The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Two.

Thursday

Western Bulldogs vs Carlton (Marvel) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Carlton fans, after celebrating last week’s win, must now confront the harsh reality that there are still 22 rounds of football left to be played. 

Footy, being a cruel and unusual business, has thrown the spanner in the works immediately.

Coach Michael Voss has covid and Adam Cerra and Jack Martin will both miss this game due to being classified as close contacts.

Adam Cerra is a big loss. In previous years he’s been overlooked by the media due to suffering from a dangerous case of ‘playing for Fremantle’. 

Now cured of this, suddenly the Melbourne media are noticing him, like when Rachael Leigh-Cook took off her glasses in She’s All That.

In good news for Carlton, Sam Walsh has been rushed back made a miracle recovery.

The Bulldogs have been in the media all week, with reporters making out that a trip to a Luke Beveridge media conference is like reporting from Kyiv.

Media conferences aside, the Doggies have problems on the field, with Bailey Smith injuring his hip.

Such injuries are common in mullet wearers. One side of the mullet tends to weigh more and that throws the whole body out of kilter.

This happened to a kid I went to school with. A combination of a mullet and tight acid-washed jeans means he still walks with a pronounced limp.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs.

Friday

Sydney vs Geelong (SCG) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

After a bye in Round One, Geelong must now travel north to take on the Swans and their goal kicking sensation Luke Parker.

It’s a milestone game for Joel Selwood, who will captain Geelong for the 226^th time, equalling Stephen Kernahan’s record.

That’s a lot of games as captain, helped along by the fact that Selwood was appointed captain when he was thirteen.

In those 226 games as captain, he’s bled in 90 per cent of them and received four trillion frees for high tackles.

Speaking of milestones, we’re still on Buddy watch, waiting for him to slowly sneak up on that 1000^th career goal.

Luckily for Buddy, Phil Davis will be in another state this week, so that should speed things up.

It’s hard to know who will win this, the Swans had trouble with a depleted GWS last week, while Geelong played an Essendon side that did an impression of a tour group that accidentally stumbled onto the MCG grass during a game.

I’m tipping Sydney.

Saturday

Collingwood vs. Adelaide (MCG) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Sometimes life just works out.

Like playing St Kilda, then realising you’ve got the Crows at the MCG the very next week.

Pies fans haven’t been this happy since discovering an administrative error in Victoria resulted in more than 1,000 police officers being invalidly sworn in over the past eight years.

Is it possible Collingwood could be good? I don’t want to overreact too much to just one game of footy but that bunker you’re currently building for the upcoming nuclear war can also double for a Pies premiership, although chances of a nuclear war are much higher.

The Adelaide Crows are in the ‘Josh Rachele is here to save us’ phase of their rebuild.

Losing last week by a solitary point is not something Crows fans would want to dwell on, that sole point just standing there between them and victory, like a single sentinel whose only job is to prevent them from being happy.

I mean, it’s just one point, an inconsequential rushed behind, and against Fremantle at Adelaide Oval.

Don’t dwell on it that one point.

I’m tipping the Pies.

Essendon vs. Brisbane (Marvel) 4:35pm Fox Footy

In the dark midnight of despair, Essendon fans found themselves in this week, there was once solitary candle of hope still burning, Nic Martin.

Anyway, that’s gone out now.

Martin will miss this week’s game due to being a covid close contact, making the AFL about the only place that still pays attention to Covid protocols.

The good news for the Bombers is there are plenty of opportunities for improvement.

I mean there are literally thousands of things they can do better than last week.

Where people see problems at Essendon, I see opportunities. But also, problems.

In good news, they get Jake Stringer back and nothing stabilises a situation more than adding Jake Stringer.

Brisbane won’t want to get complacent; Essendon wouldn’t be the first team to have a bad opening round, have us all tip against them, then turn it around in round two.

It’s human nature. We massively overcorrect based on very little data. I’ve experienced this in real life.

I mean, every date I go on ends five minutes in, with the woman telling me her mum has been rushed to hospital and she has to go.

After the thirtieth time, I started to think that perhaps this rash of hospitalisations couldn’t be a coincidence, and maybe, just maybe, these were made up excuses.

Talk about making a decision based on not enough data. How can people judge someone in just five minutes? Usually, it takes people a good forty-five minutes to work out they don’t like me.

Anyway.  

I’m tipping Brisbane. 

Port Adelaide vs. Hawthorn (AO) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

Mission accomplished last week for the Power, coming away from Brisbane with a loss, and a ton of injuries.

Aliir Aliir is going to miss about six weeks, Xavier Duursma is waiting on scans and Connor Rozee, Robbie Gray and Trent McKenzie are all questionable (in an injury sense).

It’s not an ideal start to the season, but the good news is they get to play Hawthorn.

The Hawks sent a strong message to the rest of the comp last week when they beat North, “we’re a little bit better than North” the message read.

The good news for Hawthorn fans is that premiership window should be wide open by the time Australia gets its next delivery of submarines.

Even with the injuries, I’m tipping Port.

Gold Coast vs. Melbourne (MS) 8:00pm Fox Footy

Despite being brutally murdered last week by Willie Rioli, Matt Rowell will play this week.

It would be nice to see Rowell get through a season injury-free but the way he plays, it’s as unlikely as a politician getting through a career free from scandal.

Every time I see him play, I want to yell out, “be careful, and put on some sunscreen!”

The Suns have a step up in class this week with the Demons visiting.

I just wanted to write that sentence because I’ve never been able to write it before.

Christian Petracca was in fine form last week, but there’s one area of his that he doesn’t get credit for, and that’s his acting in the Cash Converters ad.

What a double threat, an actor/athlete.

So convincing is his performance, it makes me want to fence all my stolen goods at Cash Converters.

That’s a joke Cash Converters, before your lawyers contact me, as a Melbourne supporter all my crime is white collar. 

Dees to win.

Sunday

North Melbourne vs. West Coast (Marvel) 1:10pm Fox Footy

Willie Rioli, who has previously proven himself quite talented at getting suspended, has suddenly lost the knack.

We all know the AFL tribunal exists for one reason and one reason only, to confuse AFL fans.

In this regard, it has exceeded even the wildest dreams of those who created it.

While Mitch Robinson will miss this week due to his front-on collision with Xavier Duursma, Rioli, somehow managed to get his one week ban overturned.

The AFL made noises about appealing the decision, only to not do that, leaving everyone scratching their heads.

Those heads they were scratching are sacrosanct by the way.

“The head is sacrosanct,” they always say.

I’m beginning to think the AFL doesn’t know what the word ‘sacrosanct’ means. They probably think it’s a racehorse.

“Yeah Sacrosanct, won the Underwood Stakes, good horse. Cousin made a mint off it.”

Rioli being able to play is good news for the Eagles, as they can barely field a side, Josh Kennedy being the latest out.

North can field a side, it’s not a great side but they can field it.

If they are ever going to have a chance at a win, it’s against this depleted Eagles side.

And you know what? I’m going to tip the Roos, because while I may not know a lot about football, I know how to make bold predictions based on gut feel. Hire me SEN! 

Richmond vs. Greater Western Sydney (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

Richmond fans, still coming to terms with losing to Carlton, now find themselves without Jack Riewoldt, Dion Prestia and Dustin Martin

I’m no David King, I don’t have the full power of The Lab behind me or whatever its now called, but that’s not good.

That’s the thing with footy, one-minute things are so good your chest doesn’t feel like it’s been crushed under the relentless weight of despair, and then the next minute, it does.

The Giants don’t win at the MCG a lot but this certainly presents a chance.

GWS had some bad news this week, however, with former AFL Andrew Demetriou predicting they would become a very big club.

This is devastating news from the Giants, given Demetriou record on picking winners.

In a move that even I think is crazy, I’m tipping the Giants.

Fremantle vs. St Kilda (OS) 6:20pm Fox Footy

St Kilda will want to improve on last week’s game, a performance so lacklustre it is amazing Hayden Christensen wasn’t somehow involved.

They were just so lifeless.

The Saints supporters I talked to expressed disappointment in the performance but said there was no reason to write them off just yet.

But their eyes! Their eyes said something different altogether. Those eyes have seen things, you know?

Sad things. Painful things. Looking into those eyes was looking back through time, at a conciseness that had seen pain across a timescale unimaginable to most of us.

Their eyes said, “we’ve seen this all before. It will hurt, but we will endure, because what’s the alternative? Go for one of the other teams? No thank you.”

Fremantle fans will be shocked to learn Nat Fyfe is injured again. He’s been set for scans on his troublesome back.

Perhaps most concerning of all, the club has said, “at this stage it's a minor setback.”

Oh no. ‘At this stage’ and ‘minor setback’ are the two phrases you never want to be linked to a star player.

I’m tipping the Dockers.

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