As we all know, Geelong’s James Kelly’s two-match suspension for his bump on Brendon Goddard means the end of ‘the bump’ and quite possibly football forever.

Speaking to children about this tragedy can be very difficult. The news reports alone mean they are probably already traumatised for life. In fact it may be worth just giving up on this generation.

Anyway, it’s still important you sit down with your kids and speak to them about this event.

Here is an easy guide on how to do this:

1. Have one of your servants wash and dress your children for bed and bring them to the den

It’s important your children feel relaxed when you speak to them about the issue so having them in their pyjamas is a great idea.

The den is a great setting as it let’s them know this is a serious issue as otherwise they are never allowed in that wing of the house, let alone the den.

I personally recommend lighting a cigar to fill the den with that rich, deep smell that people love.

2. Set Perspective

While this decision is the death of the bump, let them know it was dead already due to tanking, the sliding rule, a cap on the interchange, sling tackles, drugs, too many expansion clubs, flooding, the goal review process, the match review panel and sports betting.

In fact, football is always dying if you listen to coaches, club CEOs, the media and Garry from accounts.

Even though the competition continues to grow, the athletes are faster and stronger than ever, attendances are massive and the recent TV deal was over a billion dollars are all distractions from the truth.

Football is over.

Tell them this.

3. Explain to Them that Life is Death

From the moment we are born we all begin to die. The same iron clad rule applies to ‘the bump.’

Tell them know that as they sit there, they are all dying. At this point they will often start screaming and crying.

Let it play out.

4. Paint a Vision for the Future

With football in such a terrible state, let them know that you will be pushing them towards tennis.

And when I say ‘pushing’, it will quite literally be some sort of physical gesture.

Tennis is the ultimate sport to be a parent in. There are no bumps on the court but off the court there is a lifetime of emotional abuse punctuated with the occasional physical outburst.

5. Explain how to Play Both Sides of the Argument

A great learning experience in this issue is the ability to argue for two completely opposed points at different times.

The same people arguing that the penalty for James Kelly is excessive will be out in the media some day soon arguing that we need to do something about protecting players from concussions.

There will be articles written about how the league didn’t do enough about concussions.

Football punditry is based on this paradox. The ability to argue for one thing one day and then do a 180-degree turn and argue the other way is how you can fill columns regularly.

6. Get Them Years of Therapy

Let’s be honest, if not this, it will be something else you forgot to do.