Dear Sport Fans

Recently there has been a lot in the media about our investigations following the Australian Crime Commission’s report into doping and match-fixing in sport.

I wanted to keep all sports fans up to date on how things are going.

Especially in regards to the NRL and AFL because, let’s be honest, the other sports you only care about once every four years at best.

Oh, except cricket, you used to care about cricket. Now? Meh.

Here at ASADA, we take our responsibility investigating drugs in sport very seriously. How seriously?

Well, for example, smiling is banned at our offices and we refrain from making lighthearted remarks. Once someone wore a funny t-shirt but that was a one off.

By way of introduction, I have a long background as a public servant. I know that alone will fill you with confidence.

Have I had much experience in the world of anti-doping enforcement?

Well no. I was deputy CEO of Centrelink though so I am used to dealing with people constantly on drugs.

So why am I writing this letter?

Keeping you, the common fan, informed of our investigation is incredibly important to some of us at ASADA.

It says so right on a stakeholder map I have in my office that the guy from public affairs gave me.

I think you come somewhere below our own staff in terms of importance but above the company that supplies our stationery.

So how is our investigation going? I’m happy to report it’s going amazingly well. Better than I personally could have hoped for. I’ve met the Minister several times now and people seem to know who I am when they meet me.

Gone are the days when I was greeted with blank stares and assumed to be just setting up the meeting room.

Sure, we’re yet to really charge anyone or announce anything of substance but that’s all a bit secondary to the excellent brand recognition work we are doing.

It really used to bug me when I went to dinner parties and people would say, ‘Where do you work?’ and I’d have to explain at length.

Now I just say I’m the CEO of ASADA and hint that I know all sorts of things about Cronulla and Essendon.

This ACC report is just pure gold for us. Brand recognition, new powers and with a bit of luck, more funding.

You’d think the way the politicians and media are carrying on, drugs in sport was the only pressing issue we’ve got in this country. It amazing but it works perfectly for me.

All we need to do is drag this thing out. Keep us in the media and the funding will come.

If we do get more funding, I’m going to make my office much bigger and fill it with new furniture and a massive LCD.

Dragging this thing out shouldn’t be hard. We started looking into this 18 months ago.

Given the current investigation is ongoing, this means by the time any charges are laid it should be well over two years since we supposedly started looking into this.

Serial killer investigations are over in a shorter time.

Make no mistake, this has been about the best thing that could ever happen to ASADA. We’re on the map now and we want to stay there.

Oh, finally, are there lots of drug cheats in sports? Who knows. The substances that get banned change every five minutes and new ones come on the market every few months.

All the scientists in the world can’t understand them all. Let’s expect 20 year old athletes to figure that all out when their club’s ‘sport scientist’ is recommending things.

Best

Aurora