The day before the Federal Court rules on James Hird’s appeal, a letter to his followers has leaked. Here it is:

Dear blindly loyal follower

If you are reading this, the worst has happened and we have lost the Federal Court challenge.

Our enemies, the AFL, the media, ASADA and my next-door neighbor Phil, will be busy celebrating, which is why we must strike now.

Already, forces loyal to Tania me, are moving into place.

Key assets such as media outlets, strategic infrastructure, financial institutions, several solariums and Phil’s sprinkler are being seized.

As a loyal supporter, I urge you to put on your ‘Stand by Hird’ T-shirt and gather in Federation Square as a show of popular support for our movement.

I’ve arranged catering for all eight of you. I hope none of you are gluten intolerant.

Let our enemies know that I have declared the decision of the Federal Court invalid and the laws of this country are to be suspended while we transition to a new regime.

Fear not, I will keep in place the culture and institutions Australians are accustomed to.

The only difference you’ll notice is that The Hanger will run on every TV station 24/7 and our new capital is in France.

Thank you again for your unthinking loyalty; it’s truly the very best kind.

Regards

James Hird