In light of Alastair Clarkson’s recent comments calling for higher standards before a person can become a senior coach, I can reveal a draft coaching curriculum being considered by the AFL.

AFL00001 An Introduction to Whiteboard Use

This course teaches the basics of using magnets and markers in a dynamic environment. Learn to avoid mistakes such as ‘accidentally using a permanent marker’ while gaining skills such as ‘drawing different styles of arrows.’

AFL00002 Post-Match Media Conferences

An essential course for any potential AFL coach, you will learn how to answer repetitive and banal questions from people who could barely play football, let alone coach an entire team.

Learn how to belittle journalists, make the occasionally joke that makes you seem down-to-earth and give off a vibe of not wanting to be there.

AFL00003 Ranting and Raving Constructively

Yelling and screaming is vital to coaching. Learn how to yell at people in a constructive way. This course helps you find your own ‘yelling style’ and will give you the confidence to carry on like a toddler in front of other adults.

You’ll learn how to look good screaming at players in the huddle at three quarter time when your team is being absolutely smashed.

AFL00004 Commanding Respect in Tracksuit Pants

No matter what, there are a lot of tracksuit pants in your future. For most adults, wearing tracksuit pants outside, let alone at work, makes people think you are unemployed or heading that way.

This course will teach you how to command the respect of others while dressed in leisure wear.

Learn the trick of making others at work wear ‘Skins’ so you by contrast look like a statesman.

AFL00005 Pretending to Care about Sponsors

As a senior coach, you will have to glad handle a bunch of people who have paid a significant amount of money for the expensive thrill of briefly meeting you.

This course teaches you to hide your disdain for these people and mange to come across as a normal person for short periods of time.

AFL00006 Understanding People more than 20 Years Younger

Who understand young people these days? Turns out you need to and let’s face it, you are old.

This course teaches you the values of the younger generation like laziness, sleeping in and ‘night clubbing’.

Learn what a ‘Grand Theft Auto 5’ is and become familiar with a whole new generation of swimsuit models.

AFL00007 Developing a Coaches Box Personality

Nothing will define you more (except winning and losing) than how you look in the coaches’ box when the camera cuts to you at key moments.

This course will help you determine if you’re the yelling type, the punching walls type, the eating a sandwich type or the pacing the sideline punching the players’ shelter type.

AFL00008 Being Sacked

You’re going to get sacked. It’s probably due to you being a terrible coach but it could also be you’ve just been somewhere for too long.

This course teaches you to appear like you were blindsided by the Board and CEO, set up to fail from the start and that you’d been white anted internally for years.

AFL00009 Transitioning to a Media Career

Luckily for you, after being sacked, a role in the media beckons. Can’t write or speak to save yourself? That’s never stopped anyone.

This course teaches you to present yourself as an expert, even if you failed dismally as a senior coach. You’ll learn how to produce engaging content across multiple platforms, all undermining your previous employer and settling long held grudges.