Nov 23, 2016

AFL

Easily the Worst AFL Draft Preview Ever

12 Comments

I like to prepare for writing a draft preview by never seeing any of the players in a single game and then forming incredibly strong opinions about their future success.

In that regard, I guess I don’t differ from most people writing these previews.

PICK 1: ESSENDON — ANDREW McGRATH

Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro

Position: Half back/Midfield

Size: 179cm, 75kg

The Bombers will be thrilled if McGrath is still available at pick 1.

He looked really impressive in the two-minute YouTube video I watched of him.

McGrath was born in Canada before moving here when he was five. Typical, immigrants coming here and taking our jobs.

PICK 2: GWS GIANTS — BEN AINSWORTH

Clubs: Gippsland/Vic Country

Position: Forward/Midfield

Size: 179cm, 74kg

Good to see the Giants getting an early draft pick, although having to wait until pick two shows it’s getting tougher for them.

Ainsworth said he couldn’t be more excited to win a premiership in his first year and was thrilled to get a call from AFL Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick saying how excited he was that he’d be playing for them next season.

PICK 3: BRISBANE — HUGH McCLUGGAGE

Clubs: North Ballarat/Vic Country

Position: Midfield

Size: 185cm, 75kg

McCluggage can do it all. Tango, Foxtrot, Swing, Ballroom, Salsa, Hip Hop, Crunk, Hand Jive, Cha Cha, Chicago Stepping, Viennese Waltz, Skanking, B-boying, Popping and Interpretive.

He is also very good at football.

PICK 4: GOLD COAST — TIM TARANTO

Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro

Position: Midfield/Forward

Size: 186cm, 82kg

Taranto has a big question mark over him, pace. As West Coast’s Sam Mitchell has shown, being a bit slow can have a huge impact on your career.

When asked if he was excited to play for Rodney Eade, Taranto said he couldn’t wait to join Gary Ablett, in Geelong.

PICK 5: GWS GIANTS ACADEMY SELECTION — WILL SETTERFIELD

Clubs: Sandringham/NSW-ACT

Position: Midfield

Size: 190cm, 80kg

Finally, the Giants get another go. Setterfield has impressed everyone with his ability to kick, mark, handball, you know, all the things footballers need to be able to do.

Will said he was thrilled to join GWS and plans to ignore any advice on sleeping arrangements they give him.

The Giants have advised him to have a girlfriend to blame things on.

PICK 6: CARLTON — SAM PETREVSKI-SETON

Clubs: Claremont/Western Australia

Position: Midfield

Size: 181cm, 76kg

Fast and tough. So tough in fact, that he once got through Field of Dreams without crying, even during the bit when Kevin Costner plays catch with his dad.

That’s tough. Or he’s a psychopath who can’t experience normal human emotions.

Either way, perfect traits for an AFL player.

PICK 7: GOLD COAST — TIM ENGLISH

Clubs: South Fremantle/Western Australia

Position: Ruck

Size: 203cm, 86kg

Don’t let the surname fool you, English is a competent sportsman.

English has impressed many with his tallness. Being a very tall man not only means he can play ruck but he is also qualified to be a CEO of an ASX200 company.

PICK 8: FREMANTLE — GRIFFIN LOGUE

Clubs: Swan Districts/Western Australia

Position: Key defender

Size: 193cm, 92kg

Being from Western Australia means you’ve got a good chance to be drafted by one of the WA teams. Unfortunately for Logue, that team is Fremantle. Oh well, you can’t win them all, just ask Dockers fans.

Despite popular opinion, Griffin Logue is not a character from a Jack Reacher novel.

PICK 9: GOLD COAST — JACK SCRIMSHAW

Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro

Position: Half back

Size: 193cm, 80kg

The Suns third pick in the top ten. Let’s call this the ‘Good Money after Bad’ draft then.

It will be interesting to see how ineptly the Gold Coast can manage their second silver platter opportunity to become a competent AFL side.

Scrimshaw said he has been watching all the Police Academy movies to get a feel for what life is like at the Suns.

PICK 10: GOLD COAST ACADEMY SELECTION — JACK BOWES

Clubs: Surfers Paradise/Queensland

Position: Midfield

Size: 187cm, 78kg

Ok, this is getting ridiculous. Another top ten pick to the Suns?

Won’t somebody think of these poor kids? Surely rookie contracts should have a ‘You can’t make me play for Rodney Eade’ clause in them? Where are you on this AFLPA?

PICK 11: SYDNEY — JY SIMPKIN

Clubs: Murray/Vic Country

Position: Half forward/Midfield

Size: 181cm, 71kg

JY? Parents aren’t even trying these days. In my day, we had simple names.

Duncan, Bruce, Robert, Titus.

Simpkin is off to the Swans, so he better get used to being hated by Victorians and expensive coffees.

PICK 12: GWS GIANTS ACADEMY SELECTION — HARRY PERRYMAN

Clubs: Collingullie-GP/NSW-ACT

Position: Half forward/Half back

Size: 184cm, 75kg

Harry, a good solid name. No one’s asking him how you pronounce it.

Perryman can play half forward or half back. That means people will refer to him as a ‘swingman’. Unfortunately, anyone the media has referred to as a swingman, usually can’t play in several positions.

PICK 13: NORTH MELBOURNE — OLIVER FLORENT

Clubs: Sandringham/Vic Metro

Position: Midfield/Half forward

Size: 183cm, 74kg

Florent impressed everyone at the combine with his punctuality and ability to form full sentences, often combining several multi-syllable words. Basically, he stood out like a sore thumb.

Oliver said he feels honoured to play in Brad Scott’s final season as coach.

PICK 14: WEST COAST — JORDAN GALLUCCI

Clubs: Eastern/Vic Metro

Position: Midfield/Half forward

Size: 183cm, 75kg

Galluci is a player who can impact stoppages, often positively.

Asked if he’s worried about being homesick in Perth, Jordan said he wasn’t as he is an adult male, not a nine-year-old on school camp.

PICK 15: ADELAIDE — WILL BRODIE

Clubs: Murray/Vic Country

Position: Midfield

Size: 189cm, 82kg

You’ll often find Brodie on the bottom of a pack, usually in an attempt to get the football.

Brodie is excited about Adelaide’s improving midfield group, strong forward line and questionable electricity infrastructure.

PICK 16: PORT ADELAIDE — WILL HAYWARD

Clubs: North Adelaide/South Australia

Position: Forward

Size: 186cm, 76kg

Fluent in Mandarin and Cantonese, Hayward is the perfect pick for the Power.

Hayward plays forward and has terrific hands. The best hands. A lot of people are talking about these hands. They’re just tremendous. A good size too, not small at all.

PICK 17: BRISBANE — DANIEL VENABLES

Clubs: Western/Vic Metro

Position: Half forward/Midfield

Size: 186cm, 83kg

Quite a few injuries for Venables, so going to Brisbane will be perfect, he can take it easy.

Who knows what Venables’ ceiling could be if he stays healthy? I don’t, I just wanted to use ceiling in my draft preview because everyone else does.

PICK 18: PORT ADELAIDE — JARROD BERRY

Clubs: North Ballarat/Vic Country

Position: Half back/Midfield

Size: 191cm, 80kg

Berry impressed everyone at the combine, especially with his endurance which is elite. ‘Elite’ is another word you must put in every draft preview.

It should be used more in everyday life. Try it at work.

“Barry, your photocopying is elite.”

“Thanks Jy, am I pronouncing that right?”

PICK 19: WESTERN BULLDOGS — TODD MARSHALL

Clubs: Murray/NSW-ACT

Position: Key forward

Size: 198cm, 87kg

Marshall joins a team looking to break its really, really short premiership drought.

They haven’t won one in months.

COMMENTS

Mistere

Nov 23, 2016

Hey Ed...He would have but it didn't get loaded on to the McAeroplane to arrive at the McAiport so he's waiting at Hungry Jacks for a couple of hours for it to McTurnip.

Stuart

Nov 23, 2016

A Trump reference to the size of Hayward's hands? Brilliant!

Ad

Nov 23, 2016

Preview on Hawks pick 88? 27 year old chemical plant worker turned Norm Smith medalist

Antonius

Nov 23, 2016

Brilliant!

Michael

Nov 23, 2016

Best effort at taking the piss since the Senate

Pancho Pete

Nov 23, 2016

Will Dennis Cometti consider a comeback when he finds out there's a bloke with a brilliant name like Hugh McCluggage about to enter AFL ranks?

Ed

Nov 23, 2016

Someone has to say it... McLuggage may well have some baggage

Duncan-Bruce Robert

Nov 23, 2016

Are you sure expensive coffees are hateful to Sydney players? Seems out of character to the expensive coffees I've had. Usually they like to target the Adelaide ones.

Tassie_JR

Nov 23, 2016

Titus, very clever and well thought out analysis, would be even funnier if they all came true.

Tiger Man

Nov 23, 2016

The Richmond Football club must obviously use Titus O'Reilly's in depth analysis for our selections past 10 years. Has served them well.

Graham

Nov 23, 2016

G'day Bruce, sorry, mate, JY.

Annonamys

Oct 20, 2018

Is Oliver Flornt moving to North Melbourne and Will to Port ??