As a slick, well-run organisation, Essendon has prepared two media releases for either outcome following tomorrow’s Board meeting regarding James Hird.

Somehow, I’ve managed to get my hands on both versions. Here they are:

Essendon Board Sacks Traitor

The Essendon Football Club Board has heroically put the club before any individual and sacked someone who betrayed us all.

‘Today, with steely resolve but a heavy heart, the Essendon Board voted to sack suspended and disgraced senior coach, James Hird," said Chairman for life Paul Little.

“This was a decision not taken lightly but the offences, over a long period of time, were unforgivable. You cannot stay part of the club while fighting against it.”

The Board said the decision was effective immediately.

“We all know James had knowledge of the interview Tania Hird gave on the eve of our season’s first game. This was treason pure and simple,” said Mr Little.

“It is impossible to think of a graver crime a person could commit against this football club than to overshadow Dustin Fletcher’s 379th game.”

The club will be making no further comment on this matter.

Happy Day: Sun King Stays

The Essendon Football Club Board voted to retain saviour James Hird as Senior Coach after meeting today.

"This all got out of hand really quickly. It’s actually a bit of a misunderstanding,” said Essendon Chairman Paul Little.

“After careful consideration, we believe Tania didn’t realise that interview would be seen by anyone. It was, after all, on the ABC.

“Also, if you start sacking someone for things their spouse said, Carla McGuire would get sacked every week.”

“We’re positive James and Tania had nothing but the best interests of the Essendon Football Club at heart, when they accidentally ruined the start of our season.”

The Board also voted to extend Hird’s contract by another five years and erect a ten-storey tall statue of Hird at that hanger thing that’s always in the news these days.

“Yeah, that was more a spur of the moment thing. Someone had put on some footage of James Hird highlights and we got all nostalgic,” said Mr Little.

“James is one of the greatest people who has ever live in all of human history. He and Tania would never do anything to overshadow a club legend like Dustin Fletcher.”

The club will be making no further comment on this matter.