AFL injury lists are long, boring things. The clubs are keen to give as little detail as possible and as a result a fairly standard code has built up around them.
This is what injury lists should be like.
| ADELAIDE | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Richard Douglas | Groin | 3-5 weeks |
| Ricky Henderson | Got a PlayStation 4 | 4-5 months |
| Tom Lynch | Mettwurst overdose | 4-6 weeks |
| Andy Otten | Given Breaking Bad on DVD | 4-6 weeks |
| Nathan van Berlo | Lost in Central Market | 4-6 months |
| Taylor Walker | Knee | 5-10 weeks |
| BRISBANE LIONS | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Claye Beams | Homesick | 6-7 weeks |
| Stefan Martin | Homesick | 2-3 weeks |
| Ash McGrath | Homesick | 3 weeks |
| Luke McGuane | Homesick | TBC |
| Brent Staker | Homesick | 6-7 weeks |
| CARLTON | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Dennis Armfield | Knee | 1 week |
| Ciaran Byrne | Didn’t laugh at Malthouse Joke | 1 week |
| Andrew Carrazzo | Calf | 2 weeks |
| Sam Docherty | Realised he’s at Carlton | 2 weeks |
| Chris Judd | Caring about Environment | 2 weeks |
| Ciaran Sheehan | Upset at Carlton’s list management | 1 week |
| Andrew Walker | Stupidity | Round 3 |
| COLLINGWOOD | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Tim Broomhead | Wrist | 2-3 weeks |
| Nathan Freeman | Compulsory Sleeve Tattoo | 3 weeks |
| Corey Gault | Groin | 1-2 weeks |
| Patrick Karnezis | Just saw ‘Red Wedding’ Episode of Game of Thrones | 3-4 weeks |
| Adam Oxley | Parked in Eddie’s Spot | 2-3 weeks |
| Ben Reid | Considering name change | Test |
| Matthew Scharenberg* | Made a joke about Bucks | Indefinite |
| Paul Seedsman | Hip | 3-4 weeks |
| Jesse White | Calf | Test |
| ESSENDON | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Tom Bellchambers | Ankle | 6-8 weeks |
| Alex Browne | Forced to write ‘Open Letters’ | Season |
| Lauchlan Dalgleish | Achilles | TBC |
| Will Hams | Just started Harry Potter Books | 3-4 weeks |
| Nick Kommer | Knee | TBC |
| Jake Melksham | Suspended | Round 3 |
| Jason Winderlich | Rediscovering his love of INXS | 3-4 weeks |
| FREMANTLE | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Jacob Ballard | Too many Ross Lyon speeches | 3-5 weeks |
| Kepler Bradley | Knee | 3 weeks |
| Zac Clarke | Impressive Sunday Session | Test |
| Hayden Crozier | Nightclub dance incident | Test |
| Jonathon Griffin | Knee | 3 weeks |
| Scott Gumbleton | Business as Usual | 10-12 weeks |
| Garrick Ibbotson | Achilles | Test |
| Alex Pearce | Carbon Tax | 3-5 weeks |
| Alex Silvagni | Campaigning for Senate (Again) | Test |
| Nick Suban | Suspended | Round 2 |
| Matt Taberner | Just got Foxtel | Test |
| GEELONG | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| George Burbury | Looked at the new lights too long | 3 weeks |
| Allen Christensen* | Back | 9-10 weeks |
| Shane Kersten | Saw Mark Taylor speak at a lunch- Coma | 9-10 weeks |
| Daniel Menzel* | Knee | Indefinite |
| Steven Motlop | Went out in Geelong at night | 3-5 weeks |
| Joel Selwood | Tore Hamstring trying to duck out of tackle | Test |
| Billie Smedts | Selfie related injury | 2 weeks |
| Nathan Vardy* | Knee | Season |
| GOLD COAST | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Nathan Bock | Bumped into Campbell Brown recently | TBC |
| Charlie Dixon | Sunburnt | Test |
| Jack Martin | Shoulder | Indefinite |
| Leigh Osborne | Surfing Incident | Indefinite |
| Zac Smith* | Knee | Indefinite |
| Seb Tape | Tried Jägermeister | Test |
| GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Phil Davis | Ruining Buddy’s day | TBC |
| Stephen Gilham | Ankle | Test |
| Tim Mohr | Shock. Was recognised on the street in Western Sydney | 3 weeks |
| Rhys Palmer | Lost in Western Sydney | 3-4 weeks |
| Sam Schulz | Shoulder | 7 weeks |
| HAWTHORN | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Brian Lake | Suspended | Round 4 |
| Cyril Rioli | Suspended | Round 2 |
| Ryan Schoenmakers | Missing Buddy | 1-2 weeks |
| Brad Sewell | Really Missing Buddy | 2 weeks |
| Ben Stratton | Stood too close to Clarkson in huddle | 2 weeks |
| Brendan Whitecross* | Knee | Indefinite |
| MELBOURNE | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Mitch Clark | Curse of Norm Smith | TBC |
| Chris Dawes | Damn you Collingwood! | 2-3 weeks |
| Colin Garland | Curse of Norm Smith | 2-3 weeks |
| Jesse Hogan | Weight of expectations | TBC |
| Mark Jamar | Curse of Norm Smith | 1-2 weeks |
| Aidan Riley* | Curse of Norm Smith | 3-4 weeks |
| Jack Viney | Curse of Norm Smith | Test |
| NORTH MELBOURNE | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Tom Curran | Acting as CEO to save costs | Indefinite |
| Taylor Garner | Hamstring | 3 weeks |
| Kieran Harper | Caught a cold playing outdoors | 1 week |
| Andrew Swallow | Called Brad, ‘Chris’ | 5-8 weeks |
| Robbie Tarrant | Injured putting the weight back on the milk crate | 3-4 weeks |
| PORT ADELAIDE | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Dom Cassisi | Calf | Test |
| Campbell Heath | Hung Parliament | 1-2 weeks |
| Jarrad Redden* | Avoiding David Koch | 3-4 weeks |
| Sam Russell | Hamstring | TBC |
| Paul Stewart | Calf | Test |
| RICHMOND | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Matt Dea | Witness Protection | 6 weeks |
| Daniel Jackson | Hamstring | Test |
| Ivan Maric | Emergency Hair treatment | 4-5 weeks |
| ST KILDA | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Blake Acres | Manchester United Fan | 2-3 weeks |
| Sam Fisher | Back | 1-2 weeks |
| Sam Gilbert | IPhone broke | 2-3 weeks |
| Lenny Hayes | Suspended | Round 2 |
| Leigh Montagna | Suspended | Round 2 |
| Lewis Pierce | Back | 7-8 weeks |
| Adam Schneider | Watched the first twenty minutes of Up | 4 weeks |
| Jack Steven | Trying to locate Seaford | 4 weeks |
| Maverick Weller | Suspended | Round 2 |
| SYDNEY SWANS | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Adam Goodes | Ambassadorial duties | 4-5 weeks |
| Kieren Jack | Rift with Buddy | Test |
| Alex Johnson | Stuck in Sydney traffic | Season |
| Lewis Roberts-Thomson | Rift with Buddy | Test |
| Kurt Tippett | Overshadowed | 2-3 weeks |
| Tommy Walsh* | Rift with Buddy | 4-5 weeks |
| WEST COAST | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Tom Barrass* | Hip | 3-5 weeks |
| Mark Hutchings | Mistaken Shark Cull injury | 1-2 weeks |
| Patrick McGinnity | Suspended | Round 2 |
| Beau Waters | Shoulder | 4-6 weeks |
| WESTERN BULLDOGS | ||
| Player | Injury | Estimated Return |
| Jarrad Grant | Ate at a local restaurant | 1-2 weeks |
| Robert Murphy | Elbow | Test |
COMMENTS
Chris
Apr 06, 2014
Keep these coming. Much better and more realistic than the ones they send out