The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Twelve.

Friday

Melbourne vs Brisbane (GS) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

Greetings from the Great Southern Leper Colony that is Victoria!

I often get asked by people in other states what it feels like down here. The best way to describe it is like being a fan of a team being very poorly run. You have very little power over what’s going on but suffer all the pain.

That’s not to say I place all the blame on the state government, I blame the Federal Government too. Why limit yourself? There’s more than enough blame to go around.

Essendon fans taught me a few years ago you can hate your team AND the AFL with equal intensity.

At least we get a good Friday night game, with the two form sides of the competition going at it and at no less storied venue than Giants Stadium.

The Lions have selected a guy by the name of Lachie Neale, who is coming back from injury and he’s quite a decent player.

Melbourne’s season continues to surprise even the most positive Melbourne supporter (if they existed).

Demons supporters are a happy and bewildered lot at the moment.

A win against the inform Lions is dangerous. We are already struggling to deal with so much happiness, it’s like filling your unleaded petrol car with diesel, it’s not built for it.

I tip against Melbourne a lot, it’s a protective measure to stop myself getting hurt (and until recently the sensible thing to do),

It’s the same strategy I employed in year nine when I never asked Sally Thompson out, instead I convinced myself I would get rejected.

Years later though, in a lesson I really took on board, I learnt from a close friend of hers that if I had asked her out all those years ago, she would have definitely said ‘no’.

It taught me an important lesson, never opening yourself up to new experiences or people, and never let yourself dream that something good will happen to you.

Lions to win.

Saturday

St Kilda vs Sydney (SCG) 1:45pm Fox

It says a lot about Carlton that even after beating them, the Swans have dumped five players.

It also says a lot about St Kilda that you don’t worry about dumping five players ahead of playing them.

St Kilda may have won last week, but it was about as impressive as someone getting dressed in the morning and falling over and injuring themselves in the process.

The Swans are looking at the tantalising prospect of getting a lot more games at home with the problems down south.

They already have St Kilda locked in at home and Hawthorn, although their two teams they could beat playing on any planet in the solar system, even that Planet X that theorised to exist.

I’d even throw in Pluto even though it’s just a dwarf planet these days.

They’ll only get games up in Sydney while the lockdown continues in Melbourne, so probably only the next few years.

I can’t see the Swans losing this, the Saints look like a team playing against their will. It’s a tough outcome for Saints supporters but luckily they’ve had decades of training for this.

Sydney to win.

Adelaide vs Collingwood (AO) 4:35pm Fox

The Crows are in trouble as apparently, some players didn’t follow Covid protocols on the plane back from their last game.

Personally, I think they should have all their wins this season taken off them and awarded to their opponents. Of course, I have no vested interests in such an outcome.

Collingwood wishes they just had a Covid protocol breach at the moment to deal with.

Instead, they’ve got a board civil war.

Jeff Browne announced he would be challenging this week, his pitch seemed to involve, well nothing.

No position on Nathan Buckley’s future, and a vague promise to go out and get the best coach there is if Buckley does leave.

This is not really a strategy, more what every club would like to do.

It’s like when people suggest going and getting Alastair Clarkson. Everyone would like to do it, but it’s the doing that’s the hard part.

It means Pies fans now have the choice between a board that has led them into this mess or a new board with no plans to get out of it.

On top of all this, the Pies have had to quarantine for the last few days and are less welcome in South Australia than Shannon Noll was at the Crazy Horse Revue.

Even the ball is now seen as literally a poison ball. This is how the Collingwood forwards usually treat it.

Crows to win.

Essendon vs Richmond (OS) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

Dreamtime at the Optus Stadium doesn’t have the same ring to it, but it’s a great thing to see the game sell out and shows, once again just how football-mad Western Australia is.

The good news for Essendon is they have good form at Optus Stadium.

Essendon’s win last week has been taken as a huge turnaround for the club, but it was also against a West Coast side who you wouldn’t exactly call trustworthy.

Still, Essendon does seem to have some very good players coming through, it’s just there have been so many false dawns I’ve lost count.

A win here would be a big step towards suggesting there might be some substance to this latest effort.

Richmond rebounded somewhat last week, but they don’t look like premiership sides of recent years.

But the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

Much like I’m suspicious that Essendon rebuild might not be real, I’m not convinced fully of Richmond’s decline.

I’m tipping Richmond.

Sunday

Carlton vs West Coast (SCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

The Eagles go into this game with forced changes galore.

Tim Kelly, Josh Kennedy, Brendon Ah Chee, Jarrod Brander and Oscar Allen are all outs due to injury.

It makes it hard to win with so many out with injuries, especially when you couldn’t win with all those players.

But the footy gods take but they also give, and they’ve given the Eagles, Carlton.

But here’s the thing, I think Carlton will win this.

Why?

Because whenever the Blues seem to be bottoming out, they get a win, boost the false hope reserves before descending again.

It’s a cruel cycle.

The difference between these two is West Coast should be good but aren’t, while Carlton are exactly what everyone expects.

Blues to win.

Fremantle vs Western Bulldogs (OS) 6:40pm Fox

The Bulldogs did not look good last week, turning the ball over more often than Victoria racks up Covid cases.

They say you learn more through failure, so the Bulldogs would have learnt a lot.

That said, I’ve failed an awful lot in my life but remain a man of outstanding density when it comes to mental issues.

The good news for the Bulldogs is they have lots of time to sort their issues all out before they get to finals.

Fremantle won’t be playing finals. They didn’t look good at all against Port, despite putting up a bit of a fight in the second half.

Facing a Bulldogs side looking to bounce back is hardly a dream scenario.

The Dockers biggest opponent is their own goalkicking, which is about as accurate as horoscopes but less entertaining.

Bulldogs to win.

Byes: Geelong Cats, Gold Coast Suns, GWS Giants, Hawthorn, North Melbourne, Port Adelaide

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus