With players wanting out of their contracts left, right and centre, I’ve prepared a handy letter that should get them out of any situation.

You’re welcome players of the AFL!

Dear

As you may or not be aware, I want out of that pesky legal document I signed a little while ago.

What I’m saying is, I think we should play games of football with other people

The reason I want out is (select as many as you like):

• I don’t like the coach
• The coach was mean to me
• I don’t like the other players
• I don’t like Nathan Buckley
• I want to go to a team where I can win a Premiership, like Hawthorn
• I actually just want to go to Hawthorn
• Bizarrely, I want to go to the Western Bulldogs
• Really, I do want to go the Bulldogs. Why are people so surprised?
• I’ve had my colours done and your uniform does not suit me. It washes me out
• I want to go somewhere that hasn’t been engulfed in scandal for two years
• I’m homesick and I miss mum
• I also miss dad but don’t tell him, he hates emotions
• I want to play finals, preferably in the AFL

Given this situation, I’d appreciate you trading me to another team of my choosing immediately or:

• I’ll start negotiations with another team anyway (I’m actually already doing this)
• I’ll sulk
• My manager will begin rumours in the media about me wanting out
• I’ll deny the rumours but no one will believe them, destabilising the team for a year
• Then I’ll eventually come out and say I want out and name the team I want to go to which gives you no good choices

I hope this makes everything clear and I’ve really enjoyed the last three months here. Thanks for drafting me.

Regards