Hi!

Haven’t heard from you in sometime so I thought I’d just drop you a line and see how you were.

Are you well? Still covering football? Like the AFL and stuff?

Everything’s going well over here. Still playing footy in the AFL, actually. We’re sixth on the ladder at the moment, which is pretty good. Got a few injuries though.

Bumped into the Eagles the other day at the shops and they said you guys keep in touch pretty regularly. That’s great. Really great, I guess.

Maybe next time we should all catch up? We live right near the Eagles so it makes sense. Maybe go to the beach or Little Creatures Brewery. Make a day of it.

Hey, remember when that Ross Lyon thing happened and we were talking for hours on end?

We just talked and talked for hours, like there wasn’t another club in the world.

I thought you were genuinely interested in me.

Sometimes I think about back then. Especially when I’m alone and it’s late at night.

It took me a long time to write this email because I didn’t want to come across as needy but it’s hard when I see you spending all that time with Collingwood, Carlton and Essendon.

What really upset me though was when GWS came along and you became all enamoured. Sure. I get it. They’re the new thing. They’re young.

I was the new thing once. But I guess I got old. Fast.

Where did I go wrong? It was the song wasn’t it? I knew you didn’t like it but I went ahead anyway. Who bases an anthem on the Song of the Volga Boatmen? I’msuch an idiot.

And the colours! Who does red, green and purple! I felt like a bad contestant on Project Runway and you were an unimpressed Heidi Klum.

I always do this. I try to stand out and it just backfires on me.

Like those two blow up anchors I have at home games. I know what you think they look like. Yet I still erect them every game.

I got rid of the red and green on the jumper. Just a very contemporary purple and white and still you don’t call.

Dammit. I told myself I wouldn’t get upset but it’s just so unfair. It’s like you don’t even know I exist.

Fine. I have been drinking. But I’m a great club. I’ve got 42,000 members, Matthew Pavlich and haven’t been caught up in a drug or tanking scandal.

That’s it, isn’t it? I’m not edgy enough for you.

Well, get stuffed then. The internet’s going to destroy you anyway.