We hear all about the ‘Show Cause’ letters ASADA issues to athletes but few people have ever seen one. Luckily, I’ve managed to get my hands on the template they use. Here it is:

Dear (Insert athlete’s name, no nicknames anymore)

The Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority (ASADA) is a government body responsible for appearing to maintain sporting integrity through the elimination of doping.

You may remember we started an investigation concerning yourself (2/3/10) years ago.

We are now writing to you to show cause as to why you shouldn’t be banned for a period of time for doing stuff.

‘Show cause’ means we need you to justify, explain, or prove you didn’t do anything wrong or we will then take action against you.

It’s great for us. It’s kind of asking you to help us do our job to find you guilty.

Ideally, you would just admit you are in the wrong and tell us what you did. This would cut out a lot of paperwork and expensive lawyers.

You are personally accused of (Select from the following points):

• Knowingly taking performance enhancing drugs;
• Unknowingly taking performance enhancing drugs;
• Selling performance enhancing drugs;
• Holding performance enhancing drugs for a friend;
• Being Stephen Dank;
• Not knowing what you took but we have no proof so would really like it if you just told us;
• Failed a drug test;
• Are a professional cyclist;
• Never failed a drug test but we think you would have if you’d done one.

You have a week to respond to this letter because we make you rush even though we’ve taken our sweet old time to get around to you.

Wishing you the best of luck with this.

(Insert ASADA Employee name)