A slightly terrifying opportunity to coach the Melbourne Football Club has suddenly become available. This is a not so rare opportunity to coach an almost AFL team.

The Melbourne Football Club is currently an AFL team based in Melbourne. It has an exciting list, rated the 27th best in the country. Several of its players have played the sport of AFL before.

As Senior Coach, you will be set the difficult challenge of lasting more than two seasons. Reporting to an interim CEO and a Board that has the shelf life of milk, you will be integral to saving this club from oblivion. No pressure.

The Melbourne Football Board AFL is keen to appoint somebody who knows what they are doing to this position.

That applicant must be able to teach the following skills:

• Kicking
• Handballing to someone a half-a-metre from you and have it land in their hands
• Catch a handball that arrives in the vicinity of your person
• Trying
• Breaking out of a jog
• Tackling
• Not giving up immediately
• Uncontested marking
• Contested marking
• Marking in the warm up
• Decision making above the Lindsay Lohan level.

The successful candidate must:

• Have a thorough knowledge of AFL strategy
• Have a proven track record of managing people
• Not be Garry Lyon
• Be able to get through a press conference without looking like they want to die
• Have a vague clue of how to coach an AFL team
• Not be supported by Garry Lyon
• Not be Terry Wallace
• Have never been investigated and found not guilty, then suspended, of tanking
• Like skiing

With regular trips to the cosmopolitan City of Casey, this is an exciting opportunity for a person who has a masochistic personality and currently has nothing else on.

The remuneration package includes a MYKI transport ticket that doesn’t work, access to the MCC Long Room, an Allen Jackovich poster that is valued at $7 and three year’s salary for 12 months work.

Don’t worry about doing a CV, just send us a copy of your lineage and your school blazer.