Fellow Liberal Voters and Inbred Elite

Many of you may have read recently in the popular press that I have expressed an interest in becoming President of your little club.

I’m keen to outline in this memorandum, which your manservant will have received by carrier pigeon, why I’m the best man for the job.

Firstly, I must address the elephant in the Boardroom, and I’m not talking about the one Checker Hughes shot and had stuffed.

It’s my previous allegiances. Now it’s no secret that I’m a life long Hawthorn supporter but my love of being in charge of just about anything outweighs that loyalty considerably.

Sure I’ve said you should be merged with North Melbourne or sent to the Gold Coast.

Let’s be honest though, they would be better options than the current Board is presenting.

Beyond Blue also ran an anti-depression ad featuring your jumper. I apologise about this. We’re trying to lift the stigma about depression and linking it to your club doesn’t help.

A lot of people have asked why I would want to be your President. Well quite simply I hate Alistair Clarkson.

I just know that me bobbing up to coach his old club would annoy that angry, angry man. Just me saying I’m interested has probably already resulted in a few holes in walls.

But on to my pitch.

My experience is expansive. From running Victoria, fighting the Irish bread that is pouring through our borders and into our supermarkets, running Beyond Blue and wearing berets.

I know how fix things that are broken. Why just last week, I changed the batteries in the old clock in the hall as I waited for relevancy to call.

My main pitch to you is that I’m not the current board and, well that’s about it really. Do you need much more? How about I’ll never take advice from Gary Lyon? You’re getting interested aren’t you?

I mean the Melbourne gig is actually the best in the business. It can’t get worse so if you only do the very basics properly you should get a turnaround. If you don’t, you can say it was too far-gone.

Just to show you how serious I am, I can let you know I’ve been a member for several months. When I rang the Membership hotline, the lady who answered almost fell off her chair.

She said the phone hadn’t rung in months, except for telemarketers. She said my membership alone would help her exceed her membership target of the month of negative 12,000.

So there you are. Pretty easy decision really and please don’t say no, I’ve already ordered a checked blue and red jacket with matching beret.

Your President-in-Waiting

Jeff Kennett

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