While there are many confused explanations of what are the next procedural steps in the Essendon supplements saga, here is what will really happen following show cause letters being served on players.

More Leaking

Nothing is more certain in life than death, taxes and leaks from this ASADA investigation.

I’m not even saying it’s ASADA leaking. By my count it’s pretty much everyone involved. Why?

Because football is full of the massive gossips.

Add Canberra bureaucrats, the media and politicians and you have the most indiscreet group of people assembled in the history of time.

I would prefer to post my deepest secrets on Twitter than trust these people.

People saying ‘it’s inappropriate to comment’

Nothing is better than legal proceedings. It gives you the opportunity to not comment, as you wouldn’t possibly want to prejudice the important proceedings on foot.

The best thing is it’s sort of true. I make sure I always have a few legal cases against me occurring at any time. It get’s me out of small talk with work colleagues and family.

More Open Letters

You know they’re coming, like you know Christmas and another Underbelly series is coming.

Paul Little has had a room full of monkeys writing open letters for eight months now.

They have covered almost every possible scenario, including the one where James Hird ascends to heaven on a beam of light.

A lot of lawyers

Never has there been a better time to be a lawyer. The arrival of show cause letters takes care of another year of private school fees for so many of society’s most needy, senior legal partners.

Tania Hird to hold impromptu media interview

Waiting for the moment her preferred journalist is out front; Tania Hird (who is a lawyer herself) will conduct a spontaneous media conference.

She’ll surprise everyone by defending her husband and slamming the AFL.

Delays

Oh they’ll be delays. There are so, so many more to come.

There will be people playing AFL football before this is over, who weren’t alive when the investigation started.

Essendon fans to react

They're going to react but now we know how.

They’ll say they’re ‘so over this’ then they’ll go and buy five more memberships and make the pilgrimage to France to see where James Hird took a Quantitative Management exam.

James Hird to return in a golden chariot

Defying physics, James Hird will cross the oceans on a golden chariot.

As soon as he touches Australian soil, everything will be fixed and this will all have been a bad dream never to be spoken of again, like Melbourne’s doping program.