Jul 25, 2013

AFL

Exclusive! New! Surprising! Revelations About the Essendon Drug Scandal

After a night of heavy drinking at my local, I can now EXCLUSIVELY reveal new information about the ASADA investigation into the Essendon Football Club.

These revelations come from reliable sources such as ‘Daz’ in the front bar and some guy playing the pokies whose name I’ve forgotten.

All these ‘EXCLUSIVES’ are exclusively exclusive. Did I mention they are exclusive?

I can now reveal the following:

  • When James Hird first heard of the ACC report he was battling a head cold and was heavily using Sudafed. Not the good Sudafed but the one that does nothing because the good one helps you make ecstasy or something
  • Andrew Demetriou refuses to answer questions because his legal team advises him not to and because it would be completely inappropriate. He also thinks it’s fun to irritate journalists.
  • When Andrew Demetriou rang David Evans on the eve of Essendon self-reporting, he began by asking Evans how he was and inquired as to the health of his family. It is not known if Evans responded in kind however sources close to the Bombers say it is highly likely
  • At the meeting between the AFL and ASADA, where an agreement was hammered out, ASADA CEO Aurora Andruska asked Demetriou if he had seen the ‘Gangnam Style’ video clip that someone had recently shown her. After several attempts to get it to play on her iPhone, Andrew said ‘we should probably get on with the meeting.’ It is unknown if Demetriou has since seen the clip.
  • The investigators at ASADA are working as fast as they can, often working past five and regularly skipping their third tea break.
  • Stephen Dank really, really enjoys doing media
  • Staff at WADA, ASADA and the ACC are now really good at rattling off ‘AOD-9604’ without checking notes
  • More Victorians know what AOD-9604 is than who is Premier
  • ASADA investigators wanted to ask James Hird for his autograph during the interview but thought it would look bad. It was lucky they didn’t because James was not in an ‘autographing’ mood according to someone with no knowledge of the interview.
  • Lawyers working for ASADA, ACC, WADA, AFL and Essendon Football Club are all thrilled with the amount of billable hours involved and hope it continues on for ‘some time’. They often ‘high-five’ each other in the corridor. Several have bought new beach houses.
  • James Hird is starting to suspect Caroline Wilson may not want him to remain as Essendon Coach
  • Mark Robinson is still trying to figure out what Gerard Whateley was talking about on AFL 360 when he laid out the legality of AOD-9604
  • A lot of the confusion surrounding AOD-9604 stems from the fact that the confusion is highly convenient

As you can see, these exclusive revelations mean someone has something to answer for. It is now vital everyone resigns. That includes you.

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