I like to prepare for writing a draft preview by never seeing any of the players in a single game and then forming incredibly strong opinions about their future success.
In that regard, I guess I don’t differ from most people writing these previews.
PICK 1: ESSENDON — ANDREW McGRATH
Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro
Position: Half back/Midfield
Size: 179cm, 75kg
The Bombers will be thrilled if McGrath is still available at pick 1.
He looked really impressive in the two-minute YouTube video I watched of him.
McGrath was born in Canada before moving here when he was five. Typical, immigrants coming here and taking our jobs.
PICK 2: GWS GIANTS — BEN AINSWORTH
Clubs: Gippsland/Vic Country
Position: Forward/Midfield
Size: 179cm, 74kg
Good to see the Giants getting an early draft pick, although having to wait until pick two shows it’s getting tougher for them.
Ainsworth said he couldn’t be more excited to win a premiership in his first year and was thrilled to get a call from AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick saying how excited he was that he’d be playing for them next season.
PICK 3: BRISBANE — HUGH McCLUGGAGE
Clubs: North Ballarat/Vic Country
Position: Midfield
Size: 185cm, 75kg
McCluggage can do it all. Tango, Foxtrot, Swing, Ballroom, Salsa, Hip Hop, Crunk, Hand Jive, Cha Cha, Chicago Stepping, Viennese Waltz, Skanking, B-boying, Popping and Interpretive.
He is also very good at football.
PICK 4: GOLD COAST — TIM TARANTO
Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro
Position: Midfield/Forward
Size: 186cm, 82kg
Taranto has a big question mark over him, pace. As West Coast’s Sam Mitchell has shown, being a bit slow can have a huge impact on your career.
When asked if he was excited to play for Rodney Eade, Taranto said he couldn’t wait to join Gary Ablett, in Geelong.
PICK 5: GWS GIANTS ACADEMY SELECTION — WILL SETTERFIELD
Clubs: Sandringham/NSW-ACT
Position: Midfield
Size: 190cm, 80kg
Finally, the Giants get another go. Setterfield has impressed everyone with his ability to kick, mark, handball, you know, all the things footballers need to be able to do.
Will said he was thrilled to join GWS and plans to ignore any advice on sleeping arrangements they give him.
The Giants have advised him to have a girlfriend to blame things on.
PICK 6: CARLTON — SAM PETREVSKI-SETON
Clubs: Claremont/Western Australia
Position: Midfield
Size: 181cm, 76kg
Fast and tough. So tough in fact, that he once got through Field of Dreams without crying, even during the bit when Kevin Costner plays catch with his dad.
That’s tough. Or he’s a psychopath who can’t experience normal human emotions.
Either way, perfect traits for an AFL player.
PICK 7: GOLD COAST — TIM ENGLISH
Clubs: South Fremantle/Western Australia
Position: Ruck
Size: 203cm, 86kg
Don’t let the surname fool you, English is a competent sportsman.
English has impressed many with his tallness. Being a very tall man not only means he can play ruck but he is also qualified to be a CEO of an ASX200 company.
PICK 8: FREMANTLE — GRIFFIN LOGUE
Clubs: Swan Districts/Western Australia
Position: Key defender
Size: 193cm, 92kg
Being from Western Australia means you’ve got a good chance to be drafted by one of the WA teams. Unfortunately for Logue, that team is Fremantle. Oh well, you can’t win them all, just ask Dockers fans.
Despite popular opinion, Griffin Logue is not a character from a Jack Reacher novel.
PICK 9: GOLD COAST — JACK SCRIMSHAW
Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro
Position: Half back
Size: 193cm, 80kg
The Suns third pick in the top ten. Let’s call this the ‘Good Money after Bad’ draft then.
It will be interesting to see how ineptly the Gold Coast can manage their second silver platter opportunity to become a competent AFL side.
Scrimshaw said he has been watching all the Police Academy movies to get a feel for what life is like at the Suns.
PICK 10: GOLD COAST ACADEMY SELECTION — JACK BOWES
Clubs: Surfers Paradise/Queensland
Position: Midfield
Size: 187cm, 78kg
Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Another top ten pick to the Suns?
Won’t somebody think of these poor kids? Surely rookie contracts should have a ‘You can’t make me play for Rodney Eade’ clause in them? Where are you on this AFLPA?
PICK 11: SYDNEY — JY SIMPKIN
Clubs: Murray/Vic Country
Position: Half forward/Midfield
Size: 181cm, 71kg
JY? Parents aren’t even trying these days. In my day, we had simple names.
Duncan, Bruce, Robert, Titus.
Simpkin is off to the Swans, so he better get used to being hated by Victorians and expensive coffees.
PICK 12: GWS GIANTS ACADEMY SELECTION — HARRY PERRYMAN
Clubs: Collingullie-GP/NSW-ACT
Position: Half forward/Half back
Size: 184cm, 75kg
Harry, a good solid name. No one’s asking him how you pronounce it.
Perryman can play half forward or half back. That means people will refer to him as a ‘swingman’. Unfortunately, anyone the media has referred to as a swingman, usually can’t play in several positions.
PICK 13: NORTH MELBOURNE — OLIVER FLORENT
Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro
Position: Midfield/Half forward
Size: 183cm, 74kg
Florent impressed everyone at the combine with his punctuality and ability to form full sentences, often combining several multi-syllable words. Basically, he stood out like a sore thumb.
Oliver said he feels honoured to play in Brad Scott’s final season as coach.
PICK 14: WEST COAST — JORDAN GALLUCCI
Clubs: Eastern/Vic Metro
Position: Midfield/Half forward
Size: 183cm, 75kg
Galluci is a player who can impact stoppages, often positively.
Asked if he’s worried about being homesick in Perth, Jordan said he wasn’t as he is an adult male, not a nine-year-old on school camp.
PICK 15: ADELAIDE — WILL BRODIE
Clubs: Murray/Vic Country
Position: Midfield
Size: 189cm, 82kg
You’ll often find Brodie on the bottom of a pack, usually in an attempt to get the football.
Brodie is excited about Adelaide’s improving midfield group, strong forward line and questionable electricity infrastructure.
PICK 16: PORT ADELAIDE — WILL HAYWARD
Clubs: North Adelaide/South Australia
Position: Forward
Size: 186cm, 76kg
Fluent in Mandarin and Cantonese, Hayward is the perfect pick for the Power.
Hayward plays forward and has terrific hands. The best hands. A lot of people are talking about these hands. They’re just tremendous. A good size too, not small at all.
PICK 17: BRISBANE — DANIEL VENABLES
Clubs: Western/Vic Metro
Position: Half forward/Midfield
Size: 186cm, 83kg
Quite a few injuries for Venables, so going to Brisbane will be perfect, he can take it easy.
Who knows what Venables’ ceiling could be if he stays healthy? I don’t, I just wanted to use ceiling in my draft preview because everyone else does.
PICK 18: PORT ADELAIDE — JARROD BERRY
Clubs: North Ballarat/Vic Country
Position: Half back/Midfield
Size: 191cm, 80kg
Berry impressed everyone at the combine, especially with his endurance which is elite. ‘Elite’ is another word you must put in every draft preview.
It should be used more in everyday life. Try it at work.
“Barry, your photocopying is elite.”
“Thanks Jy, am I pronouncing that right?”
PICK 19: WESTERN BULLDOGS — TODD MARSHALL
Clubs: Murray/NSW-ACT
Position: Key forward
Size: 198cm, 87kg
Marshall joins a team looking to break its really, really short premiership drought.
They haven’t won one in months.
COMMENTS
Mistere
Nov 23, 2016
Hey Ed...He would have but it didn't get loaded on to the McAeroplane to arrive at the McAiport so he's waiting at Hungry Jacks for a couple of hours for it to McTurnip.
Stuart
Nov 23, 2016
A Trump reference to the size of Hayward's hands? Brilliant!
Ad
Nov 23, 2016
Preview on Hawks pick 88? 27 year old chemical plant worker turned Norm Smith medalist
Antonius
Nov 23, 2016
Brilliant!
Michael
Nov 23, 2016
Best effort at taking the piss since the Senate
Pancho Pete
Nov 23, 2016
Will Dennis Cometti consider a comeback when he finds out there's a bloke with a brilliant name like Hugh McCluggage about to enter AFL ranks?
Ed
Nov 23, 2016
Someone has to say it... McLuggage may well have some baggage
Duncan-Bruce Robert
Nov 23, 2016
Are you sure expensive coffees are hateful to Sydney players? Seems out of character to the expensive coffees I've had. Usually they like to target the Adelaide ones.
Tassie_JR
Nov 23, 2016
Titus, very clever and well thought out analysis, would be even funnier if they all came true.
Tiger Man
Nov 23, 2016
The Richmond Football club must obviously use Titus O'Reilly's in depth analysis for our selections past 10 years. Has served them well.
Graham
Nov 23, 2016
G'day Bruce, sorry, mate, JY.
Annonamys
Oct 20, 2018
Is Oliver Flornt moving to North Melbourne and Will to Port ??