Yesterday was another horror day for the Melbourne Football Club. For some reason I decided to live tweet it. Here are the results or as I call it, ‘a grown up man mentally disintegrating in real time.’

I’ve added in some of the replies I got as I went along in italics.

Before the Game

Remember, there’s no shame losing to Gold Coast. Wait….

@iamshaunbailey be more embarrassing to lose to the dees.

First Quarter

Would be good to see a Dees player break out of a jog. Rarer than a snow leopard to see.

We fall behind fast

While this is disheartening, I’m comforted that we trained the house down in pre-season and we played one good quarter against GWS.

@Fisherking79 take the positives from that quarter. You scored 2 behinds. Could have been worse.

Second Quarter

Bye Neeld. Wonder who the brains trust at Melbourne will go after next. Knowing them, they’ll make a play for Voss.

Maybe we could get Garry Lyon involved in choosing a coach again. Whoever he likes we should discount.

@DanieTreg gotta think of the positives!

Like the fact this game can only go four quarters

Having the leadership of Dawes out there is making all the difference.

Melbourne want to win this game like most blokes want to go shopping.

@DebsieDoll oh pet, at least you still have your sense of humour! or is that the whiskey tweeting?

A little from column A and a little for column B.

Hardest at the ball from hardest to softest: Gold Coast, umpires, Melbourne.

@gumbuoy you forgot the runners and behind-goal-ball-fetchers.

Melbourne players look like they’re playing against their will.

@Adam_Goldman Average effort by the Hobart Demons

Let’s not tarnish Hobart.

There’s a famous business book ‘You Can’t Fire Everybody’. The author had never watched Melbourne play.

What’s the rule on subbing in the Melbourne Auskick team? Let’s not just use them at half time. Might give us some effort.

Melbourne has been going downhill ever since Paul Prymke left. Cursed.

I hope whoever has to tweet for @melbournefc has 24/7 counseling available.

@BenCuzzupe His name is Matt Burgan, and I wish the bloke all the best.

Hang in there Matt. Drink whiskey. All the time.

Half Time

I’d like to say that was the worst half of football the MFC have ever played but I’ve watched them before.

@seanot7 the sad thing is that’s not even the worst half we’ve played this year.

I just started sobbing uncontrollably.

I like to spend halftime curled up in the foetal position and crying hysterically. It creeps everyone in the members out.

@lovemycrows there is someone there to witness that?!

Watching Melbourne has taken ten years off my life. That said, I get to watch them for ten less years which is a bonus.

@gumbuoy I’ve heard they’re using the span of your life as a rebuilding phase, and those 10 years are when they’re really gonna shine.

Gee Neil Craig can really give an interview that energises the fans.

@big_hawkeye_tom Now you can experience the inspirational speeches that Crows fans were ‘lucky’ enough to for all those years.

@fantewasgenius No, Neil “HAL” Craig is unable to display any emotion because he is a robot.

Third Quarter

Dees get off to a normal start (give away free kick and goal in about 7 seconds).

I guess Gold Coast have the long history and tradition which just motivates you to not disgrace the jumper.

@prestontowers And the song. Let’s not forget the song.

Following Sylvia’s elbow of Jared Brennan

Sylvia showing his self discipline. If only he put that much effort into his footy.

Tip for other Melbourne supporters: put whiskey in an IV. Lets you use both hands to throw things.

@matho11tim: is there enough hard liquor in the Dining Room Bar to dull this pain?

I’ve got my own tab. Putting several kids through private school.

Who would have thought that the guy who coached Ocean Grove to four premierships would not be an amazing AFL coach?

If there were people at this game they would boo Melbourne at three quarter time.

@JohnDonegan702 did the people on the gates at the MCG only let relatives in today?

I think they sent people out to drag passer bys in.

@JohnDonegan702 false imprisonment AND cruel unusual punishment.

They’ll be celebrating on the Gold Coast this week. Oh, not cause of this, the Titans beat St George.

Mark Neeld’s facial expression is similar to someone in a hostage situation. Maybe slightly more stressed.

@LeedsHeartWhite He’s the doppleganger of Michael Douglas in Falling Down

Booing the players may not be to everyone’s taste but it takes more effort than the players have put in today.

Fourth Quarter

I have witnessed inter club games with more aggro.

@BenCameron4 I hear John Tomic is looking for a new coaching job. Would bring the aggro at least

On the positive side, Melbourne players won’t need a shower before going out tonight. Saving water.

Sylvia goals. Celebrates.

Sylvia. Turning it on when it doesn’t matter.

The reason they have laptops in the Melbourne coaches box is so they can browse on SEEK.

@hotpies4 What? There are coaches?

This really seems like a game Jack Watts should have been a part of.

The players should apologise personally to every person who went to this game. It would only take four minutes.

When you look at our next four games they’re totally winnable. Sorry, to clarify, not for us.

@4Boat Manangatang Thirds, Grong Grong Matong, Fish Creek and Fish Creek United?

Gary Ablett is probably the first player to get 35 possessions without getting out of neutral.

At least you can’t accuse Melbourne players of committing the sin of pride.

Why am I watching? It’s probably because I’ve drunk so much I can’t feel my legs. Or face. Pain inside is still there.

I don’t think Melbourne can win this.

@timwattsau presumably your definition of ‘this’ is rather broad?

@lauren_92 going a bit early aren’t you?

Each time they show Neeld on the phone I assume it’s to tee up a meeting with Ocean Grove.

@StuffedShoulder “Is it too late to come back? I’ll fry dim sims in the Ocean Grove FC canteen on match days if I have to. Just help me please!”

Lot of positives out of today’s game. Easy to get out of the car park and ….that’s it actually.

@eld246 On fire today mate!!

Thanks mate. I wish I was on fire. Literally. Less painful.

Final Siren

Good to see the players don’t look too upset isn’t it? Sylvia looks like someone at a BBQ.

@Matt_Donaldson one with the lot thanks. Onions Col?

It’s been fun hasn’t it? I’m just going into a dark room for a few hours to do that crying where you almost hyperventilate.

@NikoleGunn I’m almost too afraid to ask ….

I vented so much I got a tweet from Trendsmap saying I was trending in Melbourne. So pretty bad.