Mark Thompson met with chairman Paul Little and chief executive Xavier Campbell to discuss his future at Essendon. It turned out there wasn’t one. Here’s the exclusive transcript.

Paul Little: Come in Mark.

Mark Thompson: Xavier, Paul. Why are we meeting in the cleaner’s closet?

Xavier Campbell: James has moved us down here. Says he needs the rest of the facility for something.

Thompson: It’s a bit tight guys.

Little: You can sort of sit on that shelf if you move the bleach.

Thompson: Nah, I’m good. You guys thought about giving me that $30,000? Might need a bit more for overdue fees.

Campbell: No Mark, we want to talk to you about the role we see you playing at Essendon next season.

Little: Mark, we value you highly and we’re keen to stockpile as many ex-senior coaches at the club as is humanly possible. Could be a long winter ahead.

Campbell: To that end, we’ve got an exciting position under Neil Craig we’d like to talk to you about.

Thompson: That sentence doesn’t make any sense. Exciting? Neil Craig? You can’t make me report to Neil Craig.

Little: We didn’t say you’d report to him, Xavier said you’d be under him.

Campbell: You’d probably report to Mark Neeld.

Thompson: You guys have got bloody rocks in your head. You combine Neeld, Harvey, Craig and the Sun King and I’ve coached two more Premierships than them combined.

What are you trying to do? Recapture the magic of the Demons’ 2013 season? I saw it, wasn’t that magical if I remember.

Little: Mark, I know you’re angry…

Thompson: Angry? I’d storm out of here if my leg hadn’t gone to sleep wedged between this mop and this stack of industrial cleaner. I served my punishment, sort of. I helped this club out and you put me under Craig?

Campbell: James served his punishment too Mark.

Thompson: What? An all expenses paid year in Provence with the family? A two-year contract extension? Turn it up. People would be lined up down the street to be punished by you guys.

Little: Keep your voice down Mark! He has lawyers everywhere. They’re probably taking notes as we speak.

Campbell: There are a lot of questions about your stability Mark.

Thompson: My stability? You’ve got James Hird coaching you! He’s destabilised the whole competition for two years and it’s not over. He’s got us meeting in a bloody cleaners closet! I’m the one who’s unstable?

Campbell: Mark, you have to take it or leave it. The club is a bit like the three of us in this closet, in a tight spot with not a lot of room to manoeuvre.

Little: And tainted with chemicals.

Meeting ends.