Mar 31, 2022


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Three


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Three.


Western Bulldogs vs. Sydney (Marvel) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Buddy Franklin won’t be rested this week, and in a feat perhaps even more impressive than kicking 1000 goals, hasn’t come down with covid or any communicable diseases.

Even better, Buddy got his ball back this week, with the person who ran off with it getting a photoshoot.

Usually, when you run off with something that isn’t yours, you get a photo taken but it’s a mug shot.

You certainly don’t get given a bunch of gifts. It feels a bit like we’re negotiating with terrorists here, it’s only going to encourage them.

The Western Bulldogs aren’t travelling particularly well this year, what with the losing and the media blow ups.

The good news is they get Bailey Smith back this week, a man who has a giant billboard up near my house of him in just his underwear.

I now refer to him as ‘the man who caused a thousand car accidents.’

Aside from the rippling muscles, the six-pack, the piercing blue eyes and the chiselled jaw, I’m perplexed as to what people see in him.

I’m tipping the Swans.


Melbourne vs. Essendon (MCG) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Two overlapping Friday night games, what fixture innovation from the AFL!

Why are they doing such a silly thing, apart from it being in their nature?

Apparently, it was to give the AFLW Grand Final ‘clean air’ when it was scheduled for Saturday, only for covid to ruin those plans.

Ahhh yes, the AFL giving the AFLW ‘clean air’.

Like when they ran the abomination that was AFLX against it, or how they move it around more than an unloved stepchild.

It’s taken just a fortnight for the Bombers to dispel any hopes Essendon supporters may have brought with them into the season.

Losses, injuries, Ben Rutten looking like a haunted man, ex-players saying they are soft. It usually takes until round eleven or twelve for us to tick all those boxes. 

The only thing I need to get Bingo! is someone to write a column calling for the return of James Hird.

Now they face the reigning premiers, who had a real struggle with the Suns last week, the game being most notable for Luke Jackson’s performance.

You could see him adding zeroes to the end of his next contract in real-time.

I’m tipping Melbourne

Adelaide vs. Port Adelaide (AO) 8:20pm Fox Footy

The AFL’s promotion of the Showdown as a marquee game continues, this time hiding it behind another game.

South Australians don’t need the AFL to constantly remind them they are an afterthought, but the AFL do it anyway just to be helpful.

In many ways, not having to watch the Crows is a blessing. The Crows are so bad, if they were Will Smith, the slap would have missed, and he would probably have injured himself doing it.

With the Crows struggling, the Showdown could have been seen as very one-sided, but as luck would have it, the Power have been working hard to get down to the Crows level.

I would have never thought there was a chance Port Adelaide could lose to the Crows this season, but they lost to Hawthorn, so really anything is possible.

I’m tipping the Power, but if they lose, David Koch will be ringing Alastair Clarkson before the final siren has finished.


Greater Western Sydney vs. Gold Coast (GS) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Losing to Richmond’s VFL side means the Giants’ start to the season is competing strongly with Port Adelaide and Essendon for ‘worst start to the year.’

The Giants seem keen to boost scoring averages in the league, conceding over 100 points in their first two games.

This has been a real team effort, everyone in their midfield seems to have taken on the ‘supervisor’ role.

Worryingly, they now face a Suns team who are quite partial to getting in and under.

They made the Dees really work for it on the weekend.

So good are the Suns that I’ve heard several of their players mentioned in the media, and not as part of a ‘what Victorian team is this Suns player coming to next year’ story.

We do truly live in extraordinary times.

I’m tipping the Suns

Collingwood vs. Geelong (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Geelong was involved in some capacity in the Buddy celebrations last week, but this week, they face the second on the ladder Collingwood.

How Collingwood are in second place on the ladder is beyond explanation. Like seeing a cow on a roof.

You can clearly see it’s up there, but it doesn’t make any sense.

What matters now, is making sure the cow gets down, it doesn’t belong up there.

Geelong should have all the motivation they need, with Joel Selwood playing his 227 game as captain, a record.

It’s no big surprise that Selwood keeps playing, he plays footy like I eat ice cream, with a reckless abandon that often leaves himself and others injured. 

You always got the sense Selwood would run through a brick wall to get the ball, he’d die trying, and even if he died, he’d get a free.

I’m tipping the Cats.

Brisbane vs. North Melbourne (G) 8:00pm Fox Footy

North Melbourne got their win for the year, defeating a random assortment of blokes who happened to have their footy boots on them when they arrived at the stadium.

The Kangaroos now return to the AFL, and face a side who have trained together, even if Joe Daniher occasionally makes it look like they haven’t.

The Kangaroos will be without Tarryn Thomas this week, who suffered internal bruising against the Eagles.

Now I don’t know about you, but in my opinion, that’s the worst type of bruising. I like to keep my bruising external.

Lachie Neale was back to his best last week, gathering possessions, kicking goals, and winning the game.

He said he was inspired by Patrick Cripps’ performance from a few days before. Is this where we’ve got to? That Carlton are not only winning themselves, but inspiring other teams to win?

What version of the Marvel Multiverse are we in? I bet it’s the Andrew Garfield one.

Lions to win.


Carlton vs. Hawthorn (MCG) 1:10pm Fox Footy

Hawthorn being top of the ladder is the biggest surprise I’ve had since someone pointed out to me that both Hilary Swank and Ben Affleck appeared in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie.

The fact they are now facing an undefeated Carlton side and it’s round three just blows my mind.

I hope things turn around.

The whole fun of last season’s ‘Clarko to Sam Mitchell’ drama, was the knowledge it was going to be a delightful train wreck for years to come.

It was meant to be Malthouse-Buckley all over again.

There’s still time, and let’s hope this is just a bit of a blip that will make the subsequent fall more fun, but it’s not a good start.

The only good news is one of these teams is going to get a reality check this week.

Carlton haven’t just played good footy; they’ve been exciting at numerous points.

This is unnatural and I don’t like it.

Even me releasing the covid virus into their change rooms a fortnight ago hasn’t slowed them down.

Worse of all, I think they’re going to win this week. Lord help us.

St Kilda vs. Richmond (Marvel) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

Despite best endeavours, the St Kilda Football Club won last week, with no one more surprised than Saints supporters.

Watching St Kilda kick for goal is like watching Millionaire Hot Seat, the surprising bit is when someone gets it right, and you ask yourself, ‘why am I watching this?’

Richmond continues to juggle injuries, Jack Riewoldt and Dylan Grimes look set to return, but Dustin Martin is still taking time off.

It’s been fun watching the footy media come to terms with someone grieving for a parent. I’ve seen every take, from questioning him taking time off, demanding a timeframe, to giving him permission.

I’m sure Dusty is incredibly thankful that he gets all this advice, and he gets it all for free!

I’m tipping the Tigers.

A random collection of people vs. Fremantle (OS) 6:20pm Fox Footy

West Coast have had as many different lineups as the band The Eagles, and have the same amount of wins as them this season.

Apparently, they will get some players back this week, but it’s a mess over there in the West.

The only thing going for the Eagles, is Fremantle often see where the bar is set and then limbo under it.

I’ve heard people questioning why the Eagles have been hit so hard and not Fremantle, and the answer is, people want to socialise with Eagles players.

I can tell you; I’ve never had covid and the reason is, I exist in a special bubble, called ‘being deeply unpopular.’

Sometimes social distancing isn’t an action you take but is done to you.

I’ve got no idea who is going to win this one and will mainly be watching to see who Willi Rioili will attempt to injure this week.

I’m tipping the Dockers.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here:



Mar 31, 2022

**You always got the sense Selwood would run through a brick wall to get the ball, he’d die trying, and even if he died, he’d get a free.**

And he'd leave broken bricks scattered around like dead Russian generals.


Mar 31, 2022

“The Kangaroos now return to the AFL, and face a side who have trained together, even if Joe Daniher occasionally makes it look like they haven’t”



Mar 31, 2022's Bailey's haircut (sic)

Janice Matthey

Mar 31, 2022

Yep, the only reason I’d watch the West derby would be to see who Willi takes out this week!!

The g train

Mar 31, 2022

Hawthorn v Carlton. Absolute blockbuster. Who would have thought? Luckily, just because Titus thinks Carlton will win, doesn’t mean they will. You could argue, via the bitter pill of experience, that it most likely means they won’t win. So we can all just relax a little and all being well the Lord won’t have to help us.

Not sure if Titus was bagging GWS or not. Surely we should be praising them night and day for increasing the average scores of AFL teams! The AFL, and everyone else, has been trying (unsuccessfully) for years to fix this problem. The Giants have shown in just two weeks how easy it actually is. All kudos to them.

Re: WCE v FREO. Titus seems to lament that he has no idea who’s going to win. But isn’t that the epitome of a true and exciting sporting contest—not knowing who’s going to win?

Chris Rock

Mar 31, 2022

Cow on a roof.


Good Idea

Mar 31, 2022

I know Titus column is somewhat satirical but I have always wondered why the "marquee" Friday night timeslot is not exploited more- is it only popular because there is no there game on? Its great for South Australians to have their derby scheduled in prime time and great for the rest of us that we can watch another game.


Mar 31, 2022

The surest sign of extraordinary times is that Titus can write "They made the Dees really work for it on the weekend" unironically.

Will Slapper Smith

Mar 31, 2022

Usually your columns make me quietly smirk, but this one made me LOL more than ever before.

So much gold, but I especially liked the Geel vs Coll summary.

You even inspired me to change my fantasy footy team name to "Bring Back Hirdy"



Mar 31, 2022

Love your work.


Mar 31, 2022

Something special about this one Titus. Put a bit of the special sauce in here.
Audibly laughed in the office a couple of times.

Daniel B

Mar 31, 2022

Could someone explain the Koch/Clarko reference?

Dave Reed

Mar 31, 2022

Koch/Clarko reference. If Port get beaten this week they will be 0 wins, 3 loses. Clarko is an experienced AFL coach with awesome credentials that isn't coaching right now. Titus is suggesting that a regime change will be happening. Not unlike Denis Pagan taking over North in '93.


Mar 31, 2022

Thanks for the laughs.
re Bailey Smith: Good to know that the underwear is made of organic cotton.


Mar 31, 2022

To be fair the the AFL, a conflicting AFLX game was a great promotional move for AFLW - it’s basically a punishment if you’re not watching the women.

Andrew Deakin

Mar 31, 2022

Someone needs to forcibly hold down Bailey Smith while someone else cuts his hair.

Greg S

Mar 31, 2022

"In many ways, not having to watch the Crows is a blessing. The Crows are so bad, if they were Will Smith, the slap would have missed, and he would probably have injured himself doing it."
As a Crows supporter, I can only say "NAILED IT"

Roger & Margy’s neighbour

Mar 31, 2022

Late mail is that the injured-stricken Wet Toast are calling on Willi Smitholi to lend a hand.
Port have to win; some great supporters are travelling from Canberra to watch the game.
Go Blues. In a crazy world, a little bit of right is happening.


Mar 31, 2022

Dear Sir,

I wish to register a complaint about the team of my choosing. You have treated them with utter contempt since they entered this competition and I don't like it. This column is meant to be funny, but it is only funny if I understand it. Which I clearly do, because I have been, at various times, funny myself. If you continue to unmercilessly mock my favourite team, what I love, I will be forced to continue to write terse letters. Consider yourself warmed. No pun intended.

Sir Humphingly

*Sorry, just noted that no one had made their weekly complaint about biased reportage on this page. Thought I would take the initiative and get it out of the way.


Mar 31, 2022

If Selwood ran through a brick wall he'd immediately throw his head back like the wall had taken a cheap shot.

Jordan silk

Apr 01, 2022

And the brick wall would face the MRP for leaving the ground and getting Selwood high


Apr 02, 2022

SANTA your comments are both unnecessary and uneducated, so basically a perfect reflection of yourself.

AFLW may be low scoring and low skilled compared to the current AFL, but the VFL was also low scoring and low skilled when it began. It takes years of development and young kids coming through to improve the standards and its great to see so many young girls now dedicated to our great sport.

You call it a box ticking exercise... yes it is and that box is called equality.

Pleasingly you're not the real Santa, otherwise it seems only little boys would get gifts in their stocking on Christmas morning.

But let's hope that like Santa you've filled your quota for public appearances or comment and that you now pull your head in and we don't have to hear from you again for another 364 days.

Barry Bourke

Apr 02, 2022

Titus I reckon you are showing your Demon bias but not seriously address the burning issue at the club . Which none of Goodwin's henchman are willing to take on " Who the hell is going to break the news to Jake Bowey that in AFL your team doesn't always win ?" Should they let him know before or just counsel him later ?

Merlin’s Mother

Apr 03, 2022

Dear Santa 🎅 I am getting in your good books early so that before we get to that special time of the year (September 2022) the AFLW expansion is brought forward several centuries.

I pondered your comments and wondered if you were just a soldier of fortune lobbing grenades for the fun of it - but if you were you’d be in the Ukraine. (Maybe you are and you are the only person in the neighbourhood with functioning internet).

Anyhoo - I don’t suppose you have actually watched a game of AFLW- there were a couple of fantastic AFLW games this weekend- both way above the standard described above (amazing the skill level you can produce when you play in a top quality stadium and not on a cow paddock). Imagine the skill levels these women will display when they are earning enough to feed themselves and put a roof over their heads - goodness much to aspire to there!!

Santa, I am thinking you should check in with Mrs Claus (her/him/they) before posting again- pretty sure there won’t be much going into the Santa Sack this year if you keep this up. Although on reflection perhaps there’s not much going on in that Santa Sack already???

Anyhoo cheerio and all the best - regards to Rudolph and co. Hoping they managed to get that Sleigh out of Russia before it was pressed into service carrying weapons.


Apr 06, 2022

big fella i missed getting your post this week because the wife (aka the minister for war ) is in hospital for surgery so i have been side tracked and probably will be for another week while she is still in there.anyway the bombers did make it hard for the DEES by dragging us down to their level and it took the boys a fair bit to break the game open and walk away with a win. we now turn our attention to this week against that powerhouse of a team port power.should be a walk in the park for the boys but our memory of past demons sides that dont turn up when we are supposed to win.may be one of the last games kenny coaches this mob of front runners so we all need to tune in .GO DEES