The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to round twelve.

Thursday

Sydney v Western Bulldogs (SCG) 7.20pm AEST

This round we will have five days of football. It’s the closest I ever get to happy.

I assume non-football fans won’t be so thrilled, but that just adds to my joy.

It even kicks off with a Grand Final replay, which I would usually look forward too but Sydney have been more disappointing than Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

For some reason, this is already the second time these two have met this season, with the Bulldogs winning the round two clash. It’s good we’re in round twelve, and in an 18-team league, we are already having teams play each other again. If you’re looking for rational thought, however, the AFL may not be the sporting competition for you.

Back in round two, we all thought the Swans were a legitimate contender for the premiership, but they’ve since gone out of their way to convince us otherwise.

John Longmire has started to swing the axe, with Kurt Tippet dropped for playing at about a quarter of what his salary demands.

The Bulldogs decided to go another way, naming Travis Cloke for this game, in what I can only assume is some administrative error when lodging the paperwork.

The Doggies have a pretty decent record against Sydney recently, and the Swans have managed to lose four out of five games at the SCG. I think that’s a bad record to have at your home ground, but I’m not a statistical wizard.

Bulldogs to win here.

Friday

Adelaide v St Kilda (AO) 7.50pm

Adelaide might not survive as a club if the reaction of the South Australian media and Crows fans to last week’s loss are anything to go by.

So worried was I about the future of the club, I did some research and discovered the Crows are 2^nd on the ladder and not 31^st as the reaction suggested.

The Crows’ problems seem to stem partly from Taylor Walker carrying an injury and the fact that when Rory Sloane is tagged, the rest of the midfield act like they’re all being tagged too.

St Kilda had a bye last week, and it probably came at a good time. Their season has been underwhelming so far. They were meant to be one of the teams on the up, but their forward line has been more frustrating and ineffective than Siri.

“Did you say forward fifty turnover?”

“No, I said goal!!! Goal!!”

“I’m sorry I didn’t catch that.”

When it comes to playing the Crows, the Saints' recent record is worse than Craig McLachlan performing stand-up on the NRL Footy Show.

I’m tipping the Crows here.

Saturday

Hawthorn v Gold Coast (MCG) 1.45pm

The Suns’ proud tradition of off-field incidents continues with Jarrod Harbrow recording a blood alcohol level of 0.108 when he was pulled over on Monday morning. It was the Suns’ highest score this season.

This is another rematch occurring ridiculously early in the season. In round three, the Suns destroyed the Hawks by 86 points. It’s a result that only gets more embarrassing for Hawthorn, as the Suns have been awful since.

The MCC are predicting 26,000 people will turn up to this, which sounds optimistic to me.

It’s great to see Hawks fans sticking by their team through the tough times. I’ve seen people exit a burning building at less speed.

Hawks fans should mimic their team from last week and just show up at half time.

Who to tip though? The Suns hardly give you enormous confidence on the road, but the Hawks were historically awful last week.

I’m going to tip the Suns, but I warn you, my tipping this season has been as bad as the Hawks actual season.

Brisbane v Fremantle (G) 4.35pm

How exciting is this? A Sandilands-less Dockers take on the bottom of the ladder Brisbane Lions in the match of the round.

The Dockers are currently in eighth spot, which is amazing. It makes me question the integrity of the ladder, and the whole way footy works. Perhaps wins and losses aren’t the best way to measure a team.

Last week, the Dockers couldn’t even knock over an injury-ravaged Collingwood side at home. That’s like being an adult and not being able to blow out your birthday candles.

Brisbane are currently caught in a vicious cycle of being terrible. Therefore players want to leave, keeping them terrible.

What’s the most important thing for retaining players? Winning. Winning is the magic wand of sports. It fixes or covers up, every possible problem.

It’s why it will be hard for Brisbane to retain Josh Schache, who is in the position of being able to get more money and go to a better team there are, after all, 17 better teams than Brisbane (within hours of writing this, Schache signed for two years with Brisbane, proving that this guide is unhelpful and that I don't know what I'm talking about. But you already knew that).

Not that I’ve seen Schache do anything yet that would make me think he’s worth a lot but being a tall forward makes you a rare commodity in this league, and you’ll always get games, just ask Travis Cloke and Ty Vickery.

Dockers to win this.

Essendon v Port Adelaide (ES) 7.25pm

Paddy Ryder finally faces his old club. It must be hard to come up against a club that provided you with so many fond memories.

Ryder has been a big part of Port’s resurgence this year, which considering all those thought pieces on the ‘death of the ruckman’ is odd. Either those articles were wrong, or Paddy’s dominance is an optical illusion. It seems unlikely the media would be wrong.

Essendon are obviously still reeling from ‘PretzelGate’, a scandal that makes the supplement saga seem like a walk in the park.

Personally, I don’t think Brendon Goddard having a tantrum is even newsworthy. It’s like making a big deal about Gary Ablett having a thirty-possession game or Jarrad Waite getting suspended/injured.

The Bombers season overall has been more up and down than a night out with Robert Allenby.

There have been some highs, but there’s also been some stumbling over rocks in front of homeless people.

While we were all hoping the fairy tale of the Bombers winning the premiership this year would come true, I’m sad to say this isn’t going to happen.

I’m tipping the Power.

Sunday

Carlton v Greater Western Sydney (ES) 3.20pm

Basically, an intra-club match.

Whenever Greater Western Sydney want to offload a few people, they give Stephen Silvagni a call or as they call him ‘St Vincent de Paul’s’.

“SOS, we’ve got some…”

“I’ll take them.”

“Do you want to know who they are?”

“Anyone will be an upgrade.”

Greater Western Sydney are ‘ravaged by injury’, which has slowed them down to the point they sit 1^st on the ladder.

Imagine if they weren’t ‘ravaged by injury’, we’d have to invent a league above AFL to put them in. This abundance of talent is a legacy of Andrew Demetriou’s reign, who is now doing great things in the education and health sectors.

Giants fans get annoyed if you say their success is down to a lot of help from AFL House. They point to the Gold Coast’s failure to show it hasn’t all been handed to them on a silver platter.

There’s some truth in this. I think of it like this; The AFL is a V8 race. The Commission allowed two teams to enter Formula One cars. One of those teams crashed their Formula One car into a tree.

Congrats GWS on not crashing the car.

It must be annoying to always have your success questioned but a few premierships should sooth that pain, Giants fans.

GWS to win.

Monday

Melbourne v Collingwood (MCG) 3.20pm

When’s a blockbuster not a blockbuster? When it’s Melbourne playing Collingwood.

There’s a lot of interest this year for a change because both sides are equally average and there's been some low level sledging.

Collingwood will be without Jamie Elliott, Tyson Goldsack and Daniel Wells. That puts this into the dreaded ‘Melbourne can’t lose’ zone.

Wells is apparently out for the ‘medium term’, so I assume that’s the rest of the season. The Pies were excellent last week, showing they have heart. I’ve never believed their problem is heart or even support for Buckley. It’s the fact they have a lot of players that are only OK.

The Demons have to win this. They should beat a full-strength Collingwood side, let alone one with so many key outs. For so long the Demons just don’t show up to these games, seemingly defeated before they take the field.

Surely after a decade of that nonsense, it’s time to pleasantly surprise the Demons faithful?

I call them the faithful because faith is the absence of reason and you need to ignore rational thought to stick with the Dees.

Melbourne to win.

This game will have Big Freeze 3 occurring as part of it to raise money for Motor Neurone Disease. So much has been said about what an inspiration Neale Daniher is but it can’t be said enough. You can donate if you want to lend your support.

Byes: Geelong, North Melbourne, Richmond, West Coast

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