It’s the only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to round ten.

Thursday

Geelong v Port Adelaide (SS) 7.20pm All times AEST

This game will see two of the top sides go at it in front of some of the newest viewing infrastructure in the country.

Port are no stranger to new stands, playing at the newish Adelaide Oval and more recently, in front of that weird castle thing in China.

The Power had a bye last week to refresh themselves after collecting that sweet, sweet communist cash the week before. It’s been a solid financial strategy, even if all the billions of Chinese fans were in the marquees getting food while the game was on.

They face a Cats team that has remembered that footy is a contact sport and surprised even themselves by tackling the Bulldogs into submission last week.

Will the Cats stick with this new found tactic?

In good news for the Cats, Ken Hinkley has said he won’t tag Patrick Dangerfield and, why would you? It’s not like Dangerfield is the sort of player to single-handedly destroy teams.

Let him do what he wants I say. What’s the worst that can happen? No wait, they could lose! It’s a trap Ken; they don’t want you to tag him! Ken! Ken!

Cats to win this.

Friday

Sydney v Hawthorn (SCG) 7.50pm

It’s been awhile since this wasn’t a top eight clash. Instead, this year we get 12^th taking on 17^th.

For Sydney, it’s 12^th with a bullet, as they are now playing somewhere near what we all expected pre-season.

If they can get a win here, they’ll be flying with a spectacular record of 4-6! That could be enough to clinch a finals spot this season. If the AFL had its way, everyone would get the chance to play finals each year.

I think this wildcard thing is nonsense. Why don’t the AFL just let the Pies pay to be in the finals? In fact, paying to play in the finals would be the purist AFL policy ever. More teams, more cash.

Hawthorn still have Jaeger O'Meara’s return listed as ‘indefinite’ but to be fair, there was no prior history of him having injury problems, so you can’t criticise the Hawks’ list management for not seeing this coming.

Plus, they didn’t give up much to get him either, so no harm was done.

Hawthorn’s biggest structural problem this year is sending only Tom Mitchell out to play.

The onballer is playing against his old side this week, and he is probably hoping his new teammates decided to join him out on the ground this time. Currently, Mitchell is the council worker you see digging the ditch while 17 people ‘supervise’ him.

Sydney to win this one.

Saturday

Western Bulldogs v St Kilda (ES) 1.45pm

In good news for Bulldogs fans, it looks like Travis Cloke could be dropped for this game.

For the past few years, having Cloke in your team is like giving your opponent an extra defender, and an All-Australian one at that. Cloke manages to free up an opposition defender to rebound out of the back half, converts goals into behinds and often manages to keep himself to single digit possessions.

If only the Bulldogs had several years of footage showing this before recruiting him.

The Doggies can’t blame their patchy start to the season all on Cloke, as fun as that is, they’ve looked nothing like the team that swept all before them last September.

They’ve avoided scrutiny so far because all their supporters are still drunk and watch the Grand Final replay at least once a week.

Perhaps the Bulldogs themselves are not so much suffering a premiership hangover but one of those mornings after a big night out when you are still plastered.

You know, you then go to work and accidentally photocopy a blank sheet of paper and think the copier is broken and it takes you an hour to figure out that it’s not.

St Kilda can’t be accused of having a premiership hangover; they haven’t had a night out since 1966. In fact, when it comes to premierships, they’re teetotallers.

Last week, they waved the white flag early against the Swans once they realised the good Sydney had shown up.

It’s out of character for the Saints, they’re usually hard at it and had been in good form leading up to that.

I’m going to tip them in an upset as I think they’ll bounce back.

Melbourne v Gold Coast (TP) 4.35pm

Melbourne plays another of their games in the Northern Territory, which has been like booking in two losses a year for the club in exchange for cash. If only Melbourne could sell their other losses, they’d be sitting on cash reserves bigger than Apple.

Nothing rewards members more than selling home games to places they’ll never go to. That said, most places are somewhere Melbourne supporters won’t go to, after all, they consider Etihad Stadium an interstate venue.

It must be fun for the Sun's players, playing in China and now Alice Springs. The most impressive stat for the Gold Coast this year is their frequent flyer points.

The Demons continued their inability to put four quarters together last week. Considering they regularly give up big leads in single quarters, it’s amazing they seem to always remain in games at all.

Their biggest fear is that after what Ben Brown did to them last week, what will Tom Lynch do to them? Lynch is probably five times better than Brown so could kick thirty goals in this.

Melbourne’s only hope is to win the midfield, tough to do considering everyone over 6’6” is injured.

I think Melbourne will win, considering how bad the Suns have been, but this is the Demons so who knows?

Richmond v Essendon (MCG) 7.25pm

This is, of course, Indigenous Round and this game is its centrepiece, ‘Dreamtime at the ‘G’.

I’m a big fan of Indigenous Round. I like the fact that it honours the oldest continuous culture in the world and that it annoys all the people you want to be annoyed.

Watching people complain about there not being a ‘white male round’ is one of my favourite sports. Arguing white people don’t get enough recognition is like arguing there’s not enough water in the ocean.

As a white man, I couldn’t think of anything worse than a round celebrating us. Would there be a bunch of men dancing badly in the middle of the ground to Khe Sanh, spilling their beers on each other?

I can understand why people get upset though, white men used to get 100 percent of the top jobs, and now that’s down to about a lousy 93 percent.

In the wash up to the most recent Richmond disasters, I’ve read a lot of articles explaining how none of it is Damien Hardwick’s fault. It’s an important point, as it’s not like Hardwick has had this team since 2009. He’s obviously inherited this mess.

Also in his favour, is that the Tigers don’t have a history of failing when the pressure’s on during his tenure.

Instead of blaming him, we should be rewarding Hardwick for his services to comedy.

How he didn’t win the Barry Award at the recent Melbourne International Comedy Festival is beyond me. Surely the Tigers are the greatest comedy ensemble since Monty Python?

Essendon have in the past more trended toward tragi-comedy rather than the open farce of the Tigers.

In recent weeks though, they have made a pretty decent impression of a competent football team. They have an administration that doesn’t seem beyond the norm nuts, a record membership, have unearthed some very good young players and no one’s leaked audio tapes of the saga to the media for a few weeks.

It feels good to be able to go back to hating Essendon just for purely football related reasons.

I think the Tigers should win this, but I can see the comedic value in them losing this one, so fingers crossed.

Adelaide v Fremantle (AO) 7.40pm

You could be mistaken for thinking the Crows are back in form before you remember they beat Brisbane last week. Before that they had two of the worst performances of the season, which takes some doing this year.

A loss to the Dockers at home could dent the confidence of the Crows, on a scale unmatched since the time I got told I had to wear headgear at school to fix my teeth.

Thankfully, the other kids didn’t like me before the headgear, so their taunting and rock throwing wasn’t anything I wasn’t used to.

The joke is on those kids anyway. Look at me now, a sad, lonely man who sits in the dark and writes a blog but with perfectly straight teeth.

Fremantle are easily the best worst team in the competition. Ross Lyon’s dull as dishwater approach works well in this up and down year. They may have a percentage that matches my IQ, but they play consistently across four quarters, the holy grail of footy this year.

There should be no universe in which the Crows lose this, which makes me think they might but I’m not brave enough to tip the Dockers here.

Sunday

Collingwood v Brisbane (MCG) 1.10pm

No wonder the AFL lets people under 15 in free on Sundays to the MCG. For this game that may not be enough, a lump sum of cash might be required to get anyone to go.

Last week’s win has taken some of the pressure off Buckley and this week should deliver a win that convinces the Pies’ hierarchy that they are certainly on the right track and a premiership is just around the corner. Let’s all let them think that, this is working for us.

It was an impressive win against the Hawks, who currently sit in the lofty position of 17^th on the ladder.

The Lions may be worse than they were last year. An OK start to the season has given way to a horror show that makes you wonder how this club is ever going to turn this thing around.

For something to fail so spectacularly in Queensland usually requires the involvement of Clive Palmer. Credit to the Lions though, they’ve dug this hole all by themselves.

I can’t see them beating the Pies but if they do, that’s talk radio done for the next week.

Producers won’t even have to prepare, just open the lines to the callers.

Carlton v North Melbourne (ES) 3.20pm

Match Review Panel member Jimmy Bartel said this week that a special category for “non-football acts,” such as punches, should be introduced to deal with stomach and jumper punches.

It came on the back of the Kangaroos-Demons match last week. It’s always been strange to me that jumper punches and stomach punches aren’t just classified as striking. Bartel calling for a whole new category is peak AFL of creating complexity where none is required.

I’m also a bit worried if we start suspending players for ‘non-footballing acts’. The entire Eagles side would have been suspended off the back of last week’s game if that was in place.

North are certainly not as bad as their record suggests and last week took their chances against a patchy Melbourne. The Kangaroos are certainly one of the reasons everyone’s tips are going to be stuffed this year.

They’re both good enough and bad enough to win or lose every game. And yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that statement is, that doesn’t make it less true.

Carlton have lost Sam Rowe for the season, and they don’t exactly have the depth to cover him.

It’s a huge blow and could be the difference between them finishing 16^th or 17^th on the ladder.

I’m tipping North here.

West Coast v GWS (DS) 4.40pm

West Coast should be fresh after forfeiting their game against Essendon last week and staying home in Perth instead.

The Eagles were so bad that they made Essendon seem like premiership favourites. The drop off West Coast have in Melbourne is so strange.

It must be a mental thing. I’m always surprised at how much of the game is supposedly backup, especially given I’ve met so many players. They’ve rarely struck me as a group that overthinks things.

They do say still waters run deep, but in many cases, I’ve not detected any water, to begin with, hence my surprise.

All teams tend to struggle on the road but the Eagles don’t just lose, they turn in the sort of performances that lead to fans questioning why they devote so much time to something that hurts them so much.

The Giants haven’t been amazing this year, but there they sit, second on the ladder with a 7-2 record. Considering they have had a lot of injuries, that’s not a bad effort.

It does help when your back up players are all first round draft picks.

I’m tipping the Giants.

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