Here’s the first draft of Ziggy Switkowski’s report into Essendon’s governance programs regarding supplements. Italics are Essendon Chairman David Evans’ feedback:

OMG. Wow.

Probably not a good start Ziggy. Could we add some words like ‘governance’ and ‘processes’. People really like them.

Quite simply, everyone was either asleep at the wheel, wilfully negligent or actively pushing supplements to gain a competitive advantage.

Yeah, I was more thinking something like, ‘The improvements in governance are straightforward, the Club has moved quickly, and some changes have already been implemented.’ Not trying to put words in your mouth or anything.

Junior footy clubs have more robust governance programs than the ones on display here. Seriously, WTF.

Again Zig, probably cut back a bit on abbreviations. This isn’t the Tweeter or whatever. I also wouldn’t agree that all junior footy clubs have better governance. There’d be a few out there that are pretty slack. You know, kids all hyped up on Whizz Fizz before a game.

It’s pretty clear quite a few people in the organisation were trying it on. I mean are people really going to be doing all this with no support from above? Yeah, right. And are we to believe the Board, Executive and Coach had no idea what was going on in the club? This isn’t Melbourne.

Do we really want to put this in the report? We’re trying to avoid saying exactly this aren’t we? I’d prefer if we said something about ‘a breakdown of processes’ or something ‘systemic’. Systemic sort of means nobody’s really at fault because it’s the whole system, right? Also, Melbourne seem to do a really convincing ‘we had no idea what’s going on.’ I really believe them.

Who starts cutting out doctors and instead listens to a bunch of blokes who are a bit too excited about going to the gym? What do you expect?

Great idea, let’s ignore the people who spent at least seven years studying and go with the guys who finished school in year ten.

Ok. This is a fair point. Perhaps though we tone this down a bit to just say that medical advice was sidelined but luckily prevailed in the end?

The Coach sent an email and expected it to be followed without checking up. Seriously? Who thinks emails are actually followed? Someone doing work experience? Actually, maybe that’s the answer.

Fair point. Keep it in.

Anyway, this is a grade A stuff up. Quite a few people will end up getting it in the neck. Shame really. The fans deserve a fair bit better. They trust clubs to be run properly and then they get this. Any sanctions just hurt them when they have no real say in all this.

We’ve kind of got the fans onside at the moment. You know, rallying round the club. Probably don’t want it pointed out that we really let them down. Let’s try to keep them in the denial phase of grief a bit longer. Really not keen on the anger phase.

As for the players and their families. Wow. Awkward. Good luck with those conversations.

Thanks Zig. Perhaps have another go at this. Comes off as a bit too accurate.