In an inner city pub, I sat down with the media to discuss the AFL drug scandal.

Titus: Tell me what were your initial thoughts when the Essendon drug story begun.

Media: Well it’s the end of the world really. Could not be worse for Essendon or the AFL. Neither will probably exist in a week or so. They’ll have to sack Hird and I’m sure all the players are on them.

Actually, they should strip Jobe Watson of the Brownlow too. This could not be worse.

The Government and the ACC have done a great service by exposing this.

Titus: Wow. What about the ACC report into match fixing and drugs across all codes?

Media: Easily the darkest day in the history of Australia.

Titus: Worse than when the Japanese looked like invading in WW2?

Media: Oh yes. This is a dark stain on the soul of Australia. Drugs and gambling have taken over our codes. All have been complacent and you wouldn’t be far off to assume all players are guilty.

Titus: It’s really that bad?

Media: We’ve finally lost our innocence as a country.

Titus: We seem to lose that fairly regularly. Haven’t we actually had drug cheats caught before? Like actually caught, not just rumors and innuendo.

Media: Look, you’ve got guys like Trent Croad dealing PEDs. That’s almost a fact.

Titus: That’s a big claim. You’d want to be pretty sure about that before accusing someone of it.

It seems there doesn’t seem to be an awful lot of evidence behind a lot of these claims. I mean the ACC haven’t actually taken anything to court. We’ve seen this stuff fall over before when oversight bodies make media announcements but don’t charge anyone.

Media: Couldn’t agree more. The hysterical reaction to the Essendon story and the ACC report is a disgrace. Its politically motivated by the Minsters who announced it and what have we got now? A few maybe at Essendon and one other player.

People were instantly calling for sackings and saying this was widespread!

Titus: Hang on, wasn’t that you whipping it up into a frenzy? A couple of minutes ago you said this was Australia’s darkest hour.

Media: Well you see this is the great thing about being me. I can’t lose. I hype it up at the start and if it all plays that way I’m right but if it doesn’t I attack the hype.

Titus: That does seem like a great position to be in.

Media: It’s amazing. Sport makes it even better. Tanking, drugs, you name it; we’re like Chicken Little, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling.’

Titus: Well, that certainly clears things up. Must be upsetting though that social media comes along and people can easily expose your failings.

Media: You have no idea. Buy me another drink?