The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.
It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Nineteen.
Essendon vs Sydney (ES) 7:50 PM
The Swans are coming off a loss to the Gold Coast, a team that would have previously struggled in the NEAFL.
To say it was a disappointing performance by Sydney would be understating it somewhat. There are some games you just shouldn’t lose, and this was one of them.
It’s easy to blame effort for a loss, and in this case it’s also true.
This should mean the Swans will be motivated for this game, they’ll have had a week of John Longmire being furious with them.
I imagine a week of John Longmire being angry with you is going to put you in the mood to go pretty hard on the field. Remember, John Longmire’s nickname is ‘horse’ because he once killed a horse with his bare hands.
Essendon have won seven of their last nine games and are keeping their slim finals chances alive.
They’re like someone who’s left their essay to the last minute and are now trying to finish it all the night before.
I bet current Essendon are pretty angry at past Essendon for not working harder early. This is something current Titus often thinks of earlier Titus. Only the guilt of knowing future Titus will be angry with me makes me do anything at all.
Swans to win.
Richmond vs Collingwood (MCG) 1:45 PM
People complain about the footy but then we get games like this to look forward to, we remember why we fell in love with the game as children.
It will be the same for today’s children. Well, the ones with Foxtel who will get to fall in love with this game.
For the rest of them, like the vast majority of kids, they won’t be able to watch this but can listen to it on radio!
Isn’t the AFL’s strategy to grow the game great! Still, congestion is the real reason television ratings are down.
This will be a great game. We all knew Collingwood would be this great this season, but those Tigers have sure surprised us all.
The Pies have announced their now traditional ‘injured star of the week’ and it’s Jordan De Goey.
Collingwood seem to not worry so much about injuries anymore, it’s the norm for them.
Toby Nankervis and Brodie Grundy will duel it out again. Grundy’s form has been exceptional all year, but Nankervis can be brutal, just ask Brian Taylor.
I’m tipping the Tigers.
Geelong vs Brisbane (GMHBA) 2:10 PM
The Cats are coming off their after the siren defeat of Melbourne which broke what’s left of Demons fans’ hearts.
It’s a reminder you can never write the Cats off, especially at home. Yet the Cats are in ninth and if it wasn’t for Melbourne, they wouldn’t even be in the running for finals.
You’re welcome Geelong fans!
The Lions juggernaut finally came unstuck last week, losing a close one to Adelaide.
It was their first loss of the financial year. Brisbane supporters had come to expect winning as automatic.
Travelling to Geelong makes things tough but this is a team that beat Hawthorn in Tasmania a fortnight ago.
It’s been a while since the Lions have won in Geelong, the last time that happened, a guy called Chris Scott was playing for them.
Cats to win.
Greater Western Sydney vs St Kilda (SS) 4:35 PM
The Giants injury plagued season seems to be disappearing into the rear mirror as they start to get everything lined up.
It’s a scary possibly for the rest of the league as their speed around stoppages is quite scary.
They aren’t dominating yet, we haven’t had one ‘the Giants will ruin football’ story in the Victorian media, but it can’t be far away.
Taking on St Kilda at home is just the four points the Giants need as they consolidate their position in the top eight.
Of course, you can’t take any game lightly in the AFL. Just kidding, this is St Kilda, who seem to be going backwards, not forwards at the moment.
Gold Coast vs Carlton (MS) 7:25 PM
Last week, the Suns showed some fight that had been missing for the entirety of their history.
It was such a great win you could actually start to think they may have a future.
Now, as a reward, they get to take on Carlton, who it’s been revealed this week did even more salary cap cheating back in the day than we previously knew, and we knew a lot.
Finding out there are more cases of Blues players being paid under the table back then is perhaps the least surprising thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like someone telling you about a Bredan Fevola drunken escapade you weren’t aware of, interesting but you’re hardly reeling, thinking ‘it’s so out of character’.
The modern-day Blues are probably not salary cap cheating, although in the main year they got done for it under John Elliott they did win the wooden spoon.
That’s impressive, paying more to players than anyone else and still coming last. Now they can do it without paying their players more. Who said they haven’t improved?
While the past is trying to haunt them again, they had some good news this week, re-signing their entire team in one day.
Getting Cripps to stick around is huge. He is the heart of the current team. He’s also the lungs, kidney, legs and arms of the team.
Suns to win this.
Adelaide vs Melbourne (AO) 7:40 PM
Last time these two met, the Crows were at their lowest point, besieged by injuries and still recovering from that pre-season camp that left so many of them psychologically scarred.
The way the media talked about it you’d think they’d all been on a tour of duty in Nam.
The Demons back then were riding high, it was when they were being crowned 2018 premiers. People may have gone a bit early on that one.
Things have changed. Melbourne must win this to keep their chances of playing finals alive.
Adelaide are in the same boat, although coming from much further behind. The Dees have lost three of their last five games and their loss to the Cats could cause them all sorts of problems in the run home.
It means they simply have to win this.
Jordan Lewis is playing his 300thgame. He’s played in four premierships, but he might find getting the Demons into the finals is a much harder task.
Demons can certainly win this, but that’s often the case, the question is will they?
I’m going to tip them because I love to be disappointed.
North Melbourne vs West Coast (BA) 1:10 PM
The Eagles travel to Tasmania in what will be a tricky game against North Melbourne, who despite having the heaviest war chest in the league, have been drifting away from the eight in recent weeks.
News that Angus Brayshaw has re-signed with Melbourne this week appears to be another case of a big name rejecting the Kangaroos.
Perhaps the Kangaroos will respond like I have to rejection, stop trying at all.
North’s performance last week lacked a lot of the tenacity that saw them surprise everyone earlier in the year.
Unfortunately, no one is taking them for granted anymore and their results have slipped.
The Eagles have been good on the road this year, so a trip to Tasmania doesn’t signal the automatic loss it used to.
West Coast season is if anything, underrated. They’ve been seriously impressive, with their poor form a few weeks ago a result of key injuries.
I think they’ll win this one.
Western Bulldogs vs Port Adelaide (MS) 3:20 PM
The Bulldogs campaign to crack the lucrative sports market of Ballarat continues against an out of form Power.
Port Adelaide fans have been reminded in recent weeks of the importance of Paddy Ryder. Without him they’ve looked awful.
It’s a worry, as it signals that have the depth of a Michael Bay movie.
But he’s back this week and you only need to put together a few couple of good quarters to beat the Bulldogs, who don’t really go in for four quarter efforts.
Marcus Bontempelli should be back from appendix surgery to play his 100thgame.
There’re not many Bulldogs players over the years who can say their first 100 games as a Dog included a premiership.
His form hasn’t been to his usual standard this season, but he hasn’t been helped by, you know his teammates and everything.
Port to win.
Fremantle vs Hawthorn (OS) 4:40 PM
The Hawks are in the eight and really, they should win this, but so should have Port a few weeks ago and they played one of the worst games of whatever that was I’ve ever seen.
To be honest, I’m still scarred by that Dockers-Power game, and I find the sight of purple very triggering right now.
Fremantle are out of the race for finals, a relief for us all, especially their own fans who won’t have to watch them anymore.
Hawthorn have some tough games ahead so need to win this one. Like Melbourne losing twice to Geelong, the Hawks two losses to Brisbane could be what stops them playing finals if they don’t win the majority of their games from here.
The Hawks lost Daniel Howe for the rest of the season this week after he turned in one of the most spectacularly stupid games in recent times, tripping Zac Fisher (who suffered a cracked fibula as a result) and punching Patrick Cripps.
Given it was against the Blues, a team they had no danger of losing too, you have to wonder what was going through his mind. Or perhaps what wasn’t going through it.
Hawks to win.
Brisbane friends, I’ve got a new Brisbane show to announce for my ‘Manifestly Inadequate’ Tour.
It’s Wednesday the 5 September at the Sit Down Comedy Club. Details in the link below.
They are his traditional bye round tour wrapping up the 2018 season and previewing the finals.
The dates are:
4 August- Hobart
27 August- Canberra
29 August- Perth
31 August- Sydney
1 September- Melbourne
2 September- Adelaide
Ticket available here:http://www.frontiercomedy.com/titusoreily
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