The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fourteen.

Thursday

Port Adelaide vs. Geelong (AO) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Port Adelaide lose Michael Voss and suddenly they’re on a ten-game winning streak and sit second on the ladder.

Coincidence? It’s more fun to say it’s not.

The Power are so good at the moment that their captain can’t even break into the side, which doesn’t happen too often.

No such fate confronts Patrick Dangerfield, who is back after injury, and the Cats certainly need him.

As we all know, the Cats don’t traditionally do too well after the bye, and I get it. After a holiday, who doesn’t take a while to ease back into things?

Mentally, I’m still on holiday from my grand tour around Europe, when I threw caution to the wind and was accompanied by just seven servants.

I made the tough trek across the continent, making do in some of the finest hotels Europe has to offer.

What a time. The art, the culture, the pheasant shooting.

Max Holmes and Mitch Duncan are also returning from injury, but I think the Power get this done.

Friday

Brisbane vs. Sydney (G) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

Jack Gunston and Daniel Rich have apparently sat down and told Chris Fagan they are not playing well enough to be selected.

It feels a bit like dumping someone before they dump you. Like the time I dumped Tracey because I realised, she was about to break up with me.

“I just felt the time was right; I was over it, even if she wasn’t,” I told my friends as I sobbed uncontrollably while alarmingly rocking back and forth in a way that made them feel uncomfortable.

Telling the coach you’re unavailable for selection because you’re not up to AFL standard is a dangerous precedent.

The Eagles wouldn’t be able to field a side.

The people most upset about this news are the Sydney Swans. What a blow.

Now the Swans have their own problems with players not performing to AFL standard, most notably Buddy Franklin
While he’s one of the greats, this was probably one season too many, and now the Swans have to keep hoping he’ll recapture some of his old form.

Holding on for too long is always a problem. All of us need to realize when a phase of our lives is over.

Like when my parents had the police evict me from their house because I was ‘43 years old, annoying and needed to get on with my life and stop being such a massive loser.’

Lions to win.

Saturday

Greater Western Sydney vs. Fremantle (GS) 4:35pm Fox Footy

There is no doubt that the Giants are the best of the bad teams, but at times this season, the Dockers have seemed keen on that title.

Just as we all thought they had turned the corner, they lose to Richmond at home.

Now their margin for error for the rest of the season is slim.

Like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, will the Dockers stay in the eight or become the most disappointing team apart from Carlton?

There was news this week that Sean Darcy has been offered a $5 million deal over five years by Geelong.

His manager says the report is “fully incorrect”, but it was in the media, so it must be true.

I would also like to put on the record that Geelong has not offered me a $5 million deal over five years.

This isn’t an easy game. Most of the Giants results, both wins and losses, have been very narrow margins.

They just don’t go away; they stay with you like the rash I picked up in Silvio Berlusconi’s spa. RIP.

Dockers to win.

Richmond vs. St Kilda (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Richmond are back! Mark my words, they may or may not do well for the rest of the season.

Two wins in a row, and now they get the Saints at the MCG, and you’re always a chance against the Saints. It’s what drives St Kilda fans nuts.

Richmond has decided Marlion Pickett won’t play this week, which makes sense given his rather hectic trip to Perth.

The club has said they will work on the presumption he’s innocent, which is also what the law assumes.

Innocent or not, I think we can all agree that being charged with a crime can be a distraction.

Luckily, Pickett isn’t running for the President of the United States or anything like that.

St Kilda are well positioned to play finals, but Ross Lyon isn’t getting drawn on that.

He instead said, ‘We are on a long-term journey here,’ sounding like the worst people you meet in your career.

I mean, consultants have a lot to apologise for, like playing fast and loose with tax laws, but ruining the English language is right up there too.

I’m tipping the Saints.

Sunday

Carlton vs. Gold Coast (MCG) 1:10pm Fox Footy

A loss here would be devastatingly hilarious for the Blues.

And it is so on the cards.

Carlton are playing with the confidence of a pimply-faced teenager asking out the best-looking person in the school.

I should know; I was the best-looking person in my school.

Sure, I was home-schooled, but it’s still true, I was the best looking, although I was certainly helped by my brother being in that farm machinery accident.

The Suns have beaten the Bulldogs and the Crows in their last two games, so beating the Blues is no stretch.

And the Suns team don’t give off an air of wanting to be anywhere but a football field.

They also kick the ball somewhere near a potential target, something the Blues dislike doing.

If kicking out of bounds on the full was an Olympic sport, the Blues would have more gold Medallists than the East German teams of the eighties 

I’m tipping the Suns.

North Melbourne vs. Western Bulldogs (Marvel) 4:40pm Fox Footy

A North Melbourne game at 4:40pm on Sunday at Marvel Stadium! Are there still tickets left?

Marvel Stadium announced today that for two weeks, it will be turned into a makeshift golf course, which is just what the surface needs.

Players will tee off from all three levels of the ground, onto a green in the middle of the oval and into what I can only assume will be the biggest sand trap in golfing history.

When I look at the ground’s surface at Marvel, I always think, ‘What this needs is more events held on it.’

It is possible this could be an ok game.

North have been threatening to come close to winning in recent weeks, and the Bulldogs are on a three-game losing streak.

They now cling to eight, so a loss here would be less than ideal. In fact, to use a technical term, it would be ‘bad.’

I’m tipping the Bulldogs.

Bye: Adelaide, Collingwood, Hawthorn, Essendon, Melbourne, West Coast

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