All right boys, thanks for coming.

Looking around this room today, I reckon we may need a few old-fashion, Carlton salary cap breaches if we’re to be any really chance in the near future.

That was a joke. You’re allowed to laugh. In fact, It’s in your best interests that you do.

Quite frankly, a lot of you stank last season and if you think that’s going to be tolerated this year you’re in for a rude awakening.

No more having the coach cheering and clapping for you and saying ‘bad luck’. I don’t barrack for you. You barrack for me.

There are no more mistakes or bad luck. Just failure and success.

I won’t say anything bad about Brett Ratten but I want you to all understand one thing very clearly, I actually know how to coach. I’ve had more success than all of you combined. Just let that sink in.

You may have all read in the paper that I said we could no longer let Chris Judd carry the load alone. I meant it.

He carries this team and he also works full time as a Visy ambassador. The Visy job alone must require about 60 hours of hard toil every bloody week!

He’s saving the environment while the rest of you are taking time out to be not very good at football.

Well this all changes from today. I may not have a lot of confidence in you and you may have little confidence in yourselves but that doesn’t matter.

You see I have confidence in me. I’m bloody Mick Malthouse, I’ve got a moustache and can stare people to death. What can you do?

For the majority of you, you can’t play defence. It’s no longer going to be an optional thing to do. You’re going to learn how to chase, how to tackle.

Losing to the Gold Coast is also no longer an option. We are not Richmond.

We are going to fix things. For starters, we are going to actually run the ball out of defence this year.

I’m also pretty keen that we stop capitulating the moment someone puts a bit of pressure on us. Why do you guys do that? You do know the other team will sometime push back? We can’t play Melbourne every week.

Turning the ball over regularly is also a no-no. Someone has told you that at some point haven’t they? No? I see a few hands but not many.

What about getting the ball before your opponent? Good. A few more hands. Almost half of you. Now we’re getting somewhere.

Right. A bit of homework. I want you all to go out and buy my daughter’s book. She’ll need the sales. I’m indifferent to whether you actually read it. I hear its good though and I’ll sign your copy if you want. Might be a good Christmas present for the folks. Chris, I’ll give you a copy for free.

Ok, we’re done. A good start, very motivating.