With the AFL finals in full swing, some of you will be watching footy despite having only a passing interest in it.

This will usually be in some form of social setting such as a badly organised BBQ or a very boozy day at the pub.

If footy isn’t your thing, fear not. Here is a guide on how to behave, what to say and what to avoid doing at all costs.

Rule #1: Always have a team

There actually should be a rule zero: don’t say you’re not a footy fan.

After all, no matter what the occasion, is there anything worse than someone telling you how much they hate it? Not the best strategy for making friends. It’s why I’ve said on more than one occasion, ‘Celine Dion is talented!’

AFL relies on you having a team. The level of support does not matter. You can never have seen them play. Even being into footy is pointless without a team.

Having a team means you can be stereotyped very quickly which I’ve written about before. This sets everyone at ease.

Here’s an example of how the mentality works. Two non-footy fans meet a footy fan:

Footy Fan: Who do you barrack for?

Non-footy Fan One: St Kilda. Although I’ve never watched a game and have zero interest in football.

Footy Fan: A Saints supporter hey? And what about you?

Non-footy Fan Two: I don’t have a team but I love footy and watch every game each week.

Footy Fan: I have no idea what to say to that.

Rule #2: Do not stand in front of the TV

This is a rule that gets broken every time people are invited around to the footy. What usually happens is a group of three to four people who have no interest in the footy will be talking in a circle.

They will then begin to inch across unawares, till they are standing in front of the TV. This will occur at the moment of most importance in the match.

The footy fans will then cry out, ‘Get out of the way of the telly!’

What happens next has been repeated time and again, over and over. The group will scurry out of the way with the majority being genuinely apologetic; one however will not.

This person will be the biggest non-football fan at the party and will say something like, “Gee, it’s just the bloody footy. It’s all you’ve been doing. I thought we were all catching up.”

My message is: don’t be this person. Everyone dislikes this person. They are more irritating than watching Q&A (and this person probably watches it).

Firstly, it was you who stood in front of the TV. People didn’t just yell at you to get out of the way of the telly while you were minding your own business on a park bench somewhere.

Secondly, you were invited around to watch the footy, which is the point of the day.

It’s like me being invited to your house for a dinner party but instead sitting down on the couch and watching the footy all night (I have had to fight myself not to do this many times).

Rule #3: Have strong opinions

The best thing about footy is the ability to have strong opinions based on pure emotion with very little facts. It’s like being a member of the Tea Party without the need to have dated you cousin.

Don’t know anything about footy? Who cares! That hasn’t stopped about 700 people making a living as footy journalists. If they got paid on how correct their opinions turned out to be they would have the finances of Fairfax.

The best way to have strong opinions without showing up your lack of knowledge is to simply hate certain players or teams. Here’s an example of a perfectly acceptable approach:

You: God I hate Hawthorn.

Footy Friend: Why.

You: I don’t know, they’ve just always annoyed me.

Footy Friend: Yeah me too.

Rule #4: Seek knowledge

Sure, knowledge is worth it for knowledge’s sake but you don’t actually care about football. It’s important though, as it’s the perfect shield for your lack of knowledge.

Every football fan thinks they could coach their team or know why someone is out of form. To avoid ever having to offer an opinion, just ask them what theirs is. Then just put your mind in neutral.

Here’s how it works:

Footy Fan: What do you reckon about Dawes?

You: Oh Dawes! Yeah! Do you like him?

Footy Fan: I just reckon he’s not fit, you know? He just doesn’t seem to have that ability to get to the contest he had last year. I’ve always had mixed feelings about him but he seemed to be coming good last year but then he just seemed to drop his bundle.

You: Why do you reckon that is?

Footy Fan: Probably the switch from Malthouse to Buckley. My cousin has a friend who knows a guy who works for the paper and he reckons Dawes and Buckley don’t get along but then my wife’s hairdresser knows the aunt of Chris Dawes’ landlord and she heard they do get along.

You: That’s amazing.

Footy Fan: Yeah. Hey did you see that goose that yelled at everyone after they stood in front of the TV? Lucky they replayed that mark twelve times afterwards.

Rule #5: Clichés

Apart from managers and consultants, nothing has more clichés than footy. This is to your advantage. Like managers and consultants, clichés enable you to appear to know what’s going on without having the foggiest idea.

A clear favourite for this time of year is to say at the start of the third quarter, ‘It’s the Premiership quarter.’ Footy fans believe this unquestioningly and will nod in approval.

The other clear favourite is, ‘That’s finals footy!’ It can be used in any context. After a tough tackle, a narrow loss, some one leaving the party crying because you yelled at them to get out of the way of the telly. It’s multi purpose and you should use it.

Yelling ‘ball’ whenever a player gets tackled is always a good one and saying, “We’re going for the seven point play,” after your ‘team’ kicks a point is a good one but only use it once.

Calling the umpire a ‘white maggot’ never hurt anyone either.

Rule #6: Barrack for and against someone

Resign yourself to the fact that everyone is going to be watching the footy. Pick a side to support for the game or better yet a team to barrack against.

Picking a side for the day is easy. You can choose to hate the team of the suburb your ex lives in or you can go for the team most people at the venue are supporting.

Another approach is to pick someone at the party you don’t like and choose the opposite side to them. Best not to do this last one if it’s your partner and you’re going through a tense period.

Finally:

Not being a footy fan should have no bearing on the fun you can have watching the footy if you follow these simple rules.

But if you’re really not into football, you should also consider not attending or getting really drunk or both.