Finally, a transcript from the infamous team meeting where Nathan Buckley and Harry O’Brien fell out has been leaked. Here it is:

Nathan Buckley: So obviously we need to significantly improve our tackling across all four quarters. Any concerns about the broader game plan?

Harry O’Brien: I think the main thing that came to me while studying it, is how the lack of official approval for gay marriage sends a terrible message about how we, as a community and society, view a significant group within our community.

Buckley: You got that from reading the game plan?

Dale Thomas: I got that too, coach.

Buckley: Shut up Dale, we know you didn’t read it.

Travis Cloke: Maybe what Harry means is that our transition between zone to man-on-man defense could be viewed in the broadest sense, as a reflective commentary on how societies sanction, or more importantly withhold approval from certain groups? Was that it, Harry?

Luke Ball: Travis, you don’t expect us to believe you read the bits in the plan about defence do you?

Buckley: Hang on. We are getting way off track here. What’s more worrying is that everything you guys are saying makes me think that none of you read the game plan.

O’Brien: Look, equality is a serious issue in society. We need to address it.

Buckley: Sure, but it’s not the most important thing, beating Carlton is. We need to focus on what’s important here. Did anyone read my game plan?

Dane Swan: I did. I felt it lost pace in the middle part but really picked up towards the end. I didn’t pick up anything about gay marriage or ‘marriage equality’ as I prefer to call it.

I did, however, think your points about generating run out of defence seemed to be advocating a throwing open of Australia’s borders to refugees, especially those from the Middle East and Northern Africa.

Darren Jolly: I can’t believe what people are reading into a simple game plan. It’s just footy.

Buckley: Thanks Darren, although my section on rotations was meant to allude to the pain felt by communities as our manufacturing industry shrinks. I’m a bit disappointed no one picked that up.

O’Brien: I can’t pick up on everything! Do you know how hard it is to care about things so much? To feel the pain of every person on this planet?

Buckley: Harry, I’ve never felt pain in my life.

Meeting ends.