Aug 26, 2012

AFL

The AFL in the Year 2030

Last week the AFL held a conference that looked at how the league would look in 2030.

”We talked about what does 2030 look like, and that is only 18 years away,” Demetriou said. ”We hypothesised that had anyone in 1994 predicted what the AFL competition will look like in 2012, I don’t think anyone would have got near it.”

Damn right Andrew; I was promised hoverboards and shoes that did themselves up.

The main newsworthy item that came out of the conference was the idea of another club for both Western Australia and Queensland.

A lot of other predictions were made at the conference that didn’t make the news. Here are just a few.

North Melbourne

Back in 2012 things looked dire off the field for the Kanagas. An attempt to move them to Tasmania met with a fierce response leading to the back down of club officials and the league.

However in the 2020s new Chairman Andrew Swallow adopted a ‘boiling frog’ strategy moving first two games a year to Canberra, three the next and so on till only one home game was played in Melbourne.

Still called North Melbourne, Canberran’s are proud of the name often commenting, ‘We are North Melbourne, just 680-odd kilometers north of Melbourne.’

Richmond

In 2030, the Tigers are two years into a new five-year plan, which aims to return them to the finals for the first time since 2001.

As the 2030 season begins, the Tiger faithful are full of hope, only to have it dashed by being thumped in round one by Carlton on a Thursday night at the ‘G’.

Carlton

Carlton Chairman Chris Judd’s decision to place all Carlton players on the Visy payroll comes under increasing pressure from the League and the media.

Most notably the Gina Reinhart owned ‘The Age’, a small but well funded blog has been most vocal. The AFL however gives its blessing in the end due to the fact, ‘Hey, it’s Chris Judd.’

Collingwood

Pie’s Chairman Eddie McGuire faces renewed accusations of a conflict of interest by being both Collingwood Chair and AFL CEO.

The club must also defend the perceived advantage it gets by being able to afford to train in space during the off-season.

GWS

While the most successful club of the past two decades, the Giants announce they will be moving to a smaller venue to better accommodate their crowds.

The new stadium allows all fans to watch the game from their cars and toot and flash their lights when GWS scores.

The AFL announce the club will be given the top ten picks from the next eight drafts to try to boost interest in Western Sydney, reminding fans it’s a multi-generational strategy.

West Coast, Fremantle and Broome

The WA Government promises to build an $8 billion stadium in an attempt to win the next election. This is met with universal approval in Perth.

The West Coast Eagles announce Nic Naitanui will play one more year after his doctor announces his cyborg knees will stand up to one more season.

The Dockers announce they will allow fans to vote for a new theme song. The following campaign leads to widespread rioting between ‘Freo Way to Go’ supporters and those wanting a change to Prince’s ‘Purple Rain’. More than 200 people will die in the fighting which lasts two weeks.

The Broome Miners continue to have ‘No Carbon Tax’ branded across their jerseys despite it not being an issue for decades. Owner Gina Reinhardt’s response is, ‘You can’t be too careful.’

Melbourne

Demons supporters have been asked to donate to the club’s fighting fund to help clear the club’s debt and raise money for free agents. After twenty years of these fundraisers, only $13.75 is raised.

The constant fundraising has changed the Demon’s image from the club of the establishment to the club of the homeless. Skiing? Try Keno at the local pub.

Essendon

The Bombers will turn again to James Hird to try to restore the club to its glory days. James says this time will be third time lucky.

James’ first move will be to bring back the grey clash jumpers saying, ‘If my memory serves me correctly the fans really got behind them.’

Sydney

Despite never finishing last or receiving any priority picks, the Swans continue to make Grand Finals and produce stars.

Chairman Andrew Goodes announces the post match tradition of releasing live swans onto the ground after every game will cease after the swans gained a taste for humans.

Western Bulldogs

With six premierships in the past eleven years the Bulldogs call for the smaller Melbourne clubs to be relocated or moved claiming they are sick of subsidising them.

Following the gentrification of the Western suburbs, the new EJ Whitten Oval is the only sporting facility in the world to contain café style seating for the entire stadium.

Hawthorn

In a first of its kind property deal, the Hawthorn board buys Tasmania. Under the deal, the Hawks will continue to play three games a year in the Apple Isle and supporting Hawthorn will be mandatory.

Lance ‘Buddy’ Franklin begins his reign as Tasmania’s ‘President for Life’ decreeing all Tasmanians will receive a free Buddy Ball. He will become the best leader Tasmania has ever had.

Brisbane Lions/Gold Coast

Following the purchase and relocation of the Lions back to Fitzroy by a 14-year-old dotcom billionaire, Brisbane spends three years without a team.

This changes when the Queensland Government announces the formation of Briscoast with the Briscoast Suns covering the whole city, which now has a population of 18 million.

Adelaide Crows

Due to having more cash than they know what to do with, the Crows announce they will fund the Olympic Dam project out of some revenue they receive from the sale of some old Tony Modra memorabilia.

They also announce they will be running a candidate for Premier with the platform of making the Power illegal. The polls predict a landslide victory.

Port Adelaide

Power supporters begin creating a rebel province within South Australia as the annual Showdowns spread beyond the footy field.

The new province will show the film Mad Max was spot on.

Geelong

The walled city-state of Geelong agrees to increase its funding of the Cats to 87 per cent of GDP. A large percentage of the funds goes towards an as yet unsuccessful attempt to clone Gary Ablett senior and junior.

Geelong scientists also attempt to isolate the gene that made Gary Jnr go to the Suns.

St Kilda

Chairman Shane Warne comes down hard on several St Kilda players caught drinking late into the evening. “I have no time for players bringing the game into disrepute. Only the best behaviour will be tolerated at this club.”