This morning Melbourne’s announced it’s new leadership group. Straight after the media conference they had their first meeting. Here's an exclusive transcript:

Paul Roos: Good job guys, that went really well. Nice to do a media conference where I didn’t feel like crying for once.

Jack Grimes: Should we wait for the other Jack to come?

Roos: Grimey, we’ve spoken about this.

Nathan Jones: Does everyone want tea or coffee? I’ll get them.

Lynden Dunn: You want a hand?

Jones: Nah, I’m used getting things done on my own.

Heritier Lumumba: I thought it was a shame we didn’t raise the Ukraine situation.

Daniel Cross: Are they a band? It sounds like a band. ‘The Ukraine Situation.’

Chris Dawes: He’s talking about global issues again. It’s why I left Collingwood.

Grimes: Heritier’s got a point though, what’s happening in the Ukraine is terrible.

Dunn: Is this to do with the Asian Cup?

Roos: Guys, let's try to refocus here. Plus, Ukraine’s not in Asia, Lynden.

Dawes: Neither is Australia.

Lumumba: Guys, I was kidding. I vowed to tone things down a bit this year. Now my advocacy is focused on just one group of people.

A group that lives without no hope and has only known pain and suffering from the middle of last century.

Cross: Melbourne supporters?

Lumumba: No, Tibetans. Seriously?

Dawes: I’m sure Daniel was joking.

Cross: I really wasn’t.

Jones: Guys, let’s calm down. This is a football club, there’s to be no talking world politics, social issues or human rights.

The only thing I want to hear discussed from now on is footy, comparisons of the new Xbox and PlayStation, Kate Upton and what a great bloke Roosy is. Got that?

Dunn: and that’s why you’re the captain.