The big issue in the AFL this year is apparently ‘equalisation,’ which is a nicer way of saying ‘communism.’

Its aim is to stop the richer clubs outspending the poorer, badly run clubs in things like scouting, fitness and coaches who know what they’re doing.

As a Melbourne fan, the AFL helping bad clubs goes against everything I believe in. I’ve never seen my beloved Demons get any assistance from the AFL.

But to help out, here are some thoughts on how to ‘equalise’ the AFL.

• Every year, the eight finalists are given new coaches depending on where they finish. For example, the Premier gets Mark Neeld , the runner-up gets Danny Frawley and so on until Matthew Knights.

• Instead of getting four points for a win, teams get a smiley face stamp. A loss counts as a ‘sun wearing sunglasses’ stamp while a draw ends in a big group hug by both teams.

• Each team is given a five year plan written by Cameron Schwab that they must follow.

• The ladder will be scrapped and replaced with a ‘Premiership circle’.

• Terry Wallace will become list manager for any club that finishes with a winning record.

• Drafting will work like a Kris Kringle where the next team can choose to take the player drafted by the previous team.

• Tens of thousands of members from popular clubs like Hawthorn, West Coast Eagles and Carlton will be forced to move to other clubs at gunpoint.

• A forced march of thousands of Richmond, Carlton, Hawthorn and Collingwood members to Greater Western Sydney will occur each February. They will be then resettled as Giants supporters.

• Tanking will be legalised with harsh penalties for teams that ‘try’.

• To bring the size of Collingwood’s membership base back in line with other clubs, individuals who marry family members will be ineligible for membership.

• The Brownlow will become a ‘Best Clubman’ award and each club will get a turn at winning it, starting with Adelaide and proceeding alphabetically, then repeating. This system was actually in place in 2000 before being scrapped after only one year.

• Every player in the AFL will get to stand on the Premiership podium and receive a medal. The ceremony will take seven days.

• Paul Roos will be made available to coach every club. While a roster will be developed for which club gets him when, the AFL will encourage clubs to practice ‘sharing’.

• Brian Waldron will work with clubs struggling financially to get them back to being competitive.

• A goal will now count for both teams regardless of who kicked it. A behind will result in all players from both teams congratulating each other.

• To get rid of a ‘cool group’, every AFL CEO will now head overseas with Andrew Demetriou for his annual mid-season ‘fact finding mission’. This rule will be reviewed if Jeff Kennett ever becomes President of a club again.

• After a game, both team’s club songs will be sung by everyone while holding hands. Every player and fan will also be allowed to do the cool ‘yellow and black’ bit from Richmond’s song.