Collingwood has confirmed they are currently in full retreat from the high moral ground.
Onlookers have reported the retreat as ‘chaotic,’ ‘panicked’ and ‘pretty funny.’
CEO Gary Pert said the club had removed almost all its assets from the high moral ground, after Josh Thomas and Lachie Keeffe tested positive to a prohibited substance.
“Currently we only have Eddie McGuire and his high horse up there. He’s proving quite difficult to get down.”
“I’m trying to coax him down with a media appearance.
“We’re obviously very disappointed to give up the lofty views and the sense of superiority which come with the high moral ground bur we've found a nice spot between Fremantle and St Kilda.”
Director of Football Neil Balme assured supporters that this was just a tactical retreat and the club would quickly regain its inflated sense of importance.
“It’s not like we’re Essendon and ran a whole program. We just had two positives tests, which come to think of it, they didn’t have.”
Long time Collingwood fan ‘Dave’ said he was devastated by the news.
“My mate’s a Bombers fan and I’ve been absolutely giving it to him for a couple of years now.”
“Really mean stuff actually. A lot of it’s been pretty personal.
“It’s going to come back on me so badly. These players have really let me down.”
Former Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse described the retreat as ‘the best thing that’s ever happened’ and ‘proof karma exists.’
COMMENTS
Anthony
Mar 30, 2015
Waiting for Eddie to drop the old Chen excuse of 'possibly from contaminated meat' tonight...
Cami
Mar 30, 2015
One of your best.
Pancho Wolbot
Mar 30, 2015
Somehow, this will end up being Sydney's fault...
Brian
Mar 30, 2015
Of course it's bloody Sydney's fault, if their academy wasn't so bloody full developing good quality well disciplined young footy players there might have been room for the Collingwood boys to have been part of their programme. But no Eddie didn't want them to join the programme he wanted the programme stopped so these quality young men could not become Sydney future Alfalfa eating champions. Never heard of a positive test to alfalfa only ever heard negative reports.
Captain FatNavel
Mar 30, 2015
Scientists acting for the Collingwood Fact Obfuscation Society today announced that they believe the two named players slept in a clenbuterol-infected barn during one of the planned exercises in the training camp.
"The players are believed to have bunked in an old barn, and slept on urine-soaked straw, as part of their overnight trek" said an authoritative source. "We believe the barn was last used by a group of cyclists in training for the Tour de France, and the urine has contaminated the players' skin, and been transferred into their system through poor hygiene practices."
The scientists then produced a sample of the straw, which they have offered to ASADA for testing.
President of the Collingwood Fact Obfuscation Society, Eddie McGuire, was last seen wandering the corridors of AFL House clutching at a few of the straws and muttering "Why couldn't the silly pricks take ice like the rest of the boys?"
Ted
Mar 30, 2015
This one was amazing.
Mace
Mar 31, 2015
It's not the players fault that they ate meat from an athsmatic horse while following the advice of celebrity chef Pete Evans and the paleo diet.
Mick_EFC
Mar 31, 2015
Titus, you get the feeling this season is going to be pure comedic gold? It technically hasn't even started and it's already off to a blinder!
In the immortal words of the late Rick James,
"Cocaine's a helluva drug!"
*hint hint