Jun 03, 2022


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Twelve


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twelve.


Western Bulldogs vs. Geelong (Marvel) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

This is being described as a ‘crucial’ clash, which in June you never want said about a match your team is involved in.

‘Crucial clash’ is up there with ‘still mathematically possible’ as phrases you don’t want to hear in relation to your team.

Other phrases you never want to hear in relation to your team include: 

·      Has a significant war chest

·      Mark Neeld appointed head coach

·      Moneyball recruitment strategy

·      Traded Trent Croad for pick number 1

·      Believe they have the necessary pieces in place

After missing the light training run last week, Bailey Smith returns for the Bulldogs, while less excitingly, Gary Rohan returns for the Cats. I mean, no underwear company has put Gary on billboards.

Both these teams have hardly set the world on fire so far this season.

Geelong have been as inconsistent as my neighbour’s home brew, while the Bulldogs started badly and have slowly gotten better, the opposite of my neighbour's home brew.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs.


Adelaide vs. West Coast (AO) 1:45pm Fox Footy

West Coast mid-season draftee Jai Culley has famously gone from working in a chicken shop to playing for West Coast, surely one of the most tragic tales in sport.

At least at a chicken shop, you’re making people happy.

The good news for Jai is at the Eagles, he has a chance to not only get a game, but he may also already be their best player.

After going winless since April 23, the Crows will finally pick up four points, and in further good news, they get Tex Walker back.

Of course, it is technically possible to lose to the Eagles, if that does happen, do whatever you can to listen to Adelaide talkback radio after the game, it will be a work of art.

Crows to win.

Gold Coast vs. North Melbourne (TIO) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Wins over the Swans, Fremantle and a rather stunning belting of Hawthorn have the Suns travelling so well that talk of Alastair Clarkson going there has lessened significantly.

In fact, after the way they took apart the Hawks, perhaps it’s Hawthorn who should consider Clarkson.

A second game in a row in Darwin and against North points to the Suns continuing to enjoy this mid-season renaissance.

North Melbourne had some good news today, they’ve partnered with Jimmy Brings, an on-demand alcohol delivery company, and I have to say, it’s the perfect partnership.

If you’re watching North, you need alcohol, and I’m not even sure we should be enforcing age limits in this case.

Suns to win.

Melbourne vs. Sydney (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

After the loss they had to have, Melbourne have called for the cavalry, with Christian Salem, James Harms, Ed Langdon and Tom McDonald all coming back from injury and Adam Tomlinson getting a call-up.

The big news is with Steven May out, the Dees catch a break with the tribunal upholding Buddy Franklin’s suspension for striking Trent Cotchin. 

The appeal was one of the most optimistic things I’ve seen in a long time, and it wasn’t exactly a surprise to see it fail.

What was surprising was the hearing and the fallout.

The AFL approached the case like Hannibal Lecter was on trial. At one stage Franklin was called a "coward", which angered the Swans, who demanded an apology.

This the AFL actually did, which is amazing, Adam Goodes had to get not one, but two documentaries made before he got an apology, so this is progress.

And Buddy deserved an apology when Buddy struck Cotchin, he looked him in the eye while he did it like a true hero.

This will be a real test of the 2022 version of the Demons, it’s a test I think they’ll pass because if there’s one thing Demons fans have historically, it’s optimism.


Hawthorn vs. Collingwood (MCG) 2:10pm Fox Footy

Hawthorn are going to have an actual ruckman in Ned Reeves play this week, a novel and exciting luxury for them.

It’s something they’ve desperately needed as football keeps teaching us that having a few tall guys around is not just helpful for reaching things on the top shelf.

Hawthorn were truly awful last week, and aside from the win against Brisbane, they’ve been in trouble for a while now.

The warning signs were all there when they lost to Essendon, a team they will struggle not to lose this week.

Collingwood however have been annoyingly competent in recent times, beating Carlton last week, which will comforting on one level, just opened another lot of concerns.

Such as, are Collingwood improving? Does Craig McRae know what he’s doing? Why can’t what’s happening to the Eagles happen to the Pies?

I mean, this is a side in touch of the eight, meaning it’s even possible they play finals. Like the world doesn’t have enough things to worry about at the moment.

I’m tipping Collingwood.

Fremantle vs. Brisbane (OS) 5:20pm Fox Footy

The all-conquering heroes and AFL premiership favourites Fremantle return to Western Australia.

While their official anointing as premiers is still months away, Dockers fans will be thrilled with this turn of events.

Not that they get much rest, facing off against Brisbane, meaning a win here would see them knock off their two biggest challengers in the space of a fortnight.

It’s why I say, (googles Fremantle’s coach’s name) Justin Longmuir is coach of the year at this point of the season.

After beating Melbourne, Brisbane should be a mere formality, I’m sure that’s how the Dockers fans are approaching it.

But if you crunch the stats, Brisbane are actually above the Dockers on the ladder, and have a better record! This is why you always do your research because you gain insights others don’t.

Further research however reveals that sometimes lower down teams on the ladder beat the higher up teams! Can you believe it?

Apparently, that’s why we have to play more than one round.

I’m tipping Fremantle here.

Bye: Carlton, Port Adelaide, St Kilda, Essendon, Greater Western Sydney, Richmond

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Jun 03, 2022

I love the fact that they apologise for calling Buddy a coward but the Swans can call Cotchin a glass jawed logie winning Mummy's boy who thought it was all a joke!!


Jun 03, 2022

God I hope the Crows lose. Like you said, the talkback after the game would be worth listening to, the meltdown of their "supporters" would be *chef's kiss*


Jun 03, 2022

Time to put a twenty on the Eagles


Jun 03, 2022

Hey Titus “ gotten” is crappy Yank English no such word amongst the Melbourne gentry


Jun 03, 2022

I think that should be "Essendon, a team THAT will struggle not to lose this week."

Yes, I can't see how Essendon will find a way of scoring against The Bye's ferocious defence...


Jun 03, 2022

Buddy should have been wearing Aerogard. It keeps pests like Cochin away.


Jun 03, 2022

Fitzy stirring up the "gotten" debate, between those against gotten and those forgotten.

The g train

Jun 03, 2022

Excellent and hilarious as always, Titus. Completely unhelpful as always. But very little wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics this week.

You should apologise to Buddy for your sarcastic remarks towards him.

Gold Coast have been having their renaissance since Rd 1. The Suns are a different team this season.

Xavier Campbell is a Fink!

Jun 03, 2022

Essendon could quite possibly lose to the bye this week. It's feasible the AFL could deduct 4 points off them for bringing the game into disrepute due to crimes against football so far in 2022, and letting Xavier Campbell extend his contract for 2 years.

Jonathan Dowling

Jun 03, 2022

Dear Titus
Please do not tip Collingwood.
Your are a curse.
Oh - and to Bruno Numerovno last week:
I stayed till the very end and it was good. I take the Frankston line - but then bus home to Sorrento where we don’t allow flogs…

Norman W

Jun 03, 2022

Cotchin and the AFL are trying desperately to make this a non contact sport.
Cotchin should consider acting classes as a new career. Is reverse dissent not a 50m penalty ?

Fancy Pants

Jun 03, 2022

You missed the mother of all press statements once made by the Dockers -
"We've traded Lachie Neal for Jesse Hogan"....

Running Dog

Jun 03, 2022

Going from chicken shop to West Coast is one way to fly the coop, but what if Jai's ambitions include taking Max Verstappen's seat? In one of those phrases you never want to hear again, 'Red Bull gives you wings'.

Phrases I don't want to hear in relation to the Dogs include “Che Guevara says to be a revolutionist you firstly need a revolution." Er, righto. At least 'programmatic specificity' seems to have hit the rotors.


Jun 03, 2022

_______Hey Titus “ gotten” is crappy Yank English_______

Here we are, in the third decade of the 21st century, but for some people it will always be the 1950's.

Saint Peter

Jun 03, 2022

Firstly, thanks for not tipping St.Kilda this week. Guaranteed not to lose. There has been a bit of talk, only by the media, about Clarkson may be signed by the Saints. There is more chance of Russia saying sorry to Ukraine.
Also on Garry Rohan or as Geelong refer to him "Princeps Nervos". Geelong are hopeful to get 2 full games in a row from him. Technically there will be a bye in between for recovery. So maybe it doesn't count.


Jun 03, 2022

Your neighbour makes home brew? You’re not as posh as you make out.

tarax club

Jun 03, 2022

Titus appreciate your timely elucidation re: 'phrases you never want to hear in relation to your team'. That got a deep guttural reflex laugh out here. Another worthy inclusion of course is "karma is a bitch". On matters more mundane, the prophetic proselytizing emanating from the MGC environs is mercifully absent. After last round's loss to the Carringbush. The good news is that it won't be two losses on the trot yet...


Jun 03, 2022

Titus, you said that Adelaide are “going winless since April 23”. Are you prophesying for season 2023? At least, I hope you are!

Please win .

Jun 03, 2022

Yep the crows talkback after a loss is bad but power fans are even more ruthless aftera loss


Jun 03, 2022

OOOS&EASE, that's the troll Santa. Hopefully he's back in his cave.

Another ripping guide Titus, and yes, definitely can't have the Pies anywhere near the 8.

David C

Jun 03, 2022

At let’s not forget Cotchins AFL gift pre 2017 GF

Con Cushion

Jun 03, 2022

Turn it up Titus ..... blowing hot air up the purple "intake" of Freo won't change the size of Cox's head! Con


Jun 03, 2022

Another phrase you don’t want to hear associated to your team/club.
‘Well Andrew McLeod, what makes you think you have what it takes to be a Docker?’


Jun 03, 2022

re: "phrases you never want to hear in relation to your team" - "[coach's name] has the full support of myself and the board"


Jun 03, 2022

Thanks Titus for another excellent & very funny preview of this weeks action.

Looking forward to squeezing into my Lions Jumper and attending this weeks match of the round at Optus Stadium. I venture hoping for the exhilaration of victory whilst risking the agony of defeat surrounded by gloating Dockers supporters.

I take comfort seeing that you have tipped Fremantle.

Keith Martine

Jun 03, 2022

your Adelaide v West Coast preview is beautiful in concept and wonderous in delivery. If not your best, top 3. Let's hope Jai the chicken man stars.

Fat Side

Jun 03, 2022

@TBH unless your neighbour's name is Penfold.

Daniel Fletcher

Jun 03, 2022

@FITZY who wrote" gotten” is crappy Yank English ..." Actually , mate , it's the old 17th. century English the Puritans brought with them when they settled in what was then called the New World. There are plenty of crappy Americanisms creeping into our vocabulary and pronounciations but gotten isn't invalid. The one that gets me is the rapid spread of the euphemism "bathroom" when the right word is "dunny."


Jun 03, 2022

@DANIEL FLETCHER And the one that gets me is "pronounciation".

Fitzy’s Mate

Jun 03, 2022

Fitzy is right - and the only “gotten” the Puritans brought over was “misbegotten”. The only proper usage is “got”. Pedant session over.


Jun 04, 2022

Help. Mayday. SOS.
Replies to NMFC please

Johnny Geo

Jun 05, 2022

“ While their official anointing as premiers is still months away … “ - strewth - we are all getting our Freo ‘22 Premiers tatts now Titus!