Earlier in the week, AFL CEO Gillon McLachlan rang Gold Coast Suns CEO Andrew Travis to convince him to give up a home game and play Port in China.

Gillon McLachlan: G’day Andrew, it’s Gil. I just wanted to talk to you about an exciting opportunity.

Andrew Travis: Oh. You’re not shutting us down are you? I thought we had at least two more years. Should I sit down?

McLachlan: No! It’s exciting news. We want you to play a home game against Port Adelaide in China.

Travis: Hang on, I’m just going to pour myself a drink and lie down.

McLachlan: But this is a great opportunity. You’ll look like a visionary in years to come when all of China follows the AFL.

Travis: Like St Kilda achieved in New Zealand?

McLachlan: Hey, New Zealand’s a tough market to crack. Very different culturally to Australia, not like China.

Travis: Gil, we can’t give up a home game to play over there. The smog alone will probably kill off a few of our players.

McLachlan: How about I take away all the money that funds your club?

Travis: Can’t you make GWS do it?

McLachlan: We already make them play in Canberra. It’s just too cruel.

Travis: But why aren’t Port Adelaide giving up a home game? It’s David Koch’s fever dream, let him fund his own vision.

McLachlan: Travis, you should see Kochie’s financial projections, their immense. He had charts and a PowerPoint and one graph used Panda’s as data points. Pandas! The commission almost rubber stamped the whole thing right then.

Do you know how many people there are in China? A billion. Kochie thinks Port could win over at least ten or fifteen of them. We add in you and it could go as high as 18 people.

Travis: We haven’t even won over the Gold Coast or Western Sydney yet. This is like invading Russia in the winter.

McLachlan: To be fair, China is a lot less hostile to us than Western Sydney and who told you about Russia? Was it Eddie?

Travis: Look, we’ll do it because you own us but this is an expensive, foolish dream. Now speaking of expensive, how much for our home game?