Possibly the greatest Aussie tradition, apart from not having to leave tips and the sickie, is the Grand Final Parade. But could it be better? It sure could; I’m glad you raised it.

Resting on our laurels is not in the Australian nature; we always strive to improve (hello iSnack 2.0), with the possible exception of our swimming team.

So here are my ideas to make the Grand Final Parade the very best it can be. Are the ideas practical or affordable? Who cares? What are you an accountant? You can’t price awesomeness.

Public Holiday

I don’t know how we lost them along the way but the reduction in public holidays in my lifetime is the single worst thing that has ever befallen a nation with the possible exception of Starbucks.

The Grand Final Parade should be a day off for everyone. Imagine the atmosphere in the city as everyone gathers. It would be like my 21st but with people showing up and less sobbing.

The Monday after the Grand Final should be a day off for the supporters of each team too, so they can recover from celebrating or mourning. This would give people some real skin in the game when choosing a team. You’re a Melbourne supporter, hey? See you Monday.

Elephants

Every player will ride an elephant and an African one at that, not one of those little Indian ones. If a scientist can clone Mammoths, I would go for them.

This way everyone will actually be able to see the players and the constant tension of a possible stampede would really add to the excitement.

Can we afford the forty-odd Elephants? Of course we can; let’s just cut a bit from the education budget; you can learn everything on Google anyway.

Free Red Bull for the Kids, Booze for the Adults

Nothing gets people more excited then alcohol, caffeine and sugar. It’s why uni was the best time of your life and everything since has been downhill ’til you just start drinking all the time at home.

To me, nothing says fun like a massive crowd of overstimulated people in the centre of the city. It will be like the Occupy movement but with a clear purpose and an interested public.

Souvlaki Stands Every Ten Meters

When you’ve been drinking since ten in the morning and the kids are so hopped up on Red Bull they are driving you crazy, you’re going to need a kebab or two.

Ever since Australians invented the Souvlaki at the Eureka stockade in 1973 they’ve been the best tasting health food ever invented. I’m pretty sure a souvlaki is one of those foods that you actually lose calories eating.

Sure the kebab stand operators will miss the public holiday, but they’ll make a million bucks each. This is capitalism after all.

No Barricades

If you’re going to have a mob of drunk and Red Bull infused people mixing with AFL players on elephants, you don’t want barricades. Let people really get to meet the players as they ride through the middle of the city on elephants. You’re going to create childhood memories and probably some phobias.

A festival vibe is what we want. For one day of the year, safety takes a back seat to fun. Will we lose people? Not the quick and agile ones. If the Olympics taught us one thing, our gene poll needs some thinning. No one will be looking at Twitter on their phone while surrounded by thousands of people and elephants.

Compulsory Face Painting

To get in the spirit everyone will be required to get their face painted. This will bring an instant sense of community and also divide everyone into easily recognisable tribes.

How will we get all the faces painted? Every artist who’s ever got a government grant will be required to show up and do them. Sure they miss the public holiday but they really should work one day a year.

Teams and Supporters Start at Different Ends

This is where it all comes together. Each team and their supporters (neutrals pick a side) start at different ends of the parade and will march towards each other, with banners and flags flying and chanting and singing their team song. Picture the Crusades. With every player on an elephant it will make it look like Hannibal crossing the Alps and with the facepainting, it’s a scene right out of Braveheart.

When the two ‘armies’ meet, it’s a water fight. Water balloons, super soakers for everyone and a water cannon on every elephant. Perhaps the Elvis helicopter can get involved.

Is it a waste of water? No! We’ll use the Desalination plant water – after all we’re all paying for it; let’s put it to use straight away instead of waiting for the next pesky drought.

Forget the ‘Running of the Bulls’ or ‘La Tomatina’, the famous tomato fight, welcome to the ‘Footballers on Elephants Water Fight’, the greatest tourist attraction on the planet.

One last thing, we may exclude nearby hospitals from the public holiday.