With Docker fans descending on Melbourne this week for the Grand Final, here’s a helpful guide to the home of the world-famous Art Centre Spire.

Melbourne is a great city. Sure, if you traveled to Geelong a few weeks ago it will be a letdown but it has its own quaint charms.

The people are sporadically friendly, the food expensive and we welcome your mining money with open arms.

Climate

There’s a saying in Melbourne, ‘if you don’t like the weather wait five minutes.’ Of course there is no guarantee you’d like the next set of weather.

This week looks terrible with lots of rain. Lucky you’re not planning to spend hours outside watching sport.

The good news is the MCG bans umbrellas. Fun! I see a plastic poncho in your future.

Public Transport

Melbourne is well serviced by public transport. Not that Melbournians think that. They act like they’re living in a third world country.

Melbourne’s iconic trams are fun to ride on for literally minutes.

Taxis are ok but will be hard to get on Grand Final night. Whatever you do don’t wait in a taxi rank. You’ll be there till the end of time. A taxi driver will know less about Melbourne’s geography than you.

Go to the edge of the city and hail one.

Trains are frequent and work fairly well by international standards and there are lots of buses which Melbournians never use.

I personally recommend a chauffeur or as I call them ‘Mum.’

MYKI

MYKI is the worst thing ever invented in the history of time. Easily.

It is the ticketing system for Melbourne’s public transport system. It is complex and works poorly. The good news is it was astoundingly expensive to put in place.

There are no single trip passes because why would you want to make things easy for tourists?

You’ll have to buy a card and top it up. This should only take you six or seven days to complete on one of the dozens of inconveniently located machines.

Don’t worry, Metro’s helpful ticket inspectors will menace you accordingly.

Hating MYKI will make you feel like a real Melbournian.

Best bet is to go to Flinders Street station in the heart of the city and get them to sort you out there.

Culture

Melbournians are a cultured lot. We like coffee, cafés, cafes that serve coffee, cafes in alleyways and coffee.

We also have lots of alleys in Melbourne which are world famous apparently. We have amazing graffiti in them which we tell people is art because it’s way cheaper than cleaning them all the time.

Tourists actually come and photograph it. Alleys are not just for junkies and homeless people any more. Yay!

We have a real art gallery but why go there when you can look at something a 14 year old private schoolboy has done while working through his Daddy issues?

Currency

The good news is that your failure to secede from the Federation means you can use the same currency in Melbourne as you do at home.

I wouldn’t recommend bring raw iron ore as currency. Melbournians haven’t been near mining since the Gold Rush and don’t really like manual labour.

Melbourne is known as being very expensive but you come from Fremantle, which is also insanely expensive, so won’t notice. Unless you are an actual Docker which I’m thinking is unlikely given they don’t exist anymore.

Food

Melbourne has a thriving restaurant scene and you’ll be spoilt for choice. We even have a Little Creatures Dining Hall in Fitzroy. I doubt you have anything like that back in Fremantle.

Many restaurants in Melbourne have done away with bookings because convenience for the customer is a secondary consideration. If you can book early, book often.

Melbourne Cricket Ground

The MCG is affectionately known as ‘The People’s Ground’. This is true if those people are the corporate elite.

During the game expect no phone coverage and long lines for food, drinks and the ATMs. Get cash before you go as it will be a nightmare there.

The MCG is near Jolimont station and Richmond station and a tram from the City will get you there. It’s a ten to fifteen minute walk from the city too.

It is a great stadium and the crowd on Grand Final Day is amazing, so enjoy.

Nightlife

Melbourne has a wide range of places to be assaulted at night.

For convenience, Crown Casino has hired professional bouncers to assault you.

Melbourne’s lackadaisical alcohol laws mean getting a drink has never been easier. From small bars hidden in alleys to the ‘my kids are locked in the car and this is my last $100 glamour’ of the Casino, Melbourne has it all.

While overall’ a safe city, best to be in a group late at night. Melbourne’s police while fairly ineffectual at reducing inner city assaults have recently changed their uniforms from blue to black. Focus on what you can change guys.

People

Melbourne has a diverse range of people, from hipsters in the inner north, the beautiful people in the inner south, rich people in the eastern suburbs, poor people in the west and whoever lives in the outer suburbs.

One thing binds all these people together, apart from a deep hatred of MYKI. AFL football.

Melbournians are as crazy for it as they say. Not supporting AFL make you as popular as a terrorist sympathiser in the US.

As a visiting AFL fan, you will be greeted with a great deal of affection. This will also be boosted by the fact most Melbournians hate Hawthorn and will be supporting Freo.

So welcome to Melbourne, the gateway to Geelong. We hope you enjoy your stay.

Titus is also on Twitter which people tell him is part of a ‘the social media’. Follow him to be mildly amused every so often.