Dear Collingwood Faithful

By now, you’ll be aware that I am the new captain of the Collingwood Football Club.

It was announced on the club website and through social media last night at 6.45pm. Why that weird and media unfriendly time?

The truth is it was meant to be earlier but I had a Pilates class. I knew any self-respecting Pies fan would understand that Pilates comes first.

Let me say, it’s a great honour to be named captain. Collingwood is the biggest club in the country and has a storied history.

I’d also like to add that this is a massive hassle.

Why?

Because leading people is awful.

All those personalities, opinions and demands.

As French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre's wrote, "L'enfer, c'est les autres" or "Hell is other people."

Can you imagine having to listen to the opinions and concerns of Travis Cloke, Dane Swan and all those other players whose names I can’t remember?

Thank god Heath Shaw, Harry O’Brien and Alan Didak have left.

Oh! And Jolly! That guy would have never shut up. He would have driven me bonkers.

Probably the most annoying part of this job is needing to communicate the thoughts of the playing group to Nathan Buckley.

Don’t get me wrong, I like Buckley but he’s already pointing out how much better he was as captain.

He says things like ‘I wouldn’t have said that’ or ‘you need to be bare chested more often.’

I don’t want to appear ungrateful however. Being captain at Collingwood is not without its perks.

For example, I get my own, specially marked car park, which is kind of a big deal around here.

Travis Cloke has already joked that he’ll park in it. I said he mustn’t want to be on the receiving end of my beautifully weighted, centimetre-perfect passes any more. He seemed to go quiet after that.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m happy but realistic.

Just one day in and I can already see why Nick had no time to practice football.

Side by Side

Scott Pendlebury