The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to round thirteen.

Thursday

West Coast v Geelong (DS) 8.10pm All times AEST

We all know tipping this year has been a nightmare. It’s like an exam where they change the answers after you’ve done the test. Frankly, I don’t need tipping to remind me I know nothing about footy each week, this column does that.

The Eagles did their fans a favour last week and had a bye. It gave their fans a chance to cool down, but on the flip side, they spent the bye sharpening their knives.

The silver lining for Eagles fans is if their team continues to fall, the Melbourne media won’t run those ‘Eagles took drugs in 2006’ EXCLUSIVES they’re so fond of whenever the Eagles are looking good.

Geelong are leaving the confines of Kardinia Park for the first time since their new grandstand was opened (Oh, you didn’t hear about that?). It was revealed this week that the new stand isn’t as big as promised. Apparently, it was meant to make the capacity 36,000 but now it’s built, it’s only 34,000.

Promising infrastructure of a particular size which fails to deliver when erected is no way to win over fans; the Cats need to remember this.

Geelong have been much better after their flat patch just over a month ago and the Eagles will be hoping they can do the same.

Without Josh Kennedy though, I’m tipping the Cats.

Friday

North Melbourne v St Kilda (ES) 7.50pm

St Kilda have lost their last three matches, but the most worrying thing has been the way they’ve lost. They’ve lost them by not being very good. That’s the worst thing you can be in football. All the stats I don’t understand are just a complicated way of saying that.

“Their forward 50 entries when behind, are the sixth worst in the comp over the last seven rounds.”

“So, you’re saying they’re not good at football?”

“Yes, but it would be a pretty short segment if I just said that.”

“I think most people would be all right with that.”

What’s been surprising about the Saints is they aren’t meant to be not very good, they’re supposed to be quite good, trending toward very good.

Last week saw them reduced to expensive background extras against Adelaide, in a display that was as worrying as it was lacklustre.

On top of that, they’ve had Leigh Montagna cracking the sads because of something Dermott Brereton wrote.

It’s notable for the discovery of someone that reads Dermott’s column.

Montagna needs to calm down; I mean what are the odds the Dermott wrote that article anyway?

I’m not even convinced Dermott himself has read it even now.

It was probably written by some blogger with soft hands and the aerobic capacity of a doughnut.

Given the likely author, Leigh just needs to remember that if you haven’t played the game at the top level, your opinions are worthless, in fact, you are worthless.

The Kangaroos are going to celebrate Boomer Harvey this Friday night, retiring his number 29 like any good baseball team would.

So highly do the Kangaroos think of Harvey that they sacked him last year, announcing it before the finals. So, retiring his number is part of them overcompensating, once they realised everyone thought they were jerks for doing it.

I’m tipping the Saints in this one.

Saturday

Richmond v Sydney (MCG) 1.45pm

Seriously, how are you meant to tip this?

Richmond are the arch nemesis of good tipping and Sydney have not been at all helpful this season.

I’m not sure if Sydney are back, but they sure looked like it last week against the reigning premiers. The Swans are now hoping to pull off a miracle and make the finals, like the student cramming at the last minute for an exam.

I bet the Swans regret waiting until round seven to start their season. They probably spent the first six rounds playing Horizon Zero Dawn before panicking and getting on with it.

The Tigers, on the other hand, started off well, had a bit of a crisis, and have recovered a bit.

However, my brain won’t let me believe in them. I’ve tried Richmond fans, I have, but there’s too much history. I know you understand.

Richmond winning the premiership would be the perfect ending to this crazy season though, the most up and down season won by the greatest rollercoaster of a team ever. I’d even be happy for Tigers supporters, given they’re all miserable types like myself after years of being let down by their one true love.

I’m tipping the Tigers here, but at this point, I’m just guessing.

Port Adelaide v Brisbane (AO) 4.35pm

Brisbane had a win last week, doubling their season’s win total in one game. That’s extraordinary growth.

It’s tempting to think they could even win another game at some point this season but let’s not get carried away just yet.

The Lions have had a good fortnight though. Hot on the heels of them re-signing Josh Schache (which I predicted*), the Lions have now stitched up Harris Andrews, Ben Keays and Sam Skinner.

Even though I’ve never heard of any of them, it’s a big deal and shows that Brisbane are no longer a place people flee the moment they are no longer contractually required to be there.

Port last week got embarrassed by Essendon. I know all about being embarrassed, ever since I delivered a reggae version of Love is a Battlefield at my high school’s talent show. At night, when it’s quiet, I can still hear their laughter.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, Port being terrible.

Look, do I think Port are looking shaky? Yes. Do I believe that they’re ‘lose to the Lions shaky?’ I do not.

I’m happy to be proven wrong on this one though.

Power to win.

*Fake news, and I mean actual fake news, not just an unpalatable fact.

Gold Coast v Carlton (MS) 7.25pm

Last week, the Suns won a game, and everyone started talking about them like they weren’t a basket case.

I did some research though and found out they defeated Hawthorn. Some further research revealed this is not an uncommon event in 2017.

You see, Hawthorn decided to self-destruct last offseason for reasons that are still yet to be revealed.

The Suns got a lot of praise because they came close to living up to their potential for a whole four quarters. It’s like when the teacher praises the kid who normally skips class for simply showing up like everyone else isn’t doing as a matter of course.

The Suns have a nice fixture coming up, so it will be interesting to see if they can keep this up or if they’ll revert to form.

Carlton beat Greater Western Sydney last week, even with the Giants runner Nick Maxwell hanging around and taking up space. It was like Maxwell was playing again, not having a direct opponent and all.

The Blues aren’t an amazing side, but they’re well coached, and they seem to learn week-to-week. Not repeating the same mistakes week in, week out is a rare quality that rarely gets highlighted.

On top of some great team form, they’ve also got likely Brownlow Medallist Liam Jones dominating down back.

One thing Carlton don’t get credit for is the fact that for the first time in a long time, they’re not a basket case off the field. President Mark LoGiudice has done a pretty good job calming all that down. It makes me worry they might be on the right track and I’d like it to stop.

I’m tipping the Suns here though, but this could be close.

Sunday

Western Bulldogs v Melbourne (ES) 3.20pm

Melbourne are coming off their greatest win since their previous greatest win, which is usually followed be a slew of losing performances.

But things will one day change. That’s what I tell myself as I rock back and forth in my padded cell at night.

Could it be this week? A win here and you’d have to start treating the Demons as a serious team, which would be like finding out fire isn’t hot anymore.

Let’s not dare to dream just yet. Melbourne’s win on Monday was great, but it was against Collingwood.

Playing the Bulldogs at Etihad is a lot harder and the Doggies haven’t played in two weeks so should be fresh.

A lot of people are writing off the Doggies already, but it’s too early for that. If memory serves, they won a premiership as recently as 2016, although it got little coverage in the biased media.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs here.

Byes: Adelaide, Collingwood, Essendon, Fremantle, GWS, Hawthorn

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