A highly unhelpful guide to Round Eleven | Titus O'Reily

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A highly unhelpful guide to Round Eleven

The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Eleven. 

Friday

Sydney vs Carlton(SCG) 7:50 PM

A lot has been made of all the terrible Friday night games and their impact on ratings. 

This is a crisis I can relate to, given unlike many of you, I have no other options on a Friday night but football. 

No dates, no drinks with friends, no invitations.

Just me and bloody Carlton. 

Not that it’s the Blues fault the AFL have handed them a bunch of prime-time slots but it’s fun to blame Carlton even if it’s unjustified.

Apart from the terrible games, perhaps Channel Seven could hire some commentators and ‘special comments’ people who don’t spend half the game congratulating each other on what a great job they are doing.

I notice Stephen Quartermain is now free and what I’d give for him to end up on Channel Seven calling games, he is light years ahead of what they currently have.

Anyway, this is 4thplaying 18th. Not a lot of analysis needed, Swans to win.

Saturday 

Western Bulldogs vs Melbourne (ES) 1:45 PM

In a week where the Demons won the AFL Premiership, it’s strange they have to play again.

My tattoo hasn’t even healed. 

Bulldogs fans will be hoping their team is fresh after taking the second half off last other week. 

Contrast the firepower of both sides, in the past fortnight, Melbourne have kicked 48 goals, the Bulldogs just 11.

And while the Demons kicked 23 goals against the Crows, the Bulldogs booted just two (although in much worse conditions).

The big question is what has happened to the Bulldogs since their Premiership? At least it’s fun to constantly refer to it as a fluke. Doggies fans love that.

This is Melbourne Captain Nathan Jones’ 250thgame, an amazing milestone considering Jones has had to play in some of the worst teams the AFL has ever seen.

So often it’s been Jones who has been the only player putting in anywhere the required effort, like someone stuck in the worst group assignment ever.

Consider that since he started in 2006, he’s played in 74 wins, 172 losses and three draws.

Even worse, he had to play for Mark Neeld.

Finally, Jones is surrounded by other AFL players and is actually happy, a new experience he and Demons supporters are still coming to terms with.

He is the heart and soul of the Demons and is owed a win in this game from the entire club. Yes, I do love him.

I can’t see Melbourne losing here, the Bulldogs just can’t score enough. 

Hawthorn vs Port Adelaide (UTS) 2:10 PM

This is actually an important game with 9thplaying 10th(although Port have played one less game).

The Power have gone from playing in China to playing in Tasmania, which is quite a change, although China has as many AFL sides as Tasmania and is probably more likely to get one first.

In fact, not first, just likely. Perhaps Tasmania could change their name to ‘China’ to entice the AFL.

A Chinese AFL team could play their home games in Tasmania, it would attract the same amount of Chinese spectators.

Port had the bye last week so should be rested from their overseas jaunt, while Hawthorn’s shortcomings were highlighted by the Eagles.

The Hawks come into this on the back of three losses. I’d forgotten they were even allowed to lose that much in a row. 

Hawks fans must be looking at each other saying, ‘Is this even legal?’

Sitting in tenth, this is a must win for the Hawks or suddenly Hawthorn fans will be wandering the streets in September wondering what to do. 

Really, there should be an app where they can connect with Demons supporters who won’t need their numerous vacation homes for the first time in more than a decade.

I’m tipping Port here.

Gold Coast vs Geelong (MS) 4:35 PM

Tom Lynch is back for the Gold Coast, which means I know one of the Suns players names.

That might not last for long, given all the talk he is going to leave.

Why would he want to leave the Suns? Perhaps he wants to play in a professional team or something. Who knows with these modern-day footballers.

This is the first game the Suns have played at home all year, because the primary school athletics carnival that is the Commonwealth Games was being held at Metricon.

Gary Ablett returns to the Gold Coast too, after rewarding the huge piles of money they threw at him by getting out of there as fast as he could. 

I’m sure he does have some fond memories of the money he made up there.

Unfortunately, his fairy tale return to Geelong (what a fairy tale, guy leaves you for more money and then comes back at the end of his career) is not going to plan.

I hope he’s ready to be booed by dozens of Suns supporters.

Cats to win. 

Essendon vs Richmond (MCG) 7:25 PM

Dreamtime at the ‘G, one of the great moments of the season and looking like an entertaining game with the Bombers no longer being horrendously awful.

This will be a special moment in the Sir Doug Nicholls Round which celebrates the game’s Indigenous players and culture.

And there’s a lot to celebrate, with Indigenous people making a huge contribution to Australian Football. Imagine if we worked so hard to get them involved in other parts of Australian life?

Essendon’s rebound will be tested here, Richmond may not be playing at their best but are still very good.

Last week against St Kilda, they played poorly in parts but still ran over the top of them and Essendon will have to face the sort of pressure they didn’t get from the Giants.

This is Jake ‘Watch How Bad My Tattoos Can Get’ Stringer’s 100thgame, at least 20 of those games begin really good.

Essendon haven’t beaten Richmond since 2014, that’s the last six games, quite a streak. 

I don’t expect that to change here.

West Coast vs St Kilda (OS) 8:10 PM

St Kilda weren’t painful to watch last week, not once did I feel like pouring salt into my eyes for relief, it must have been a nice change for their remaining fans.

This one is a little more difficult, traveling to Perth to play the red-hot Eagles. 

It’s perfect timing for Jake Carlisle to get suspended given they now face Josh Kennedy and Jack Darling. 

I’m sure they have other people to play on them. Well, fairly sure.

I actually feel sorry for Saints supporters, imagine being put in the position where the Ross Lyon years are the highlight of your life? 

Eagles fans are more excited than an AFL executive near a pile of money. They’ve passed every test set them and if they win here it’s ten wins in a row.

And they will win.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs Brisbane (ES) 1:10 PM

North have not only proved everyone wrong, think of all the jokes they’ve ruined.

We could have been really enjoying this season but no, they had to go and get good. 

Now they face the ‘not as bad as you think they are even though they’ve only won one game all season’ Lions.

It does make this a somewhat interesting game, as Brisbane have started to fit some of the pieces together, but against North you’d want to be good.

They do all the things coaches talk about doing but teams really do. They tackle, defend and are disciplined. They also don’t make many mistakes.

Waiting for your opponent to shoot themselves in the foot is a surprisingly successful strategy in this league.

Not that North can’t create their own opportunities, their midfield is underrated, and Ben Brown is a star.

Just one lock of his hair can heal broken bones and broken hearts. It also smells like cinnamon.

Collingwood vs Fremantle (MCG) 3:20 PM

Collingwood have injuries, Jeremy Howe (bone bruising), Ben Reid (leg) and Travis Varcoe (hamstring) have all been added to the list. I didn’t say this was earth shaking news.

On the plus side for the Pies, Aaron Sandilands is out, meaning Bucks might only need to send Brodie Grundy out to win this.

Fremantle have only won one of their past five games, instead preferring to focus on off-field HR issues this season.

The last time the Dockers beat Collingwood at the MCG was 2006. That’s a long time ago and their scoring options haven’t improved since then.

Collingwood are a real chance to win here and I am slowly coming around to the uncomfortable realisation that they may play finals. 

Chris Mayne will face his old side for the first time since his wildly successful move to the Pies. 

This year he’s been OK and despite things being awkward at times at Collingwood, there’s nothing like facing this Dockers team to make him feel good about himself.

Pies to win.

Adelaide vs Greater Western Sydney (AO) 4:40 PM

Two injury plagued teams face off after disappointing showings last round.

The Giants are at the point where any more losses and finals become impossible. 

They’ve lost four on the trot, and the effort shown over that period would be causing outrage if anyone cared about them.

Luckily the Sydney media are still unaware there’s an AFL team in Western Sydney. They’ve heard rumours but haven’t bother to send anyone out to check.

The Crows were embarrassed last round and Don Pyke has been weirdly staring at them all week. I’ve heard he’s often just stood outside players homes staring at them watching TV through the window.

“You want to come in Don? No? You’ve been there an hour. OK. This is weird now Don. My girlfriend has called the police. Don, she really has, you’d better go. Don, I didn’t even play last week, I’m injured remember? Here are the police Don. Answer them Don, don’t stare at them.”

I’m tipping the Crows.

I have two new dates to announce for my show A Thoroughly Unhelpful History of Australian Sport. Exciting!

The first is 7.00pm Wednesday 6 June The Comic’s Lounge in Melbourne.

The second is 8.00pm Thu 7 June Arkaba Hotel Adelaide.

The last ten shows at the Melbourne Comedy Festival sold out so get in early.

Tickets for both shows available here:frontiercomedy.com/titusoreily

 You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. I aim to keep as much of my stuff on this site and available to everyone and not behind paywalls. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus

Comments

Bill 1 June 2018

"Hire some commentators and ‘special comments’ people who don’t spend half the game congratulating each other on what a great job they are doing."

Signet 1 June 2018

You are all just too fussy. I can put up with them all but one. Just keep telling Brucey baby he is so wonderful that he should bestow his statistical gems only when Melbourne clubs are playing each other and that the deprived souls in Sydney will manage to muddle through without him.

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I know, let's have Brian "Boorish" Taylor tackle commentating Rugby League State of Origin in the Roy and HG vein. Second thoughts.................let's just prep him for the next Royal weeding. Might be a long time in practise but at least it would get him off the TV.

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Rick 1 June 2018

"Awww great call Lingy!", "You're all over it Darce", "Great insight Duck!", "That's why you're the number 1 caller in the business BT!".
Thank you Titus, I thought it was just me who was overcome with nausea with the congratulatory ch7 commentary team.

Steele 1 June 2018

Don't forget the endless obsession with mullets and moustaches.

INGERS 1 June 2018

Great call on Quarters, lets sub him in

TimB 1 June 2018

"China has as many AFL sides as Tasmania and is probably more likely to get one first."

"Gold, Jerry!. Gold!"

Thommo 1 June 2018

With "A Chinese AFL team could play their home games in Tasmania, it would attract the same amount of Chinese spectators" taking the silver.

Bloke from the Outer 1 June 2018

'I hope he’s ready to be booed by dozens of Suns supporters.'

They have that many?

Meanwhile that glib tosser was spreading cake crumbs in tassie. http://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-05-31/a-standalone-tasmanian-afl-team-is...

Lucky he's looking after the 'grass roots' by wasting millions on the suns, GWS and china forays. What is most galling is that he and vlad will never be held account.

Paulie 1 June 2018

I want to smell Ben Browns hair now.

Dogboy63 1 June 2018

I'm a Doggies fan, and usually those calling 2016 a fluke are followers of teams who can't even manage a fluke. Fluke or not, I couldn't give a rat's.. We got one in the bank and I can die happy! Love your work Titus.

Easy 1 June 2018

It was totally not a fluke.

It was a gift.

Soups 1 June 2018

I don't know why I persist in drinking coffee and reading these columns; coffee ends up everywhere. Line of the year goes to "I actually feel sorry for Saints supporters, imagine being put in the position where the Ross Lyon years are the highlight of your life?" SO. TRUE.

Mick 1 June 2018

You keep flogging a dead horse regarding Tassie, but the fact is, if Tasmanians were into footy they'd have a team in the national competition.

Maybe if they had a team, they'd warrant some attention but if they warranted any attention they'd have a team. See how it works? Simple stuff, mate.

It's crazy putting all the responsibility onto the AFL to astroturf Quiddich-mad Tasmania when they have real grass roots to nurture in south China.
If in doubt refer to Directive 1 in your copy of the AFL's Little Red Book: "All AFL decisions are correct at all times and for all time", you heretic.

Doc 1 June 2018

Do people really cut and paste parts of your analysis into the comments before telling you how good it was, or is it you trying to draw attention to your favourite quotes?

Jason 1 June 2018

Great call on Quarters. He’s leap years ahead of anyone at channel 7 at the moment.

billy ray 1 June 2018

"Do people really cut and paste parts of your analysis into the comments before telling you how good it was" - great comment

Steele 1 June 2018

""Do people really cut and paste parts of your analysis into the comments before telling you how good it was" - great comment". Ha!

George Barry 1 June 2018

""Do people really cut and paste parts of your analysis into the comments before telling you how good it was" - great comment" - Keep up the good work

Dingles 1 June 2018

Replace BT with Quarters - please.....

Samantha 1 June 2018

I regret not reading these sooner. Fucking brilliant!

Borissimo 1 June 2018

I have a theory - Channel 7 keep these commentators just because they are so atrocious setting them apart from all the others. Oh, they are so bad they've actually made me like Eddie, something I thought I'd never say & makes me quite ashamed.

Daniel B 2 June 2018

Listening to BT calling LLLLllllloyd every time one of Sydney's second-tier players gets the ball is nauseating. Kept alternating with the radio, which was two seconds ahead of the TV. Ended up settling with the radio.

stevoz 2 June 2018

LLLlllloyd.....a second tier player? What a joke.....you seen the AFL disposal stats this season? You're about as 'informed' as the Vic footy media..

Kim jong un 2 June 2018

Mee two busie bumping, thumping and trumping ta be bothad vith vatching karlton and dont vont to sea fottie dis veekend. Afl fooked my fridee nights with force karlton spoil so many fridees. Me say girl gloklen need brain fix vot da fook ver dey thinking with drawer.

stevoz 2 June 2018

Bulldogs premiership was more than a fluke......it was a gift, from the AFL and their umpiring department. First premiership in history decided by the umpires. A shameful day in AFL history......but the Victorians loved it, which is all that matters.

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lisa donna 23 July 2018

REAL ONLINE LOVE SPELL CASTER PRIEST WISDOM THAT BROUGHT BACK MY EX LOVER YOU CAN EMAIL HIM on supernaturalspell@yahoo.com or whatsapp him +2348124644470

Hello everyone i know there is someone somewhere reading this,My name is lisa donna from USA,I want to share a great work of a spell caster called PRIEST WISDOM my husband and i had a fight which led to our divorce but when he left me a part of me left with him and i was to sad and cried all day and night i was searching something online when i saw people testifying about his great work and i just decided to give him a try i did everything he told me to do and he assured me that after 24 hours my husband will come back to me,the next morning to my greatest surprised a car stopped outside my house and it was my husband i'm so happy he can also help you email him at supernaturalspell@yahoo.com or whatsapp him +2348124644470 ... OR VIEW THIS https://lettalaabourtrelationship.blogspot.com....

Joe 25 July 2018

Beware of online spell or to fix your broken marriage or relationship problem or after a divorce or Breakup,I was recently scam by two of them, until one faithful day i meet a man called Dr Oseiboh who help me to get back to the mother of my 2 kids after we have been separated for 3 years,I only pay for the items required for the spell and he cast the spell for me within 48hours my ex wife called me and beg me to forgive her for everything and we are back together.if you need a real and quick love spell or you are passing through pregnancy problem Dr Oseiboh is the answer, Please if any body needs. LOVE SPELL,LOTTERY,PREGNANCY SPELL, DIVORCE SPELL,STOP COURT CASE AND WIN ANY COURT PROBLEM,DEATH SPELL,BUSINESS SPELL AND MANY MORE YOU MAKE NEED. Email him now for your own help. via email droseiboh12@gmail.com add him on whatsapp line or call +2347017565415.

mercy 27 July 2018

Am from United State,I have been suffering from (HERPES) disease for the past four years and had constant pain, especially in my mouth During the first year,I had faith in God that i would be healed someday.This disease started circulate all over my body and i have been taking treatment from my doctor, few weeks ago i came on search on the internet if i could get any information concerning the prevention of this disease, on my search i saw a testimony of someone who has been healed from (Hepatitis B and GUM disease) by this Man Dr astogo and she also gave the email address of this man and advice me to contact him for any sickness that he would be of help, so i wrote to Dr astogo telling him about my (HERPES Virus) he told me not to worry that i we be cured!! hmm i never believed it,, well after all the procedures and remedy given to me by this man, few weeks later i started experiencing changes all over me as Dr astogo assured me that i have cured,after some time i went to my doctor to confirmed if i have be finally healed, behold it was TRUE, So friends my advice is if you have such sickness or any other at all you can email Dr astogo on : (drastogospellhome@gmail.com) or call him with +393510025283. he live in europe and he is ready to help you no matter the country you are. sir i am indeed grateful for the help i will forever recommend you to my friends!!!

clouds 29 July 2018

My mum had small cell terminal lung cancer. She lost her hair while going through chemo and it devastated. She has recently finished her radiotherapy and she was losing her hair again :( mum wanted me to shave it off again as it's coming out in clumps.i know she was very upset and have told her to be confident it'll grow back but she's so upset, life became hell for me, because i just cant imagine my mum this way. i actually posted this online, and somebody replied me, that he knows once who can cure my mum, without spending much money and without taking anytime anymore, and there wont be any hair loss anymore. I said okay and i want to give it a try, the person that helped him (the person that i was referred to) is Dr Covenant, his email is covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com, he gave me his email address and i contacted him and told him everything, he (Dr Covenant) said i should not worry everything'll be okay in space of 8 days, i actually gave him a try.
It was not up to the 3rd day, i started noticing changes in my mum. Now my mum is healthy back and the cancer is gone. Am so grateful about this. I actually thought that my mum was going to die, but now she is still alive. Friends, if you have any problem such as cancer, or other illness like HIV/AIDS, GONORRHEA, or any other illness at all, and he is also specialized in getting ex back contact Dr Covenant on his email covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com or add him on watsapp on +2349057353987 or call him directly on +2348146671563. you can also go through his website if interested http://covenantspelltemple.blogspot.com.
MY BEST FRIEND IS STILL ALIVE, AM GRATEFUL COVENANT.

Sophia 31 July 2018

Good News My People ..I Want To Appreciate Dr.OKOUGBE Herbal Medicine Is A Good Herbal Medicine For( HERPES VIRUS ) I Was Diagnosed With HERPES Virus Last Month,And Was Look For Solution To Be Cure Luckily I Saw A Testimonies On How Dr.OKOUGBE Cure HERPES VIRUS I Decided To Contact Dr.OKOUGBE I Contacted Him He Prepared A Herbal Medicine Portion And Sent It To Me,I Started The Herbal Medicine For My Health.He Gave Me Step By Step Instructions On How To Apply It, When I Applied It As Instructed, I Was Cured Of This Deadly Herpes Virus Within 2weeks, I Am Now HERPES Negative.My Brother And Sister I No That There Are So Many People That Have There Same Herpes Virus Please Dr OKOUGBE To Help You Two,And Help Me To Thank Dr.OKOUGBE, I’m Cured By Dr.OKOUGBE Herbal Medicine,His Email:drokougbespecialhome@gmail.com Or Cell Whatsapp Number +2348119278442. Dr okougbe also has the cure for ALS, HEPATITIS B, CANCER, HERPES, DIABETES. INFERTILITY.

https://www.facebook.com/Dr-okougbe-home-of-wisdom-357067391386912/messa...

Sophia 31 July 2018

Good News My People ..I Want To Appreciate Dr.OKOUGBE Herbal Medicine Is A Good Herbal Medicine For( HERPES VIRUS ) I Was Diagnosed With HERPES Virus Last Month,And Was Look For Solution To Be Cure Luckily I Saw A Testimonies On How Dr.OKOUGBE Cure HERPES VIRUS I Decided To Contact Dr.OKOUGBE I Contacted Him He Prepared A Herbal Medicine Portion And Sent It To Me,I Started The Herbal Medicine For My Health.He Gave Me Step By Step Instructions On How To Apply It, When I Applied It As Instructed, I Was Cured Of This Deadly Herpes Virus Within 2weeks, I Am Now HERPES Negative.My Brother And Sister I No That There Are So Many People That Have There Same Herpes Virus Please Dr OKOUGBE To Help You Two,And Help Me To Thank Dr.OKOUGBE, I’m Cured By Dr.OKOUGBE Herbal Medicine,His Email:drokougbespecialhome@gmail.com Or Cell Whatsapp Number +2348119278442. Dr okougbe also has the cure for ALS, HEPATITIS B, CANCER, HERPES, DIABETES. INFERTILITY.

https://www.facebook.com/Dr-okougbe-home-of-wisdom-357067391386912/messa...

Steven Kizzy 31 July 2018

Am so happy today because I am free from Genital herpes {Sexually transmitted infection}. I have been having Genital herpes since the past two years now, and I have passed through many different processes in getting cured from the diseases of HSV-2 but nothing was working out, A friend of mine introduced me to a doctor who sent me herbal medicines which he prepared for me, and my life get transformed and everything is fine and okay with me. Till now I have been going to check up and it is now going to four good months and I am still negative, sir am indeed greatful for the cure and i will forever recommend you to my friends!!! and also to dose of you out their he will help you too contact him via email onihaherbalhome@gmail.com.

Pamela 1 August 2018

I really want to appreciate Dr Oba for using his herbal medicine to cure my
herpes o since 3 years now I have been living with this virus and it has
been giving me challenges, I was so perplexed cause i have been taking
several drugs to be cured but all of my Search like that for google.us was
in vain,one morning i was browsing through the Internet then i saw several
testimonies about Dr. Oba curing people from Herpes virus and immediately i
contacted Dr. Oba on his email: drobaspellhome902@gmail.com i told him
about my troubles and he told me that i must be cured, gave me some
instructions and which i rightly followed. so he prepared a herbal medicine
for me and sent it to me which i used for 3 weeks and everything was like a
dream to me and my Herpes virus was totally gone, why don't you contact him
today and be free from your diseases because he is very good and honest
Doctor. contact him via email; drobaspellhome902@gmail.com or call/whatsApp
him on +2348159753628

jasmine milli 1 August 2018

Hello everyone, I'm not here to check out on sick people but to advise you all on how you should go about your Herpes disease. I was diagnosed with Herpes nine months ago and tried to get rid of it with everything I thought I could, it really made me uncomfortable in my house and place of work and everywhere I find myself, I used a lot of money on drugs but none worked until I was advised by my neighbor to go contact Dr Akpan on his email; akpanherbalhelp@gmail.com and which I did. I reached him and complained all of my problems he gave me hope and I was happy with that alone before he prepared his medicine and send to me to use, to my very greatest surprise, under two weeks, I started to see changes and gradually I was getting better and which i am okay now fully. so I advise the whole public to that has same issue to please contact Dr Akpan to save your life because he's good and very honest. His email is; akpanherbalhelp@gmail.com or you can call/WhatsApp him on mobile +2348143502763. Thanks Dr Akpan.

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