The only guide to the round that admits it’s completely unhelpful.

What it lacks in insight, it makes up for with wild theories and detours onto unrelated topics.

It’s your unhelpful guide to Round Fifteen.

Thursday

Geelong vs. Melbourne (GMHBA) 7:20pm Seven/Fox

Melbourne are going to extreme lengths to get an edge in this one, and by ‘extreme’, I mean staying the night in Geelong.

Who says playing AFL isn’t glamorous?

I guess it makes sense. I consider a trip to Marvel as an interstate trip. Geelong is just so far and hard to get to from Melbourne. What with only the massive highway and rail and everything 

Better to avoid all that.

Unfortunately, we will miss seeing two of the best midfielders of the modern era, Patrick Dangerfield and Clayton Oliver.

They are both out with similar injuries; Dangerfield has a broken rib and partially collapsed lung, while Oliver has a sore blister.

This blister seems to be the best tagger Oliver has ever faced.

Melbourne showed against Collingwood they can control a game, but it’s tough to win in Geelong.

Luckily, they’ve gone there early to acclimatise to the fact Geelong is a whopping 21 meters above sea level.   

That’s should get them across the line.

Friday

St Kilda vs. Brisbane (Marvel) 7:50pm Seven/Fox

This is a game designed to ruin your tips. Both teams have been unconvincing recently but have also shown patches of being very good.

I don’t want to brag, but I don’t need any help ruining my tips, I get them wrong all by myself.

My tipping has some deep flaws in it.

The first flaw is I often tip in a futile attempt to reverse jinx a team. This has proven over the years to be less than successful, but I stick with it like our politicians stick to the idea of a very fast rail project on the east coast. 

It makes no sense, but I persist.

My second flaw is I often tip, hoping for a result because it will be funnier. That’s why I often tip Carlton to lose, and that one has actually worked terrifically well. 

The problem is it probably won’t work forever.

The third flaw is I pay too much attention to the football media all week. That means I massively overact to the most pointless and trivial news, but isn’t that just modern life?

Thinking something is important when it really has no impact on you is the hallmark of modern debate.

Spend the most time talking about the least important things.

So, who to tip? I’m tipping the Lions, which should make Saints fans ecstatic.

Saturday

Sydney vs. West Coast (SCG) 4:35pm Fox Footy

This is a thrilling match-up, with fifteenth taking on one of the top 200 Australian Rules sides in the country.

I love the FA Cup nature of the AFL these days, were semi-amateur clubs get to take on the professionals.

I wonder who is going to win!

The Eagles players would be so ecstatic at the thought of sharing a field with Buddy Franklin, but the Swans are resting him.

It’s smart; the Swans need to rest him for the big finals campaign they have coming up.

It’s amazing how little change appears to be happening amongst the board of the Eagles, who have effectively taken a Bentley Continental and turned it into one of those electric scooters drunk people hire and throw in the river.

I’m tipping the Swans.

Fremantle vs. Essendon (OS) 7:25pm Seven/Fox

Essendon club president David Barham said the Bombers were in the “early phase” of a brand review, which is apparently looking at getting rid of the Bomber plane as part of their logo.

It may be the most ill-advised thing since the Warnie miniseries.

The Bomber logo reflects history; I don’t think the Essendon Football Club are really advocating going and bombing people.

Just as the Melbourne Football Club aren’t suggesting people should worship the devil, or the Gold Coast Suns aren’t being cavalier about skin cancer, or Geelong isn't proclaiming their disdain for people who are allergic to cats, or Greater Western Sydney doesn’t hate short people.

These are nicknames.

Yet, perhaps we do need a safer name.

Let’s see, something safe.

How about the Essendon Soft Pieces of Foam?

Wait, they could be a choking hazard if the foam is too small, and if it’s too big, it could smother someone.

So perhaps the Essendon Soft Pieces of Foam but of a Size that is Safe for Everyone to be Around.

That works. Oh, but foam might be environmentally damaging. That won’t work.

This is hard.

Fremantle to win.

Sunday

Collingwood vs. Adelaide (MCG) 1:10pm Fox Footy

The Pies have not won a game since 3 June! What a disaster.

Look at them languishing in second place with a game in hand! I just hope they can turn things around.

Perhaps the most awful news is that Craig McRae has been given a two-year extension.

A competent coach at the Pies is something not every generation has to live through.

I fear for the children. Global warming, the war in Ukraine, the cost of living, Collingwood being a top side. Scary times.

Adelaide just had two weeks off, so they should be incredibly well-rested.

They spent the bye weeks handing out contract extensions like they were candy.

This will be a huge test for them.

I’m tipping the Pies.

Gold Coast vs. Hawthorn (Metricon) 4:40pm Fox Footy

Gold Coast usually return from the bye like they haven’t returned from the bye.

The second half of the season is usually a graveyard for the Suns, where they turn a promising start into a series of catastrophic defeats.

Things got off to an on-brand start last week with the Suns not only losing to Carlton, but making the Blues look like the Harlem Globetrotters.

A loss here to Hawthorn and those ‘Damien Hardwick to the Gold Coast’ drums are going to be beating awfully loud.

And Hawthorn could win, they beat Brisbane and the Saints recently.

The Hawks will be without James Sicily who failed in his bid to overturn a three-match ban for the dangerous tackle.

As always, the AFL have nailed consistency here. The message is, don’t tackle, just elbow people, it costs less.

I’m tipping the Suns.

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