Following a tough start to the season, Damien Hardwick addresses the entire playing group. Here’s an exclusive transcript.

Damien Hardwick: Right guys, I don’t think I need to tell you that we’re in a world of pain at the moment.

Troy Chaplin: Coach, Matthew Lloyd said Brisbane is in a world of pain. Are we in the same world of pain their in?

Jake King: Maybe we’re in a house of pain.

Chaplin: Is the house of pain in the world of pain?

Hardwick: Guys, just stop talking.

Now today, Jack here, lifted his little media ban to say we were trying to emulate Hawthorn’s game plan. Did anyone else think that’s what we’re doing?

What, no one wants to answer me?

Bachar Houli: I think a lot of the guys are stuck on the word ‘emulate’ there coach.

Hardwick: Jack, why did you think we we’re trying to follow Hawthorn’s game plan.

Jack Riewoldt: At the start of the year when you handed everyone the game plan that’s what it said. I’ve got it right here.

Hardwick: Jack that’s an AFL colouring-in book I gave you on a bus trip back from a pre-season game. I gave it to you so you’d stop kicking the back of my seat.

Dustin Martin: We may have found the problem here Dimma. I thought the same when you gave me the ancient Chinese military treatise ‘The Art of War’ by Sun Tzu.

Trent Cotchin: Coach that seems to be working. Dusty’s been playing pretty well.

Hardwick: Trent, surely you didn’t make the same mistake.

Cotchin: I’m a bit embarrassed to say I did. I’ve really been struggling to work out how Gabriel García Márquez’s ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ relates to how we set up at stoppages.

Hardwick: This is a train wreck. I can’t believe you all thought those different books were the game plan. I was trying to better you all as people, expand your horizons.

Alex Rance: Why would you go and do something like that. You should have known it would only confuse us.

King: He’s right,I did think giving me ‘Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance’ sent mixed messages.

Hardwick: Right, well this stops immediately. I’m going to hand out the real game plan again and we’re going to follow that.

Shaun Hampson: Is it OK if Megs keeps reads me the Harry Potter books? We’re up to the fourth book and I’m really into it, even if I do get scared at times.

Hardwick: This meeting is over.