Sep 23, 2022


A Highly Unhelpful Guide to the AFL Grand Final 2022


Geelong v Sydney

The holiest of holy days, Grand Final Day, is upon us.

It’s a time to drink before noon in public without people judging you, and for adults to wear face paint, and be judged, but not as harshly as normal.

This year, we have two teams who are regularly in the finals and have had a lot of success in recent times, meaning there is no fairy tale this year.

But there is a chance to barrack against someone, which is always fun.

Here is the only guide you’ll need for this year’s game. It is frequently inaccurate.

Musical Entertainment

Unfortunately, the AFL have gone out and got a rather good list of performers for this year’s entertainment.

Personally, I like my Grand Final entertainment to be unmitigated disasters that are seared onto your brain for the rest of your life. Angry Anderson and the batmobile and Meatloaf being the pinnacle of that style.

But we should acknowledge the cast of Australian Idol’s performance and Daryl Somers singing Waltzing Matilda in a white linen suit rolled up at the sleeves.

This year we get Goanna, Christine Anu, Emma Donovan, Tasman Keith, William Barton, G Flip, Mike Brady, The Temper Trap featuring Budjerah and Ngaiire, and Katie Noonan.

On top of all that, headlining will be Robbie Williams, with a guest appearance by Gillon McLachlan’s dance partner Delta Goodrem.

I was personally hoping for the long-anticipated Mike Brady and G Flip collaboration, but alas, it doesn’t appear to be on the cards.

Key Timings

8am – Melbourne Cricket Club gates open, rich people let in.

9am – Seven Network pre-match coverage begins

9:30am – General and AFL Reserve gates open, poor people let in. Just kidding, poor people aren’t allowed at the Grand Final.

9:35am – Grand final curtain-raiser begins: NAB All Stars vs U18s Futures match

1:02pm – Teams warm up on the MCG

1:25pm – Welcome to Country

1:25pm – Retiring players motorcade

1:33pm – Mike Brady to perform

1:40pm – Pre-match entertainment: Robbie Williams with Delta Goodrem

2:11pm – Umpires enter field, match ball is delivered

2:13pm – Sydney players enter field

2:16pm – Geelong players enter field

2:24pm – Acknowledgement of Country

2:25pm – Premiership Cup delivered by ambassador Bachar Houli

2:26pm – National anthem performed by Katie Noonan

2:28pm – Coin toss

2:30pm – AFL grand final starts

3pm – Quarter time

3:06pm – Second quarter starts

3:36pm– Half time

3:42pm– Half time entertainment: Goanna with Christine Anu, Emma Donovan, Tasman Keith, William Barton; G Flip; The Temper Trap, Budjerah, Ngaire, The Australian Girls Choir

4pm– Third quarter starts

4:30pm– Three-quarter time

4:36pm– Fourth quarter starts

5:06pm– Final siren

5:15pm– Post-match presentation2:30PM 2022 Toyota AFL Grand Final starts

TV Coverage

Channel Seven has exclusive broadcast rights to the Grand Final, so get ready for ads.

If you like gambling ads and ads telling you about shows coming up on Seven, you will be in heaven.

Most importantly, it’s a chance for the kids to learn how to put a multi together and understand how odds work.

And people say the AFL isn’t educational!

The Teams


The Geelong Football Club is an organisation strategically placed amongst a host of marginal federal and state seats, meaning they are showered with money by all political parties with such regularity they almost don’t know how to spend it all.

The club formed in 1859, making it the second oldest in the AFL and one of the oldest clubs in the world, which is also true of its playing list.


The Cats have been far and away the best team in the competition this year and are currently on a 15-game winning streak, which is good if you’re new to the game.

They are a lot of veterans, but while they’re old, that just means they’re crafty and hate driving at night.

Plus, they have a lot of good younger players coming through, meaning, unfortunately, they are a real chance to win it all.


Tom Hawkins- He’s the big guy up forward who kicks a lot of goals. He’ll also ruck while the ball is in the Cats forward fifty.

Amazingly, he hasn’t been suspended this finals series, which is like Keith Richard’s getting through a tour without taking anything.

Patrick Dangerfield- Earlier in the year, Dangerfield saved a family from drowning in the surf, proving this guy will do anything to get his head on telly.

Joel Selwood- This is Selwood’s fortieth final, a record, and his sixth Grand Final. He is one of the bravest players of all time and plays for frees so often Jack Ginnivan can legitimately wonder why people focus on him. It’s the blonde hair.

Jeremy Cameron- Cameron pairs with Hawkins up front and is an incredibly dangerous forward. He started his career at the Giants but his dream of playing for an AFL club never went away.


The Sydney Swans stated life as the South Melbourne Football Club, who were founded in 1874.

In 1982, after the then VFL ran them into the ground financially because they wanted a team in Sydney, they moved to the harbour city.

They then sucked for years until they got Tony Lockett, and a bunch of other things happened, and they then became a powerhouse of the league.


The Swans are on a seven-game winning streak and delighted the world by defeating Collingwood by just one beautiful solitary point last week.

They’ve been rebuilding steadily for years, with a competency that is rare in the AFL and is very boring.

Just once, I wish they’d all get drunk in a Balinese nightclub with an Instagram bikini model or have a dust-up at a French restaurant.


Buddy Franklin- Franklin, who kicked his 1000th career goal this year, is famously in his ninth year of a multi-billion-dollar deal, which many predicted would be a mistake.

Instead, once the Swans pointed out to him that they drive on the same side of the road in Sydney as they do in Melbourne, it’s all gone terrifically well.

Dane Rampe- One of Sydney’s most important defenders, Rampe once tried to climb a goal post during a game in one of the weirdest things I’ve seen on the field.

While I’m hoping he does it in the Grand Final, like the Mike Brady and G Flip crossover, it’s unlikely.

Tom Papley- Papley is one of those guys that brings both energy and rather ridiculous skills to the Swans.

A forward, the normal rules don’t apply to him, like pushing an opponent in the back. More than any other player for the Swans, if he gets going, things could go well for them.

Paddy McCartin- McCartin was the first pick of the 2014 national draft, but in five seasons at St Kilda he suffered eight concussions and looked out of the game.

Sydney took a chance on him this season, and he now gets a chance at premiership glory.

He’s worth barracking for just for that.


The Bureau is predicting the day to be partly cloudy with a 40 per cent chance of showers in the early morning.

The good news is there’s not much rain and it should clear.


Both these teams are on long winning streaks with few weaknesses and stars everywhere, making this difficult to tip.

Making it even more difficult is the fact I’m terrible at tipping.

I’m not good enough to be worth listening to, but I’m not quite bad enough to tip against with confidence.

So, with that said, I’m tipping Geelong, who I think have the slight edge across the ground.

Either way, I love the Grand Final so much, it’s my favourite day of the year, and I hope you all have the greatest day.  

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here:

My new podcast Sports Bizarre is out now:  




Sep 23, 2022

I know you like to use understatement for comedy, Titus, but “frequently inaccurate” is pretty outrageous even by your standards.

John Whitelaw

Sep 23, 2022

Thanks for the entertaining banter this year mate cheers John.


Sep 23, 2022

Just waiting for the "Big Dance " and "First Blood " references during the broadcast.


Sep 23, 2022

Thanks for tipping Geelong. May your kiss of death remain strong.
Love your work


Sep 23, 2022

Sydney for mine.

Truff Snuff

Sep 23, 2022

Excellent, you've tipped the Cats ... Swannies will be a shoo-in!


Sep 23, 2022

Yet another enjoyable preview, with the added bonus that you've had no need to (usually justifiably) diss #flagmantle .

Like yourself this is one of my favourite days of the year, and the fact that it runs straight into a Bledisloe Cup rugby test means that my day will inevitably end chaotically & immemorably.

Cheers, and, on this occasion only, Go Swans!


Sep 23, 2022

Something must have happened to boost Gil’s profile cos his head’s on TV a lot! If it doesn’t do Gil good, he’s gone like a rat up a drainpipe!


Sep 23, 2022

Papley’s push of Darcy Moore in the back last week was modelled on the way Tom Hawkins takes so many marks. With any luck, the umpires will play all pushes in the back tomorrow, or ignore them all and make it last man standing, literally.


Sep 23, 2022

And we don’t have to listen to Mark Seymour give Holy Grail another flogging, bonus!

David O'Leary

Sep 23, 2022

This is both brilliant and 100% spot on Titus!:
"Jeremy Cameron- Cameron pairs with Hawkins up front and is an incredibly dangerous forward. He started his career at the Giants but his dream of playing for an AFL club never went away."
You're doing the work of Sydney based NRL fans (who loathe GWS) for us - Cheers!

Johnny Geo

Sep 23, 2022

Without doubt reading this drivel is the highlight of my footy season, (and my mates, so we get to laugh several times sharing our favourite bits) so thanks again Titus. Next year, can you please consistently tip agains the Dockers… that could work. Also, consistently tip for the Eagles and Hawks. thanks! Johnny (2023 for sure) Geo


Sep 23, 2022

1.33 Mike Brady performs
1.40 Pre Match Entertainment…

Brilliant dig at Mike. Great work.

The g train

Sep 23, 2022

“Here is the only guide you’ll need for this year’s game. It is frequently inaccurate”. So, so true. On both counts.

Recent research at Georgia University proves unhelpful and useless information is critical for acquiring critical learning patterns and formation of new memories. I sent them a copy of Titus’s unhelpful guide to aid in their research. They replied saying the information I sent was completely unhelpful and useless. I’m not sure if that means I actually sent helpful and useful information in that it provided unhelpful information they can use in their research; or whether they considered Titus’s guide as helpful and useful and therefore unhelpful and useless for their research.

Sincere thanks, Titus, for another completely terrific season of completely unhelpful guides. (Although this GF guide was reasonable helpful and useful). We’d all be lost and depleted without it.

Andrew Williams

Sep 23, 2022

I have a good laugh every week when reading your predictions. The Grand final is the best day of the year, no doubt. Thanks Titus for your work during the footy season

Andrew Dwyer

Sep 23, 2022

A Premiership effort Titus. Brilliant.
"....poor people let in. Just kidding, poor people aren’t allowed at the Grand Final." Never have truer words been written.


Sep 23, 2022

You are tipping Geelong....great, Swans for the win then. Thanks Titus been an entertaining season.

Swannies forever

Sep 23, 2022

Love your work Titus, and you're showing commendable enthusiasm for the GF considering Melbourne's exit this year! Cheer cheer


Sep 23, 2022

Solid analysis. I've had a few though.

Con Cushion

Sep 23, 2022

Turn it up Titus ... 8am for rich people like Hugo Swil-Reddone. My friend Bramble Watt will be there at 6.30am carrying his mop and tin bucket. Well before Hugo. Bram's not rich! Con.


Sep 23, 2022

'His dream of playing for an AFL club never went away'.
Nearly takes the prize for 2022. A ripper.

Saint Peter

Sep 23, 2022

Well done Titus, great report on our great day. Also, well written by G-Train.

We can't expect Titus to tip against our teams all year because I don't want a tie every week. Having said that please don't tip the Saints ever again. Next year is our big 150th year & look out as the St.Kilda FC strives to mediocrity for the 149th time. That's right we achieved excellence once in 150 years. Makes me proud writing this & I can't wait for season 2023 to start.

Thanks for the itinerary for tomorrow - I'll plan my toilet break for 1.33pm.
By the way what time does the streaker enter the field??

Shane Lucas

Sep 23, 2022

Another great column, mate. Love your work. Looking forward (not) to those SportsBet ads!

Bruce Clark

Sep 23, 2022

Thanks for a great year Titus !! Highlights of a Friday and Monday are eagerly anticipated. Enjoy the game and well earned break !!

Saint Peter

Sep 23, 2022

Looking forward to the opportunity to bet on how long Mike Brady sings & get it in a multi with Robbie & Delta. Then follow up with how long the grass will be by the end of the match. Bracket that with the combined weight of both teams at each quarter break. I'm sure the betting co's will embrace these. Must get the kids involved, so they can help out the struggling betting co's.


Sep 23, 2022


"Papley’s push of Darcy Moore in the back last week was modelled on the way Tom Hawkins takes so many marks."

True. So let's hope tomorrow the umpires decide to pay him back for all the times they let him get away with blatant pushes in the back and ping him big time every time he lays hands on opposition players' nether regions.

Marilyn Eaton

Sep 23, 2022

Love your work, Titus. Highly unhelpful and frequently inaccurate, wouldn’t miss it for quids!

Myk Aussie

Sep 23, 2022

Good to see hotty and great singer Delta survived her recent tour of USA and Canada with the Backstreet Boys in the bus for mths! Cats I think win but I hope Swans. Danger leaving Crows still annoys me, don't care if he he doesn't win a flag, great player though. It's on TSN TV in Canada Fri night is great! Keep it a day GF!!!!!!!!

Macca RB

Sep 23, 2022

Simon Re: Holy Grail
No, we are spared that dirge - we get worse - Bloody, boring, no voice Mike Brady with another rendition of that ghastly, "Up There Cazaly".
I suppose that will be treated as his tribute to South Melbourne.


Sep 23, 2022

I think it was Jesinta who taught Buddy to drive on the correct side of the road.

Doozie Pemberton

Sep 23, 2022

I grew up in South Africa where rugby was compulsory at school but I think footy is the greatest sport ever ( I am a long suffering wallabies fan and blame Scotty from marketing for last weeks debacle). So a big Saturday of sport (ignoring the Sportsbet ads).
Thanks for the review Titus
Stay safe


Sep 25, 2022

Actually helpful guide. Used it a few times for the as a guide to when things were on. Thanks for another great year.