled to use this form.