Should the fact I’ve never watched any of these players play and have no idea about judging AFL talent stop me writing a preview of the AFL draft?

Absolutely.

None of this stopped Robert Walls writing one though, so here goes anyway.

1. Greater Western Sydney
TOM BOYD
200cm, 103kg
Club: Eastern Ranges

Tom Boyd is amazing at playing football. He is probably better than you or I at it.

He can do the kicking, the marking and that other stuff.

Tom’s mum thinks living in Western Sydney will be dangerous as it sits outside the ‘Green Zone.’

Tom points out that term refers to Baghdad but his Mum says, ‘I listen to Eddie McGuire, I know what I’m talking about.’

2. Greater Western Sydney
JOSH KELLY
183cm, 75kg
Club: Sandringham Dragons

Josh is a left-footer, which means he should always be treated with a level of suspicion and would be bad luck on a sailing vessel.

Is he excited about going to GWS? Of course not.

Josh used to think playing with Buddy would be interesting but now he’ll just get Heath Shaw yelling at him when Heath stuffs up.

3. St Kilda
JACK BILLINGS
184cm, 78kg
Club: Oakleigh Chargers

Jack had a very bright career as a footballer ahead of him.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always go to plan and he’s off to St Kilda.

4. Western Bulldogs
JAMES AISH
184cm, 75kg
Club: Norwood

James says he’s excited to be coached by Brendan McCartney for part of next season and can’t wait to meet the new coach after that, as long as it’s ‘not Terry Wallace.’

5. Gold Coast
KADE KOLODJASHNIJ
190cm, 81kg
Club: Launceston

Kade is a massive One Direction fan. He’ll deny it if you ask him and will proceed to lock himself in his room for a few hours until you leave.

He’s thrilled to be going to the Gold Coast because he gets to play with Gary Ablett and importantly, it’s not Tasmania.

6. Collingwood
MARCUS BONTEMPELLI
192cm, 83kg
Club: Northern Knights

Marcus is Nick Dal Santo’s cousin and there are many similarities except Marcus has a personality.

7. Brisbane
MATT SCHARENBERG
190cm, 87kg
Club: Glenelg

Matt is thrilled to be going to a club as financially stable as Brisbane.

He says Lions fans can relax as he is in no danger of becoming homesick because he’s from Adelaide.

8. North Melbourne (Father-son)
LUKE MCDONALD
188cm 85kg
Club: Werribee

Being a Father-son pick, Luke has already met with Senior Coach Brad Scott. He said he was very impressive but not as impressive as his brother Chris who he has also met.

Going to North fills Luke’s father’s dream but crushes his, which is to dance professionally on Broadway.

9. Melbourne
NATHAN FREEMAN
182cm, 85kg
Club: Sandringham Dragons

A damaging midfielder, Nathan is thrilled to be going to a club with such a great track record of developing young players.

When asked about the chance of being drafted by Melbourne, Nathan said, ‘to be honest, if Roos hadn’t gone there I’d have quit football and just wasted my life being a surgeon.’

10. Collingwood
BEN LENNON
188cm, 77kg
Club: Northern Knights

Projected by some to fill the void left by Heath Shaw. I read that to mean yelling at Nick Maxwell and asking family members to place bets.

11. West Coast
DOM SHEED
184cm, 83kg
Club: Subiaco

A hometown boy, West Coast hope their decision to trade pick six to Collingwood won’t see them miss out on Dom.

When the Eagles were asked why they traded pick 6 for picks 11 and 26 when they were so keen on Sheed, they said, ‘We forgot the draft counted up.’

12. Richmond
CHRISTIAN SALEM
183cm, 81kg
Club: Sandringham Dragons

A real character. When I told him I was writing this piece, he said he didn’t know who I was or how I got into his house but that he had already called the police.

Hilarious joke but he didn’t need to keep it going with all the charges.

13. Carlton
CAMERON MCCARTHY
193cm, 85kg
Club: South Fremantle

A key forward who can’t wait to play finals next year pending another team being stripped of its Premiership points.

Most admired player is Wayne Carey, ‘not so much for what he did on the field but what he did off it.’

14. Greater Western Sydney
DARCY GARDINER
192cm, 85kG
Club: Geelong Falcons
Darcy faces a busy year in 2014. Due to complex preference sharing deals, he’s was accidentally elected to the Senate despite not even being nominated.

He plans to united all parties by ‘Stopping the Boats’ using ‘a price on carbon.’

15. Sydney
MATT CROUCH
183cm, 80kg
Club: North Ballarat

Matt can’t wait to get to Sydney and he expects to fit right in given its similarities to North Ballarat.

He is the brother of Adelaide’s Brad Crouch.

I asked him if he was also related to the English footballer Peter Crouch and he said that was the dumbest question anyone had ever asked him and that I’d better stop touching him.

16. Geelong
ZAK JONES
181cm, 76kg
Club: Dandenong Stingrays

The first time I met Zak he said he’d never seen a Stingray the entire time he played at Dandenong.

I said he might have better luck seeing a cat in Geelong.

He responded by saying he hoped he never got traded to GWS because seeing a Giant would scare him.

He then insisted I kept reading to him until he fell asleep. ‘Light on! Light on!’ He would occasionally scream.

17. Fremantle
LEWIS TAYLOR
173cm, 73kg
Geelong Falcons

Lewis is excited about going to Fremantle after playing in Geelong due to the similarities between the two cities. ‘Both have a surfing culture and neither have a car industry.’

18. St Kilda
BILLY HARTUNG
177cm, 75kg
Club: Dandenong Stingrays

His draft profile says ‘Billy boasts elite foot skills.’

And it’s true. It’s the first thing he’ll tell you upon meeting him. ‘I have elite foot skills.’ Weird right?

19. St Kilda
BLAKE ACRES
190cm 80kg
Club: West Perth

Blake said in a rare display of honesty that he was nervous about going to a club with a reputation like St Kilda’s.

Then he heard Dermott Brereton slamming the Saints and said he’s now really positive about it.

20. Gold Coast
LUKE DUNSTAN
185cm, 83kg
Club: Woodville West Torrens

Luke says leaving South Australia will be hard. ‘We’ve got the Central Market and…..well, lots of stuff at the Central Market too. Going to be hard to find stuff to do on the Gold Coast.’

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