The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fifteen.

Thursday

Richmond vs Sydney (ES) 7:20 PM

Let’s get this straight, this game is at Etihad Stadium, but Carlton-Port Adelaide is at the MCG?

The work experience kid they got to do the fixture this season seems to have never watched football before. Not a huge change on previous years then.

Given Richmond’s allergic reaction to playing away from the MCG, Richmond fans won’t be happy.

Add to that they’ll have to go to Docklands, a suburb so sterile it makes Canberra seem vibrant and that’s a lot of angry Tigers supporters in the one place.

For the Swans, they’d probably have like to test themselves against the Tigers at the place Grand Finals get played. That would have been a sensible option for the AFL, to give interstate teams a chance to play there ahead of finals.

Ahhh, I see the problem now, it’s the sensible option. No wonder the AFL moved it to Etihad.

I think Sydney will win this.

Friday

Western Bulldogs vs Geelong (ES) 7:50 PM

The Bulldogs weren’t completely awful last week but still managed to manufacture a loss in heartbreaking fashion.

It was a painful loss, like rubbing all three salts on offer at Etihad Stadium into an open wound.

I’m not sure why the Bulldogs gave up on being a premiership winning team so quickly.

It was like the time I tried the gym, only to realise that given all the hard work getting there, the payoff wasn’t really worth it. Visiting the gym once every 62 years is enough for me.

Facing the Cats isn’t going to exactly cheer Doggies fans up. Patrick Dangerfield has almost single-handedly destroyed them the last few times they met.

Geelong once again find themselves pushing for a top four spot.

Unlike the Bulldogs, they’re more like the guy who goes to the gym every day and always tells you about it.

Like Greg Norman who revealed last week he goes to the gym two hours a day, five days a week.

That seems like a lot. No wonder he’s keen to get his kit off as much as possible.

After my one trip to the gym I spent the next two months telling people I’d ‘just been to the gym’.

Anyway, this has gone off track as far as a preview of a footy game hasn’t it?

Geelong to win.

Saturday

Carlton vs Port Adelaide (MCG)1:45 PM

Kade Simpson's plays his 300th game on Saturday and he says he still dreams of a Carlton premiership.

I believe dreams do come true and they should for Kade if he plays another 300 games.

Playing 300 games for Carlton would be no easy thing. I haven’t looked up his win-loss record in that time, but if I had to guess I’d say it would be something like 2 wins and 297 losses.

Charlie Curnow became ‘a once in a generation player’ this week in the media, just a week after many of them proclaimed Carlton had paid him too much in his contract extension.

Can you pay too much for a once in a generation player? Or is it possible neither of these things are true? It seems unlikely, I’ve never known the footy media to be wrong before.

Port last week saw off Melbourne in a late surge and now sit fifth. The Power seem to be passing each test set them this season.

Playing Carlton isn’t really a test, more an open book exam. Port will see this as the closest they’ll get to a training session on the MCG before finals.

Power to win.

Adelaide vs West Coast (AO) 4:35 PM

The Crows had a bye last week, so in the absence of a shambolic on field performance, they delivered an off field one in the form of a media conference.

At the event they announced they had sacked ‘Collective Mind’ the so-called ‘mind training company’ that was behind their disastrous pre-season camp and their hilarious ‘power stance’ from last year.

The Crows head of football Brett Burton defended the club’s hiring of people who were not trained psychologists:

“These guys are not psychologists, they don’t profess to be psychologists, they’re mental skills coaches.”

Amazingly, Burton still has a job. Surely after Essendon’s experience, having people with credentials is a must. Defending yourself by effectively saying “these guys never said they were qualified” seems an odd approach.

It was a truly bizarre media conference and wouldn’t be exactly fulfilling Crows fans with any confidence.

The Eagles aren’t exactly feeling confident at the moment, losing their last two games, including a ‘what the hell was that?’ effort against Essendon in Perth.

West Coast’s major problem is they are without both Jack Darling and Josh Kennedy. That’s a lot of goals to replace.

At least West Coast get to go up against a team with even more injuries than them.

I’m tipping the Eagles, but it will be close.

Gold Coast vs Collingwood (MS) 7:25 PM

I actually felt sorry for Collingwood supporters this week with the news Adam Treloar would miss a fair chunk of the rest of the season, if not all of it.

He tore both his hamstrings, one seriously. I had a similar injury a few years ago when I was reaching for a remote while balancing a bowl of wedges on my lap. The pain was intense. I lay screaming in pain for hours waiting for someone to find me. I still managed to finish the wedges though.

The good news is, after intensive rehab, I’m back to using the remote and eating wedges. The first time I was a bit tentative, but now I have full confidence in my body when watching TV on the couch.

Losing Treloar is huge for the Pies, so facing the Suns will at least cheer them up a bit.

The Suns have lost their last eight games. One of them was to St Kilda too.

Gold Coast’s major problem is they don’t have a midfield. Science and the Suns’ win-loss record teaches us that a midfield is important.

Pies to win this.

Greater Western Sydney vs Hawthorn (SS) 7:25 PM

The Giants spent this week lashing out at everyone because they thought people were being mean to Jeremy Cameron.

Everyone it seemed had sided with the guy who had bleeding on the brain, not the guy whose elbow caused it. Weird huh?

It would have made more sense if they just quietly accepted the five weeks, which you could argue was on the light side given his record and, you know, the bleeding on the brain.

Anyway, Cameron’s suspension has made a difficult year an almost impossible one for the Giants.

Now they get Hawthorn who along with the Giants are just outside the eight. A loss to either of them will severely dent their chances of making the finals.

Unfortunately, they can’t both lose.

I’m tipping Hawthorn.

Sunday

Melbourne vs St Kilda (MCG) 1:10 PM

This is ‘The Welcome Game’, where these clubs and the AFL encourage people who haven’t seen footy before to come along.

I’m not sure watching St Kilda in action is the best way to encourage them to come back a second time.

Melbourne needs a win after two losses in a row. They don’t have an easy run home either, so they have to win this one. I don’t think I could handle losing this one and it being the reason we miss finals. That couldn’t happen, could it? Could it? Please tell me it couldn’t.

St Kilda are coming off their second win of the season and winning two in a row would be achieving something even their most hardcore fans had given up on.

Remember when St Kilda were considered a finals chance? They were simpler times we lived in all those 15 rounds ago.

Melbourne simply can’t lose here, which is a good reason to think they will, but I just can’t tip St Kilda.

Essendon vs North Melbourne (ES) 3:20 PM

North Melbourne have apparently made a ‘Godfather offer’ to Collingwood’s Jordan De Goey.

It’s called a Godfather offer because like in the movie, it’s an offer he can’t refuse.

I can only assume the people using the term haven’t seen The Godfatherand don’t know that because it seems AFL players have had no problem refusing offers from North Melbourne.

In fact, the only thing harder to crack than North’s defence is their war chest, which must now be bigger than the Australian mint.

The Bombers are coming off a huge win in Perth, making them one of the most confusing teams in the league. Like Maccas Chicken Nuggets, one time they're great, the next time, you’re sober.

North should put up more fight than the Eagles did. Well, a small child would do that.

Kangaroos to win.

Fremantle vs Brisbane (OS) 4:40 PM

I think we’re at the point of the season where we can all stop caring about games like this.

Instead, I plan to head off to the pub to drink alone. I expect it will end up in the media somewhere because that seems to be a news story these days.

Personally, drinking alone is one of the greatest activities anyone can do. It combines two of my favourite things, drinking and not talking to people.

Steve Smith looked perfectly happy to me drinking alone. Sure, people can be angry at him for cheating, but we can’t let that become an attack on our freedom to drink alone, which is enshrined in the Australian Constitution, and I quote:

The Australian Parliament shall make no law abridging the freedom to drink alone, even if that person recently cheated in a Test against South Africa.

You’ve got to admit; those Federalist knew how to write a Constitution.

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