Apr 22, 2022


A highly unhelpful guide to Round Six


The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Six.


Greater Western Sydney vs. St Kilda (Manuka) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

It’s the return of Toby Greene, a man many people claim is somehow persecuted.

I guess he is if ‘persecuted’ means ‘getting in trouble because you regularly do silly things that are easily avoidable'.

Which it doesn’t, but the meaning of words seems less important these days than they once did.

For St Kilda, this has ‘danger game’ written all over it. They’ve won four in a row; things seem to be going well and their opponent is 1-4.

It’s enough to make any Saints supporter positively terrified.

Surely though, the Saints can take care of a Giants team that currently looks more lost than my driver when he accidentally took us through the outer suburbs of Melbourne.

It was the furthest out I’ve been in Melbourne, aside from speeding past the lesser suburbs on the way to the pointy end of the peninsula.   

I can still remember the terrifying stares of the rough teens that roamed the streets of that outer suburb.

Yes, I’ll never forget that detour through Balwyn.

Saints to win.


Western Bulldogs vs. Adelaide (Mars) 1:45pm Fox Footy

On the rare occasions people meet me for the first time, they invariably use phrases like ‘underwhelming’, ‘disappointing’ or ‘a real let down’.

These are also phrases that can be applied to the Bulldogs’ season, although unlike me, the Doggies have a chance to change people’s perspective.

On the other hand, Adelaide’s season has been seen as broadly positive, as people thought they would suck a lot more than they have so far.

It’s another reminder that expectation setting is important, and why people having a low opinion of you is a real positive.

Why, if I keep spelling and grammatical errors in this column to about one in every sentence, people give me compliments for improving.

This game is being played in Ballarat, so if you’re a Crows fans travelling to the game, remember, Ballarat has a subtropical climate, so shorts and t-shirts are all you’ll need to pack.

I’m tipping the Bulldogs.

Port Adelaide vs. West Coast (AO) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Like the federal election, Port Adelaide’s season can’t end soon enough.

But like Labor, who caught a break with Albo getting covid, meaning he can’t be interviewed for a while, Port gets the Eagles, meaning they’re a possible chance of having their first win.

In fact, with Ollie Wines returning, the Power look set to get a win that will give them a false sense that things are improving.

Perhaps the most damning thing about Port Adelaide’s season is the Eagles have won more games than them.

Yes, a rotating cast of top-ups and fill-ins have a better record than a team that argued it was on the cusp of a premiership.

I can’t tip the Eagles despite this fact; I saw them play the Swans last week and my brain can’t accept the fact that team can win a game.

Fremantle vs. Carlton (OS) 7:40pm Seven/Fox

Fremantle have already beaten some of the AFL’s top sides this season, Adelaide, West Coast, Greater Western Sydney and Essendon. It’s an impressive list.

And now they get a crack at the Blues, who are rock solid and not shaky at all.

The Blues get Patrick Cripps back and I’m confident they’re not rushing him back or anything.

Based on Carlton’s form, they’ll want to be up by about seventy points at halftime to win this.

Fremantle’s growing confidence can be seen both off and on the field. A Dockers supporter broke into West Coast’s football headquarters at Mineral Resources Park this week.

Elliot Yao recounted the fan was ‘blind drunk, with a stubbie in his hand, rolling around the oval, pretending to shadow kick, take marks, give it to the crowd.”

Apparently, this sort of behaviour isn’t unusual at Eagles’ training, so it took everyone ages to realise it wasn’t an Eagles player.

Fremantle to win.


North Melbourne vs. Geelong (BA) 1:10pm Fox Footy

Geelong are hopeful Tom Hawkins will have managed to stop cartwheeling in time to play this game.

The Match Review Officer found Hawkins ‘exaggerated the contact’ last week but didn’t penalise him.

This is not weird in the AFL world. Melbourne discovered you can be found not guilty of tanking and still be fined.

Now we discover you can be found guilty and not penalised.

AFL punishments are very much based on the ‘vibe’ at AFL House on the day rather than logic or consistency.

You’d think in the push to make the umpires' lives easier, that cracking down on players who stage for free kicks would be a sensible thing to do, but ‘sensible thing to do’ and ‘the AFL’ don’t appear together in a sentence very often.

Despite North’s big loss last week, David Noble says his team is better than they were at this stage last year. This is probably true.

Personally, I’m a lot like David Noble. When I perform badly at work, I say ‘Yeah, but you should have seen how bad I was this time last year.’

Unfortunately, that excuse doesn’t hold much water in a professional environment, as I discovered this week when my licence to fly hot air balloons was cancelled.

I’m tipping Geelong.

Gold Coast vs. Brisbane (MS) 4:10pm Fox Footy

You can take your Showdowns, you Derbies, even you ANZAC Day clash, it’s the Q Clash that captures footy fans' imaginations.

What’s at stake? Just the bragging rights of ex-Victorians living in Queensland thank you very much.

It’s a tough ask for the Suns as the Lions are well on track to finish high on the ladder before disappointing their fans in the finals.

And the Lions have all the motivation to win this, it would extend their Q Clash winning streak to seven, the longest ever in the storied history of this fixture.

The Suns are right on the point of either falling away to being one of the bottom teams, their resting state or turn things around and fulfilling the potential some people think they have.

To take the pressure off the Suns, they should know that not many people think they have potential.

Lions to win.

Richmond vs. Melbourne (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Jack Viney and Jake Lever are shock outs for this game due to COVID-19 protocols.

Surely with the watering down of restrictions, even if you have Covid you should be allowed to play?

Trying to stop disease spreading is so last year.

The Dees do get Ben ‘Angry’ Brown back from suspension and they have a few other good players, but Viney is arguably their most underrated player. 

If you had a dollar for every time a bit of play Viney starts results in a Demons goal, you would have enough money to be a Melbourne fan too.

Damien Hardwick is focusing on the important things are the moment, saying ‘What we’ve got to get better at is attracting free kicks’.

When a senior coach is publicly stating that playing for frees is a focus for his team, you realise something is deeply wrong with the game.

It’s almost like the AFL have rewarded those who stage for frees and penalised those that don’t!

Perhaps we could just make the winner the team that gets the most free kicks in a game? After all, it’s what we fans come to the game to see.

I’m tipping Melbourne.


Hawthorn vs. Sydney (UTS) 12:30pm Fox Footy

It’s been a big week for Hawthorn, with a victory over the old enemy on Monday and word that Jeff Kennett and Cyril Rioli have reportedly made contact this week.

My heart is so full that things are going so well for the Hawks.

That said, further contact with Jeff Kennett is not necessarily a way to improve a situation.

What is sure, is Hawthorn are better than many people thought, but how much better?

This we do not know. It’s a mystery, like who was Jack the Ripper? Who was DB Cooper? And who exactly apart from other journalists is watching Footy Classified?

The Swans have had to travel a bit lately, to Perth and now Tasmania, but they had a light training run in Perth and they apparently get Buddy Franklin back to face his old side.

He had finger surgery recently, which my computer tried to autocorrect to ‘figure surgery’ which is silly as that requires much longer off.

I’m tipping the Swans.

Essendon vs. Collingwood (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

Essendon are pretending Jake Stringer and Zac Merrett will be back for this game but given they have ages to change their extended squad, everyone knows this is nonsense.

Still, the Bombers need to at least try and give their fans some hope, even if it is false.

With a solitary win over the Crows, Essendon have had one of the worst starts to a season since Australia’s Naughtiest Home Videos with Doug Mulray.

A loss here to Collingwood and Ben Rutten may be in big trouble. I mean their only win came when he wasn’t coaching.

This is always a worry. I remember going on holiday once and the work experience kid filled in for me and was by all accounts much better.

The only thing that stopped her from replacing me was she had to finish grade six.

Mick Malthouse came back to Collingwood this week to give the players a speech on the significance of their ANZAC Day clash.

I love learning about Australia’s history. I can trace that love back to Australia’s victory in the 1983 America’s Cup when Alan Bond said, ‘this is Australia’s greatest victory since Gallipoli.’

Malthouse motivated Essendon at the start of the season, predicting they’d win the premiership, so Collingwood fans would be terrified right now.

I’m tipping the Pies.

You can help support me in producing this ridiculous nonsense I churn out on a regular basis. Find out more here: https://titusoreily.com/support-titus



Apr 22, 2022

Thank you for picking Port. It gives the Eagles half a chance at least.


Apr 22, 2022

More DB Cooper content please

The g train

Apr 22, 2022

Has Melbourne’s success spoilt Titus? He once had the mind bending ability to tip the losing team. I’ve never known anyone to tip 0 from 9 and then no one being even slightly surprised by it. Now that Titus is regularly tipping StK, it actually fills me with confidence and is no longer the curse it once was. He’s still hilarious and acerbic, but when will the old Titus come back?

Wouldn’t be surprised if The Suns defeat Brisbane. It’s a different Gold Coast this year.

Damo from Dalby

Apr 22, 2022

"Sub-tropical" Ballarat. Worth the price of admission to see Crows fans in shorts and t-shirts!


Apr 22, 2022

“… who exactly apart from other journalists is watching Footy Classified?”
Hey. I watch Footy Classified and … oh, right.


Apr 22, 2022

It's never worth the price of admission to play in Ballarat, cold,wet and miserable.


Apr 22, 2022

Australia’s Naughtiest Home Videos with Doug Mulray got off to a great start. It was the finish that was the problem. Doug promised more of the girl with the tongue tricks after the break and it never came back on. Kinda like Carlton last week.


Apr 22, 2022

No sane person would willingly watch Footy Classified with Cracky Caro and Jabba the Hutchy as the headline acts. But then again most fans don’t act sane when it comes to footy.

Pinghan Chua

Apr 22, 2022

I grew up in Balwyn, the harshest of ghettoes

Southern suburbs

Apr 22, 2022

Balwyn is bad, but it's those menacing teen gangs in Brighton that scare me the most. With their imported designer shoes, clean cut hair, and tailored jeans. Terrifying! I locked my car doors because I didn't want them to car-jack my 2015 Corolla.

Horatio Farnesworth-Smythe

Apr 22, 2022

Yes, also on the neighbourhood character theme, I'm somewhat perturbed that the new mega-station betwixt Mont Albert and Surrey Hills might attract all the riff-raff and hoodlumry from Balwyn, Chatham and Canterbury to the area.


Apr 22, 2022

Any truth to the rumour the umpires will be playing against the instant replay in this weeks,
"Time for some mind-reading from the umps on these flapping arms" clash?

What is dissent? Is it the opposite of ascent? Is it a thought, a feeling, a voodoo cult-practice that involves impersonating a headless chicken? Who will be guilty of being involved in the game to the point of caring about how things pan out? Who will waft their underarms and be fined? Who will get to make the worst umpiring call and be mercilessly roasted by Jeff "Chuckles" Kennett? Who will tell the AFL that players aren't emotionless robots? Who can tell the difference between frustration and self-abuse (verbal) and the deadly sin of wilful disrespect of the great god in the OPSM guernsey?
Who, damnit, WHO?

I'm tipping the game will be the loser, particularly on Monday, when confected patriotic emotion clashes with over-reacting to an oversensitive umpire's weepy fit in the dying seconds.


Apr 22, 2022

Spot on with the description of the AFL’s “the vibe”.


Apr 22, 2022

I was excited at the news the Bulldogs were going to Mars this week. But alas it's only Ballarat and they'll probably find their way back.


Apr 22, 2022

**It’s a mystery, like who was Jack the Ripper?**

I once saw a documentary. It was on the History Channel, so it was officially classified as a documentary. They tried to sift through all the known facts and arrive at a possible identity for this mysterious mass murderer. They brought in a renowned criminologist from the United States. He concluded that Jack the Ripper was a white, adult male. More than that he was not confident to say.


Apr 22, 2022

I can't believe even the journos watch footy crucified.


Apr 22, 2022

What is happening Titus, your well-known comic genius is slipping!! There is no Elliot Yao at West Coast so you must have used a Chinese spell check. As you were commenting in relationship to a Dockers supporter, it may be forgiven as he was obviously slurring his words, but I can assure you that Elliot's name is still Yeo.


Apr 24, 2022

What's footy classified?