The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to round fourteen.

Thursday

Adelaide v Hawthorn (AO) 7.50pm

Thursday night footy continues to go from strength to strength, with 1^st taking on 17^th. If anyone ever invited me to anything, I’d accept the invitation just to avoid watching this.

Of course, on the night, I wouldn’t go, I’d stay inside and watch this anyway because going out is awful, especially in winter. Not going out is probably my favourite thing to do.

My favourite things to do therefore go like this:

1. Not going out
2. Not talking to people
3. Not listening to people
4. Putting off difficult conversations
5. Watching someone fail

Both teams are coming off a much-needed bye, Adelaide to try to work out why they didn’t show up to a few games in the first half of the season and Hawthorn wonder how it all went so, so wrong.

Hawthorn announced this week that Jaeger O'Meara has another knee problem but said it was a good problem because it was a new one. ‘It’s stuffed but in a new, exciting way’ is not a concept that fills you with confidence.

Being told you have a new exciting problem, eerily similar to all the other problems wouldn’t put me at ease.

I’m tipping Adelaide.

Friday

Sydney v Essendon (SCG) 7.50pm

It was fun, and all but Sydney can’t play Richmond every week. Relying on your opponent tripping over themselves repeatedly, for two whole quarters, is not a reliable plan.

In fact, Essendon has, dare I say it, been impressive at times this year. They may not fold so easily. Then again, an ironing board folds less easily than Richmond.

The Swans haven’t left themselves a lot of room for error if they are to play finals. In good news for the club, Buddy managed to avoid a suspension this week, exercising his ‘get out of jail free’ card they give all the big stars in the competition.

The Match Review Panel really phoned it in this week, obviously deciding they’d prefer to top up their end-of-year drinks fund rather than suspend players.

The Bombers are also in the hunt for finals and have a run home easier than the Burnt Hut Spur at Mt Buller.

I know I speak for all footy fans when I say the idea of the Bombers going deep into September would be a feel-good story without precedent in sport.

I’m tipping the Swans in this one.

Saturday

Collingwood v Port Adelaide (MCG) 1.45pm

Nathan Buckley took aim at journalists and the media this week and said he doesn’t trust them. This was shocking to the media but not to everyone else. Not trusting journalists seemed as controversial as saying ‘people need oxygen to live.’

I guess it’s hard to have a good relationship with a group of people regularly calling for you to be fired.

Buckley’s view on not trusting media was a valid point but saying the media should only get information when the club decides and in the format they choose, is the sort of rigid thinking that seems to mark his coaching.

You know who also had this approach to media? Hitler.

Oh, not Adolf Hitler, that would be crazy to suggest Buckley is anything like him. I was talking about Ralph Hitler who I went to high school with. Ralph was a really nice guy, despite the unfortunate surname. He liked everyone, except for his parents who refused to change their surname. I lost touch with him when he moved to Argentina.

This game presents a real dilemma. A Port victory would cement them in the top four, which would be less than ideal but would also see Collingwood’s finals hopes pretty much ended. I don’t know who I want to win.

I think Collingwood will miss finals anyway so a Port loss would be great but I can’t see it happening, especially with the Pies having all their expensive, injury prone recruits, well injured.

Brisbane v Greater Western Sydney (G) 4.35pm

This is Heath Shaw’s 250^th game. In a career full of highlights, including the 2010 premiership, probably Shaw’s biggest highlight is leaving Collingwood at the right time. He always was a good reader of the play.

The Giants are second on the ladder but have a big asterisk next to them to signify they lost to Carlton. Still, in an unpredictable year, the Giants have been more consistent than not.

It’s why I still have them in the Premiership conversation. I say ‘premiership conversation’ because it makes me sound fancy, even though it’s been years since I’ve had a real conversation with anyone, preferring to use jokes to deflect from the fact that I hurt so much inside.

They say you learn more from losses, meaning the Lions are learning a lot this year. In fact, no one has learnt more than them in the last few seasons. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if they’re learning about football. Perhaps their knowledge of Quantum mechanics is going through the roof.

Can the Lions upset the Giants? No.

Western Bulldogs v North Melbourne (ES) 7.25pm

Apparently, the Bulldogs are infighting. So, they’re like every workplace in Australia then. They also sound like everyone’s family.

People even have infighting in themselves, like should I go to the gym or should I lie in bed and eat waffles? Of course, that one isn’t much of a fight.

Jake Stringer even came out publicly to shoot down rumours something was going on with his ex-partner and Jason Johannisen. The AFL often resemble a soap opera, and now players are having to shoot down rumours a lot, like the one Mark Murphy and Wayne Carey had to squash earlier this year.

In that spirit, I would like to squash the rumour that this column is pulled together by poorly paid interns. They are not paid.

Are the Bulldogs infighting? Who really knows? Like with all things in sport, their problem is losing. You can infight all you want if you’re winning, it only becomes an issue when you start playing like the pre-Bevo Bulldogs.

North played last week in the spirit of a hungover deli worker struggling through their Sunday Morning shift at Coles. There was a lot of looking busy while doing little.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs here, but if they lose this, they will go from the ‘rumours of infighting’ zone to ‘CRISIS ZONE’.

West Coast Eagles v Melbourne (DS) 7.40pm

I was disappointed to discover Melbourne aren’t premiers after last week’s win. It turns out there’s a thing called the top eight, then somethings called ‘finals’ and only after the finals do they award the premiership. I learn something new about football every single day.

Sad news for the Demons this week as Nathan Jones will be out 4-6 weeks with a bad quad strain. It’s an injury I’ve managed to avoid in my life by barely having quads.

Jones has been the heart and soul of the club for a long time now, in fact, he was for many seasons the only AFL player Melbourne had on the list.

His injury, coming after such a big win, is further proof the universe doesn’t want Melbourne fans to be happy.

West Coast has not lost to Melbourne since 2009. Now granted, a lot of that time the Dees would have struggled in the WAFL, but it’s still an impressive record.

Even worse than that is the fact the Dees haven’t won at Domain Stadium since 2004. How long ago is 2004? Well, Shannon Noll had a semblance of a career in 2004.

If this were in Melbourne, I’d be tipping the Dees, but I think winning over there is a stretch for them.

Sunday

Geelong v Fremantle (SS) 1.10pm

The Cats return to the safety of Simonds Stadium after last week’s loss to the Eagles. Under the new pay deal, Dangerfield’s salary has gone up, and it seems only fair considering he is often the only Geelong player that shows up to work for some quarters.

Joel Selwood will play despite his Randy Savage style ‘flying elbow’ on Sam Mitchell last week, with the Match Review Panel deciding that elbowing someone in the back of the head is an OK look for our game and not dangerous at all. Go to it kids in the junior leagues.

With Selwood milking frees by ducking, undoing the AFL’s efforts to limit concussions, he is a great role model for the next generation.

The mirage that was the Dockers resurgence was blown away in Brisbane a fortnight ago. It turns out you only get so much of a boost by dropping Zac Dawson.

Fremantle has a decent record at Skilled Stadium, but of course, that was before the NEW STAND, which is spoken about with such reverence in the media that you’d think it was more than a bit of infrastructure to buy off a marginal seat.

I’m tipping the Cats here.

Richmond v Carlton (MCG) 3.20pm

Tigers fans have probably spent the week wondering once again why they devote so much time to something that hurts them so much.

I wish I had an answer for them. Perhaps it’s a deep, deep flaw within themselves? I don’t know; I’m just guessing.

Whatever it is, fronting up to watch the Tigers play Carlton is a big ask. The Blues are certainly not a team you want to play to get your confidence back up.

They’re the worst opponent for Richmond, a team playing well but seen as inferior. There’s no upside for the Tigers here, a win and it will be seen as not that big a positive but a loss will have disaster written all over it and unleash more doorstops than in even Buckley’s worst nightmares.

The Tigers can totally lose this too. They can’t handle pressure. You wouldn’t want Richmond to be keeping a secret for you; they’d tell the first person that asked.

What I’m excited about is seeing Alex Rance up one end and Liam Jones up the other. This might just be the two of them having a game of kick to kick as they both single-handily stop every attack.

I’m tipping the Blues, mainly because it would be funny.

St Kilda v Gold Coast (ES) 4.40pm

It’s Gary Ablett’s 300^th game, and it’s a milestone worth celebrating one of the greatest players of all time. Imagine being as good at something as Ablett is at football.

It must be a great feeling to go to your place of work and just know you’re significantly better than anyone else. All I’ve ever felt at any workplace is a sense of dread and a creeping realisation that I was terribly unsuited for the tasks set me.

Just how good is Ablett? Well, Hall of Fames for other sports should have to induct him, that’s how good.

The Saints won last week against North, but it really felt like both teams lost. The idea it was a return to form by St Kilda is laughable; they almost let a completely apathetic North side back into the game.

On the positive side for the Saints, the Suns are so inconsistent that a good effort on Sunday should see the Saints get over the line.

If they don’t win this, the Saints season will go from disappointing to ‘a night with Titus’.

I’m tipping the Saints.

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