The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful. What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Five.

Thursday

Brisbane vs. Collingwood (G) 7:35pm Seven/Fox

Collingwood have returned to normal.

They’ve lost two in a row; Jamie Elliot is injured and there are stories in the media about them and racism.

Eddie McGuire this week wade into the issue of Leon Davis, Andrew Krakouer and Héritier Lumumba cutting off communication with Collingwood, offering to help fix the issue.

It’s like watching someone repeatedly sticking their hand in a fire, expecting the next time they won’t get burnt.

Now Collingwood face Brisbane which is not ideal when you’re coming off two losses.

Brisbane also lost last week to the Geelong Umpires, but they’re always hard to beat down there.

They do things differently up in Brisbane. Why Chris Fagan rang a journalist to apologise when he was a bit short with them in the post-match interview.

I miss the traditional ‘leak WhatsApp conversations and get them sacked’ approach to these sorts of things.

Brisbane to win.

Friday

North Melbourne vs. Western Bulldogs (Marvel) 4:20pm Seven/Fox

This Good Friday game has traditionally been one of the worst games of the year, and I’ve got high hopes for it again.

Last year, the Doggies won by 128-points as the Kangaroos played the part of Jesus and the Bulldogs the Romans.

The match also operates as a fundraiser for the Royal Children’s Hospital, which is odd as I wouldn’t let a child watch this game.

Jack Ziebell said this week that you should, “Bring your kids, bring your mum and dad, bring everyone you know.”

But what if you like your kids and your mum and dad?

At least this year it should be closer, not because North have improved, but because the Bulldogs have got considerably worse.

They’ve won a single game so far and a detailed statistical analysis reveals their biggest issue is Luke Beveridge’s facial hair.

I’m sure every time he’s telling his players what he wants them to do, they’re all just thinking ‘what is going on with that moustache?’ and don’t hear a single thing he said.

Bulldogs to win.

West Coast vs. Sydney (OS) 7:40pm Fox Footy

After delighting everyone with a win over the Pies last week, the Eagles return home from overseas to face Sydney.

The Eagles, in another sign of their stability, are looking to make up to six changes to their team. This time though, I vaguely recognise some of the names of the players coming in.

Luke Shuey, Elliot Yeo, Tim Kelly, Jamie Cripps and Sam Petrevski-Seton are all likely, meaning like Covid, as winter approaches, West Coast will only get stronger.

But while this is all good news, Nic Naitanui has now been ruled out until halfway through the season with a medial ligament injury.

That’s less than ideal and shows the impact Mars being in Pisces can have on a club.

Sydney will be without Buddy Franklin, who had surgery on his finger this week. This is no big surprise as he is approaching the age where Geelong will start considering recruiting him.

I feel we don’t need to mention when Buddy isn’t playing anymore, just tell us when he is, it will be quicker.

I’m tipping the Eagles.

Saturday

St Kilda vs. Gold Coast (Marvel) 1:45pm Fox Footy

Paddy Ryder will miss two weeks for his bump on Will Day, despite the Saints appealing to the Tribunal, which they lost in true Saints fashion.

Some have argued the sanction is over the top and the bump was not that bad, others point to the resulting concussion and the head contact.

My problem is I have no idea if it was too harsh or the correct decision, due to the wildly inconsistent AFL approach to protecting the head.

The problem with the whole match review system is it uses a criteria that looks at each incident and grades it against the following:

Was it intentional, reckless, or negligent?

Was it severe, high, medium, or low impact?

Does the player play for Geelong?

Gold Coast last week beat Carlton, but that was mainly just Carlton returning to their natural state.

I’m tipping the Saints.

Adelaide vs. Richmond (AO) 4:35pm Fox Footy

Brendon Gale has been touted as the favourite to replace Gillon McLachlan as AFL CEO, after the announcement he will be stepping down at the end of the year.

Gillon’s announcement saw people looking at his legacy, with things like AFLW, big broadcast rights deals and piloting the AFL through covid being highlighted.

Personally, if I was Gil and someone asked what my legacy was, I’d have said ‘not being Andrew Demetriou.’

Gale would be a loss for Richmond, especially with Peggy O’Neal also finishing up, but to be fair, under Gale the Tigers haven’t won a premiership since 2020!

Surely, it’s time for him to go.

The key to being AFL CEO is easy. Start off talking about the fans and how they are important, then increasingly become more focused on the commercial side of things and giving the broadcast partners what they want, then resign.

It’s a tradition as old as time itself.

Adelaide have one win this season and that was against Port Adelaide, which simply involves sitting back and watching Port Adelaide defeat themselves.

Richmond are less likely to do that, so I’m tipping the Tigers.

Melbourne vs. Greater Western Sydney (MCG) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

I’m still adjusting to Melbourne being a very good team and having other fans accusing us of being arrogant.

It’s such a shift, like when Hulk Hogan joined the NWO after being a good guy all those years.

Melbourne used to be the team that people would say ‘I hope they win’ secure in the knowledge they wouldn’t.

They were the non-threatening friend you could leave your partner with, knowing nothing would happen.

Now the Dees are Leonardo DiCaprio.

They do lose Ben Brown who was suspended for a high hit in the VFL. It’s disappointing that elbowing someone in the head away from the play is not allowed anymore.

That was one of the great joys of footy when I played, whether you were the elbower of the elbowee.

While Brown will miss the game, the Giants lost Braydon Preuss to suspension which is not ideal when you are about to face Max Gawn and Luke Jackson.

The Giants have been disappointing this year, but not living up to expectations is kind of their thing.

I’m tipping Melbourne.

Sunday

Carlton vs. Port Adelaide (MCG) 1:40pm Fox Footy

Ollie Wines wasn’t the only person feeling nauseous during last week’s Port game, unfortunately for Wines it was a bit more serious, with him being diagnosed with atrial fibrillation.

I’m no doctor, but I believe that’s something to do with the kidney.

Luckily Wines appears to be completely OK, although that hasn’t stopped people linking it to him having a Covid vaccination, because people are idiots.

In good news for Port, they can rest him as they are only playing Carlton this week.

The Blues had a shocker last week, losing Patrick Cripps and going down to the Suns.

I just hope that loss doesn’t make them start thinking of all the false dawns that have come before and make them doubt themselves. That would be terrible.

Even without Patrick Cripps, Carlton should be able to defeat a Port Adelaide side so devoid of confidence they could be a teenage me.

I’m tipping Carlton but really, who knows?

Essendon vs. Fremantle (Marvel) 4:40pm Fox Footy

Despite best efforts, Essendon won a game last week, rocketing them all the way up to 16^th on the ladder.

They’ll be without Jake Stringer again this week, but Ben Rutten will be back in the box after not coaching Essendon to their first win of the season.

It’s hard to know who's had the most disappointing start to the season, Essendon or Port.

I don’t know the answer to the question but its fun asking it.

You’d think the Bombers should be able to beat Fremantle at Marvel but limboing under expectations has been the only athletic ability Essendon have shown this year.

Plus, Fremantle have been good this year, although haven’t been really tested yet.

They’ve beaten Adelaide, West Coast reserves and the Giants.

A win here and we may have to take them seriously, and it’s not beyond the realms of possibility.

In fact, I’m going to tip them. You’re welcome, Essendon fans!

Monday

Hawthorn vs. Geelong (MCG) 3:20pm Seven/Fox

Surprisingly, the AFL are allowing Hawthorn to play this week despite the brutal beating they copped last week at the hands of St Kilda.

Making the Game of Thrones Red Wedding episode look tame, Hawthorn were brutalised in a manner no Hawthorn fan would want to see again.

I’ve watched the replay three times.

Geelong’s win last week was overshadowed by the umpiring controversy, mainly because it’s fun to not give Geelong any credit and then watch their fans react.

Other fun things to say to Cats fans to drive them completely crazy include: 

·      Joel Selwood is overrated

·      Buddy Franklin is better than Gary Ablett Snr

·      I hope Chris Scott coaches you forever

The Cats biggest issue last week was their inaccuracy, they should have been way ahead, and despite Hawthorn now being a husk of their former selves, they can still find a way to take it up to the Cats.

But they won’t. Cats to win.

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