With Sydney Swans fans descending on Melbourne this week for the Grand Final, here’s a helpful guide to the home of the world-famous Art Centre Spire.

Melbourne is a great city. Sure, it lacks the Harbour Bridge or the Opera House, but it makes up for it with graffiti filled alleys and trams. Everyone likes trams right?

The people are sporadically friendly, the food expensive and we welcome your ‘cost of living’ money with open arms.

Climate

There’s a saying in Melbourne, ‘if you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes.’ Of course, there is no guarantee you’ll like the next set of weather.

There looks like there’s a bit of rain about this week, but importantly it’s clearing for the big day.

As a Sydneysider, act superior about your weather, people will love that.

Public Transport

Melbourne is well serviced by public transport. Not that Melburnians think that. They act like they’re living in a third world country.

Compared to Sydney however, it’s a transport utopia you can only dream of.

Melbourne’s iconic trams are fun to ride on for literally minutes.

Taxis are ok, but will be hard to get on Grand Final night. Whatever you do, don’t wait in a taxi rank. You’ll be there till the end of time.

A taxi driver will know less about Melbourne’s geography than you. Google Maps is your best friend.

Go to the edge of the city and hail a taxi.

Trains are frequent and work fairly well by international standards and there are lots of buses which Melburnians never use.

I personally recommend a chauffeur or as I call them, ‘Mum.’

MYKI

MYKI is the worst thing ever invented in the history of time. Easily.

It‘s the ticketing system for Melbourne’s public transport system. It’s complex and works poorly. The good news is, it was astoundingly expensive to put in place.

It’s like your Opal card but worse. Yes! That really is possible.

There are no single trip passes because why would you want to make things easy for tourists?

You’ll have to buy a card and top it up. This should only take you six or seven days to complete on one of the dozens of inconveniently located machines.

Don’t worry, Metro’s helpful ticket inspectors will menace you accordingly.

Hating MYKI will make you feel like a real Melburnian.

Best bet is to go to Flinders Street station in the heart of the city and get them to sort you out there.

Culture

Melburnians are a cultured lot. We like coffee, cafés, cafes that serve coffee, cafes in alleyways and coffee.

We also have lots of alleys in Melbourne which are world famous apparently. We have amazing graffiti in them, which we tell people is art because it’s way cheaper than cleaning them all the time.

Tourists actually come and photograph it. Alleys are not just for junkies and homeless people any more. Yay!

We have a real art gallery, but why go there when you can look at something a 14 year old private schoolboy has done while working through his Daddy issues?

Currency

The good news is Melbourne uses the Australian Dollar just like Sydney. AFL Player trading cards are also legal tender in Melbourne.

A Bryce Gibbs will get you a cup of coffee, while an original Ben Cousins rookie card is often set as a bail requirement.

Melbourne is known as being very expensive but you come from Sydney, where everything is exactly 9.8 per cent more expensive, so won’t notice.

Food

Melbourne has a thriving restaurant scene and you’ll be spoilt for choice.

Many restaurants in Melbourne have done away with bookings because convenience for customers is a secondary consideration. If you can book, book early, book often.

You’ll find Melburnians believe their food scene is superior to yours. Don’t be offended, they only do this because it is.

Melbourne Cricket Ground

The MCG is affectionately known as ‘The People’s Ground’. This is true if those people are the corporate elite.

During the game expect no phone coverage and long lines for food, drinks and the ATMs. Get cash before you go as it will be a nightmare there.

The MCG is near Jolimont station and Richmond station and a tram from the City will get you there.

It’s a ten to fifteen minute walk from the city too. Consider walking, it’s good for you apparently.

It is a great stadium and the crowd on Grand Final Day is amazing, so enjoy.

Nightlife

Melbourne has a wide range of places to be assaulted at night. It will remind you of home.

For convenience, Crown Casino has hired professional bouncers to assault you.

Melbourne’s lackadaisical alcohol laws mean getting a drink has never been easier.

From small bars hidden in alleys to the ‘my kids are locked in the car and this is my last $100’ glamour of the Casino, Melbourne has it all.

I believe you’re now following these legislative settings in your own city too. Best of luck.

While overall it’s a safe city, best to be in a group late at night.

Melbourne’s police, while fairly ineffectual in reducing inner city assaults, have recently changed their uniforms from blue to black. Focus on what you can change guys.

People

Melbourne has a diverse range of people, from hipsters in the inner north, the beautiful people in the inner south, rich people in the eastern suburbs, poor people in the west and whoever lives in those outer suburbs.

One thing binds all these people together, apart from a deep hatred of MYKI. AFL football.

Melburnians are as crazy for it as they say. Not supporting the AFL make you as popular as a terrorist sympathiser.

As a visiting AFL fan, you will be greeted with a great deal of affection.

While there’s been a lot made about Sydney having an ‘unfair advantage’ this season, people also hate Hawthorn, so it will even out.

And remember, that ‘unfair advantage’ is due to you using the money you are allowed to use. Damn your effectively run club!

So welcome to Melbourne, the gateway to Geelong and Sale. We hope you enjoy your stay.